Failure's Art

2011-08-29T21:43:00.001-07:00

2011-08-29T21:37:00.001-07:00

2011-08-29T21:37:00.000-07:00

2008-12-11T22:55:00.000-08:00

Rockies vs. Phillies NLDS Game 2 Live Blog

2007-10-04T17:50:00.000-07:00

Bottom of the Seventh: So it's 10-5 now in the 7th and I've decided to end the live blog. It's only brought bad luck, plus my fingers hurt. Three more things before I go.

1. I don't know how Charlie Manuel ever got a job, and I'm not just talking about as a coach. I mean in real life. He's not good at anything and calling him retarded is a compliment.

2. Jose Mesa should be hacked to death with a machete by Uggie Urbina.

3. It's nice that the Phillies are going to be down 2-0 in a 5 game series to a team that shouldn't even exist, let alone be in the playoffs.

Other than that -- Go Phillies!

Bottom of the Fifth: How is it only the bottom of the fifth? It feels like I've been typing all day.

Michael Bourn comes in to pinch ht for Lohse and grounds out to second base.

Jimmy Rollins comes up now and grounds out to SS for the second out. I guess they don't realize that Josh Fogg is pitching. Someone should tell them. Really.

Chase Utley now comes up and he's still looking for his first hit of the playoffs, and he gets it with a single to center on a 3-2 count. Take that, Josh Fogg!

With Utley on first, Burrell now has the chance to put some pressure on the Rockies here by getting on base with Howard on deck. Unfortunately, Burrell strikes out to to end his 9 pitch at bat and the inning.

Te game's official now. Through five, it's 6-3 Rockies, and I'm gonna leave now to drive home. See you soon.

Top of the Fifth: Matt Holliday is leading off for the Rockies this inning, and if he gets on to start this one, then things are not going to go well. Hey! Holliday strikes out looking! One out.

Wheels mentions that the Rockies are hot as Todd Helton walks to the plate. Chris Wheeler - the Paris Hilton of Color Commentators! I guess Helton didn't pray hard enough as he was walking to the plate because he grounds out to first for the second out.

Looks like Lohse is all settled in now as Atkins comes up. Too bad he was brought in last inning when he shouldn't have been. Atkins flys out to Rowand for the third out, and we head to the bottom of the 5th with the Rockies up 6-3.

Bottom of the Fourth: The bad news? The Phillies are down 6-3. The good news? Josh Fogg is now in for the Rockies. Fogg's nickname this year is "the Dragon Slayer." Unfortunately for Fogg, Tadihito Iguchi isn't in the lineup today for the Phillies.

Jayson Werth grounds out to start the inning as the balloon deflates even more. One out.

Greg Dobbs now is in to pinch hit for Helms. I think it's time for him to Gregulate. Unfortunately, he flys out to RF. Two outs.

Carlos Ruiz's turn now. I smell a 1-2-3 inning.

Three outs. My sense of smell is phenomenal. Rockies 6, Phillies 3.

Top of the Fourth: Garrett Atkins leads off for the Rockies with a double into LF. Kendrick really needs to stop letting the leadoff hitter on base to start every inning. This is 3 out of 4 now. You can't hold them every inning if you start off like this.

Brad "My Name is Hawpe, but you Should Pronounce it Hopp" Hawpe is now up with a runner on 2nd and 0 outs. It's so annoying when people pronounce their names differently than how they're spelled. I'm looking at you, Matt Diaz. Thanks to a fly out to the warning track in left, Atkins has to remain on second, now with one out.

Here comes Spilborghs again. I didn't realize just how much I hated this team until I had to start typing their names. It's kind of like how you don't realize how drunk you are if you've been sitting down and drinking for a while until you stand up. Thankfully, Spilborghs pops out to Ryan Howard at first. Two outs.

This will once again be huge if Kendrick works his way out of another inning that started with a leadoff hit. It's up to how Kendrick pitches to Torrealba. Kendrick waits til it gets to a 3-1 count until they decide to walk Torrealba intentionally to make the Rockies use a pinch hitter for the pitcher, with Josh Fogg ready to come into pitch the next inning.

Someone named Seth Smith is the pinch hitter for the Rockies. At least his name isn't Steve Smith, because we really don't need another one of those. Smith is supposedly a promising young prospect for the Rockies who bats left handed. You learn something new every day. The count goes to 2-0 and Kyle Lohse starts to warmup in the bullpen for the Phillies. Smith hits a dribbler to third on a nice 2-1 changeup from Kendrick and Huckleberry Helms can't do anything with it and the bases are now loaded for Kaz Matsui with 2 outs.

So, since it's the fourth inning and Charlie Manuel doesn't like to let his startes throw 4 complete innings, he heads to the mound to bring in Kyle Lohse. Even though, Kendrick is only at 66 pitches, and was forced to pitch around Torrealba and then threw a great pitch that wasn't hit hard for an infield single, Manuel thought that was enough even though it clearly wasn't. This is the 164th time this has happened this season. My two day Charlie Manuel grace period is now officially over.

Oh. Look at that. Grand Slam Kaz Matsui. Shocker. He had 4 HRs this season. Beautiful. Rockies 6, Phillies 3.

Tulowitzki grounds out to end the inning, and suddenly I'm not so hungry for Acura cake.

Bottom of the Third: Pat Burrell hits a humpback liner into shallow right for the first out. Your move Ryan Howard.

Well I wish he would've moved because Ryan Howard's right hand is hit with the 0-2 pitch from Morales. The Phillies have now been hit by pitch a record 309,871 times this year. Man on first, one out.

Larry Andersen comments that Morales looks uncomfortable today out of the stretch. I have really missed LA's awesome commentary on TV this year. Meanwhile, Ryan Howard gets picked off at first base?!?!?! How is that even possible? Oh, LA mentions that Morales actually balked on the play because his foot crossed the rubber. I guarantee you that this no-call will wind up hurting the Phillies in some way. Still, Ryan Howard should NEVER get picked off. Ridiculous. Two out.

The Aarow promptly ends this now disappointing inning by flying out to right.

Still 3-2 Phillies after three.

Top of the Third: Thanks to the Phillies responding to Chris Wheeler's prophetic comments and Helms' walk, the Phillies are now going back out there with a lead, in search of their first shut down inning of the playoffs.

Well it looks like this is going to be a hard task because Kaz Matsui leads off the inning with a double which means that Troy Tulowitzki will get yet another chance to prove that he is Earth's greates baseball player. I am soooo sick of this Rockies team.

Wow. Tulowitzki just struck out. I can't believe it. Too bad Matt Holliday is up now. One out.

In 5 games at The Bank this year, Holliday has 5 homeruns. Not this time though as he grounds out to third and Helms keeps the runner at second base.

Now it's Todd "I Pray A Lot Because I'm Afraid of Going to" Helton's turn to try to get the runner home with two outs. They should pitch around him here with first base open and a righty up next. Instead, the count gets to 2-2 as it looks like Kendrick is going after him. If this gamble works, this will be huge. And it does as Helton flys out to RF to end the inning. Phillies 1, Jesus 0.

Bottom of the Second:: Jayson "Lankomatic" Werth leads off the inning with yet another strike out while Wheeler says that the Phillies need to "do what they do best and start producing runs." Oh really, Wheels? You know, that's a good idea. I wish I'd thought of that.

Huckleberry Helms is now up after a shockingly good game yesterday that included no errors at thrid and a fly out to the warning track. It was his best game since mid-June, and I was there to see it in person! After wroking the count full, Wes Helms walks! Wes Helms is on base everybody! Let's sign him to an extension! Only good can come of this.

Chooch Ruiz is now up with a man on first. Rockies manager, Clint Hurdle, comes out and argues something, but I'm not sure what cause I spaced out for a moment because the sun was in my eyes. Yes, I know I'm indoors. The sun is my enemy no matter where I am. There's nothing I can do about it. In much better news, Chooch Ruiz doubles to center over Spilborghs' head and now there are runners on 2nd and 3rd with one out. Unfortunately...

...Kyle Kendrick, the pitcher is now up. He probably won't get a hit, but if he can at least make contact hard enough to get it past the drwn in infield then maybe they can get a run. Instead, Kendrick grunds out to second base, and Huck isn't able to score. Two out.

We're back at the top of the order, and the Rockies should not pitch to Jimmy Rollins with first base open and Chase "I Rake Air" Utley on deck. I never thought I would type something that negative about Chase. Even though they're pitching around him, Rollins works the count to 2-2, so now they might go after him, even though these pitches are balls.

Well, I guess it's a good thing Jimmy chased some pitches becasue HE TRIPLES INT THE GAP in left-center and both runs score! The crowd chants M-V-P and all of a sudden the Phillies are back in this series. Phillies 3, Rockies 2, as Josh Fogg starts to warmup in the Rockies bullpen.

Morales is up to 50 pitches now, but Utley flys out to center to end the inning. This is clearly a moral victory, as Utley did not strike out. I predict he doesn't strike out for the rest of the series. The Vengabus is coming.

After 2 innings, its Phillies 3, Rockies 2.

Top of the Second: Forget it, the updates will now be at the top of the page. All that scrolling is tiresome. In related news, that was the first time I've ever typed the word, "tiresome."

Kyle Kendrick walks Brad Hawpe to lead off the inning, which is always good.

Ryan Spilborghs grounds the ball back to the mound and Utley can't turn the double play because Kendrick throws the ball poorly to second base. At least there's one out now, though Spilborghs is on first. I'd like to officially nominate Spilborghs for the Worst Last Name on the Rockies Award.

Rockies catcher Yorvit Torrealba is up next and flys out to center for the second out. At this time I'd also like to nominated Torrealba for the Worst Last Name on the Rockies Award, along with Troy Tulowitzki, who is the eraky favorite thanks to his first inning HR.

Franklin Morales, the Rockies rookie pitcher comes to the plate and Phillies commentator, Chris Wheeler, explains how important it is in the National League to turn the lineup over so the lead-off hitter can bat first in the next inning. I love how Chris Wheeler always thinks he's saying something important when he says this, when in reality, even three year old Scottish orphans who know nothing about baseball know this fact. Morales Ks and the inning is over.

Afte two and a half, it's still Rockies 2. Phils 1.

Bottom of the First: If the Rockies half inning showed anything, it's that the shadow excuse is not bothering them. If the Phillies don't do anything this inning, we'll know why.

The MVP HITS A LEAD-OFF HOMER TO LEFT!!! They're still 2 runs away from being the team to beat in this playoff game. Rockies lead 2-1.

Chase "I Rake" Utley somehow does what he does best in these playoffs and strikes out for a 5th straight time. What exactly is it that Utley rakes again, Jayson Werth? Cause it's not Rockies' lefties, that's for sure.

Pat Burrell hits a foul homer, which he has excelled at his whole career, and then walks on a 3-2 pitch, which he also does very well. Shockingly, Charlie Manuel does not pinch run for Burrell in the first inning.

Ryan Howard comes up to the plate with a man on first and will either walk, strike out, or homer. Not surprisingly, he strikes out swinging. Two outs.

Aaron "The Aarow" Rowand grounds into a fielder's choice to end the inning. It's a shame that my "Aarow" nickname for him never caught on. Maybe it will for him next year on the Yankees.

After one, it's Rockies 2, Phillies 1.

Top of the First: Is there anything better than listening to Harry Kalas call playoff baseball on the radio? Yes. Listening to a drunk Harry Kalas call playoff baseball on the radio. The 6th inning can't come fast enough.

Kaz "Yes, I'm a Starting Baseball Plyer on a Playoff Team" grounds out to second base for the first out.

Troy Tulowitzki hits a homerun after it was originally ruled a triple, and Charlie Manuel waddles out and argues in some jibberish that no one understands. 1-0 Rockies.

And Matt Holliday homers on the next pitch, and I am forever retiring from live blogging. 2-0 Rockies.

If Todd Helton homers, I'm burning down his church...

Yay! Pop-up. Two outs.

Garrett "Phillies 3B in 2008" Atkins flys out to end the inning.

After one half of an inning, it's 2-0 Rockies and I'm officially scared to death.

Almost Top of the First: I've been doing this for about 10 minutes and I'm already exhausted.

Pregame: I'm listening on 1210AM and it appears that Gary Matthews, aka "My Mortal Enemy," is miraculously not going to doing the color for the game. This is good news for me because I don't have to listen to him, but bad news for all of you because now there will be much less comedy because about 75% of it was going to be dedicated to insulting that retard.

In Phils lineup news, Werth is in, and Victorino is out with Utley hitting second and Helms playing third base.

Here we go! The Phils really need this one.

Pre-Pregame: I've decided that I will update this post and go by half innings instead of times. Also, Ill start at the top of the page and work my way down in chronological order, which means the bottom of the first will appear under the top of the first. Once you see it, you'll understand.

--------------------------

It's a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive (blog)! That's right, folks, for the first time in Failure's Art history, I will be doing a live blog of the Phillies' playoff game today (3PM ET) as I listen to it on the radio. Since I'm stepping into the 21st century of blogging now with this historic event, it is clearly obvious that this site is now slightly (read 3%) less unprofessional than it already is.

I was 12 years old the last time the Phillies made the playoffs in 1993, and up until this Sunday, it was the greatest baseball season of my life. This 2007 Phillies season is not too far behind 1993's version and may actually pull ahead even if they don't make it to the World Series, and that's mainly because how great the final month of this season was, and how we wound up winning the East. I was at the game yesterday thanks to my friend and FART member, Mike, and even though they lost and I was super depressed afterwards. the game was still unlike any other game I've ever attended. So, since I'm not going today, I want to feel a part of this game too in some way, and I'll be doing that, at least until 5PM where I'll take a break to drive home and hopefully resume once I'm there and watching it on TBS.

Prepare the rally towels folks because the H is O!

Team to Beat

2007-09-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

Why can't the Phillies play the Mets every game?

Hey, Mike Schmidt...

2007-08-29T20:04:00.000-07:00

...you look like you have something to say. Well, do you?

INTERESTING MIKE SCHMIDT FACT: I was once the subject of a message left on his answering machine.

BeardQuest 2007

2007-08-24T16:31:00.000-07:00

If you've learned one thing after all of these years of reading my wonderful words it's that I go off the deep end and take awards nominations that don't really mean anything way too seriously. If you've learned two things about me it's that one, I go off the deep end and take awards nominations that don't really mean anything way too seriously, and two, when I can't think of anything else to write about, I wind up writing about my facial hair, or lack thereof. Well, we've once again reached that special time where I feel that I absolutely must let you know what's going on with the hair growth on my giant freak head.

As of yesterday afternoon at around 1:39 Easten Standard Time I felt like I had reached the special point in every man's life where he feels like he must know what he looks like with a fully grown beard at least once before he dies. Since I've become seriously addicted to heroine and 18th century firearms over the past month, I feel like I better get this out of the way soon because I may not have much time left (although that gun club I'm now in is really cool - we hunt and shoot only the rarest of house cats and then get Fribble milkshakes to celebrate). I now consider myself officially on my BeardQuest. As you know, I came close before with my 1995 Mark McGwire goatee, but that really doesn't count towards the BeardQuest because it only covered about 35% of my face and was lame. I already have nearly a two week start on my latest shot at glory and I plan on sticking through this as long as I can.

Luckily, it's been kind of cold in Philadelphia this week so all of this itchy facial hair has yet to really bother me. It is important that it starts to get cooler soon for my Quest purposes (although I'm sure ManBearPig has something to say about that) because I have decided to let the underchin hair go unshaved. This will be my hardest test of all because that is the itchiest and hottest facial hair imaginable, but on the other hand, what's the point of going on BeardQuest if you aren't going to challenge yourself? I am up for the challenge.

You might also be thinking if I will cut my real hair in order to balance things out so my head stays cooler. The answer is no I will not. While the rules of BeardQuest don't specifically state that it is illegal to cut your hair during your journey, it is certainly frowned upon if you do so. I plan on sticking to the unwritten rules. Come mid-September I plan on looking like Teen Wolf at least from the neck up, though unfortunately I will not aquire Teen Wolf's basketball skills. I plan on being more like the street-clothes-man-about-town version of Teen Wolf than the van-surfing-basketballing version, athough I'm sure I will have the bottled rage of both versions. (Note to self: buy Teen Wolf on DVD, but try not to purchase the version that also comes packaged with Tean Wolf II).

Right now is where I would say "let the BeardQuest begin," but it already has and I missed my chance. So instead I say, "let the previously started BeardQuest successfully continue!"

IN BeardQuest RELATED NEWS: Don't be too surprised if BeardQuest dies by Sunday.

IN OTHER NEWS: Myself and my friend and member of the Failure's Art Reporting Team (or FART), Mike, are huuuge fans of current Phillies utility man/pinch hitter, Greg Dobbs (if you're on facebook, you already know that). Recently, Mike won two autographed and game used Greg Dobbs items during a silent auction at a Phillies game: a bat and a helmet. In order to show our appreciation for the greatest bench player ever to play baseball (this year for the Phillies) we made a YouTube tribute video in his honor last Friday night while we were at least somewhat drunk. Well, this past week I sent the video into my favorite Philadelphia sports blog (the700level) and they were nice enough to put it up for everyone to see. So, as a result, I'm kind of blowing up right now. Greg Dobbs fans from all across the Delware Valley now know of my greatness, and frankly, it's about time. So, in order for the rest of small sections of this great country to truly appreciate just how awesome I am, here is the700level link with the video. It's no sock puppet fighting AIDS, but it's still pretty good. Mount up!

90%

2007-07-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

In honor of the upcoming Shark Week (easily the best week of every year) and the fact taht I'll be down the shore til next Saturday, I'll leave you with a special post. Well, it will at least be special and more funny for at least 10% of those who will watch. This is just something I threw together last night for fun, so enjoy it if you want. So, select members of Fordham's Class of 2003, here you go. See you in August.

Guess Who's Furious? (Part II of II)

2007-07-20T09:37:00.000-07:00

Before we get back into things, I only now realized that I didn't give you a link yesterday with all of the actual nominees. So, if you're dying to know what was nominated for Outstanding Commercial or who was nominated for Outstanding Guest Actor in a Drama Series (my money is once again on Christian Clemenson) then you can head over here and check it out. There are actually two awards that won't air on the broadcast that I'm interested in - Outstanding Main Title Design and Outstanding Original Main Title Theme Music - because in both categories Dexter and Hu$tle are facing off against each other. Unfortunately for Hu$tle, Dexter's main title is one of the coolest sequences I've ever seen (especially in HD) and the theme music fits along perfectly with it, though Hu$tle theme song is fun and really gets me pumped for each episode. You can see Dexter's here and Hu$tle's here. Also, just in case you were wondering, these are the only two categories (actually Dexter also has an editing nomination, but still) that these near perfect series are nominated.

Ok, let's get to it. We'll start off with the actors and my favorite and deepest category:

Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

Actual Nominees

William Shatner, Boston Legal: Both Denny Crane and Boston Legal are awesome, but weren't they nominated as a Comedy before this year?

T.R. Knight, Grey's Anatomy: I know that are some people who may read this who inexplicably like this show, so I'm just gonna try to keep my mouth shut with all of these upcoming actual nominees.

Masi Oka, Heores: Yatta!

Terry O'Quinn, Lost: Don't ever tell me what I can't do! EVER!

Michael Emerson, Lost: Forget the fact that he may be the creepiest actor on TV - he might also be the best.

Michael Imperioli, The Sopranos: Poor Christophuh.

My Nominees

James Callis, Battlestar Galactica: A phenomenal actor who plays, quite possibly, the most interesting and human character on television.

Harry Dean Stanton, Big Love: If there was a character who was designed to get nominated for Best Supporting Actor, it's Roman Grant.

Jack Coleman, Heroes: HRG held the show together during it's wonderful first season and was also involved in the coolest scene in the past year (semi-spoiler alert).

Philip Glenister, Life On Mars (BBC America): DCI Gene Hunt is perfect as a no-nonsense detective in 1973 London, and has the best lines of anyone I can remember.

Henry Ian Cusick, Lost: Desmond is the heart and soul of Lost and is my favorite character on my favorite show.

Michael Emerson, Lost: Benry's addition to Lost, along with Desmond, has just elevated the show into another level and has given the show new life.

Enrico Colantoni, Veronica Mars: He quite possibly played the coolest, yet somehow most realistic dad that I've ever seen, but unfortunately his show was on the CW and was unjustly cancelled so he has no chance of being recognized.

Honorable Mention: Roger Cross, 24: R.I.P., Curtis Manning - the show just wasn't the same without you (I'm going to cry again if I watch this).

My Winner: This is probably the hardest decision that I've had to make so far, but since everyone wants to ignore Gaius Baltar (or want him dead) I'm making him my winner. Sorry, Dez, this round of MacCutcheon's on me.

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

Actual Nominees

Rachel Griffiths, Brothers and Sisters: Apparently, there's a show on ABC called Brothers and Sisters.

Sandra Oh, Grey's Anatomy: Please, not again.

Chandra Wilson, Grey's Anatomy: You've got to give her credit - at least she indirectly gave us this.

Katherine Heigl, Grey's Anatomy: Hi, I'm a giant.

Aida Turturro, The Sopranos: Hi, I just ate Katherine Heigl.

Lorraine Bracco, The Sopranos: She managed to get nominated even though she had a total of nine minutes screen time this past season and is the worst actor with the worst voice and the biggest calves in the history of television.

My Nominees

Fionnula Flanagan, Brotherhood: I equally loved her and hated her character as the old school Irish mother of Tom and Michael Caffee in television's most underrated show.

Julie Benz, Dexter: It felt so good to see her do so well and grow as a character as Dexter's girlfriend, Rita.

Elizabeth Mitchell, Lost: She did so well as Juliet that I 'm still unsure f her actual motives.

Callie Thorne, Rescue Me: She somehow manages to make the psychotic and maddening Sheila lovable and sympathetic week after week.

Maria Doyle Kennedy, The Tudors: I lubbed her performance as Queen Catherine of Aragon, even though she left me bery frustrated at barious times vecause she seemed so clueless as to what was really happening.

Honorable Mention: Daveigh Chase, Big Love: Ooooh I just hate that Rhonda!

My Winner: Callie Thorne, because it's about time that someone else gets recognized from cable's best show.

Best Actress in a Drama Series

Actual Nominees

Sally Field, Brothers and Sisters: Stick to the Boniva commercials.

Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU: Hasn't "Man Jaw" already won this?

Patricia Arquette, Medium: Patricia can no longer fit into medium.

Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer: I'm more of a Jonathon Papelbon guy.

Minnie Driver, The Riche$: I'm actually happy with this selection even though I've only seen about 20 minutes of this show.

Edie Falco, The Sopranos: The Murphy Brown of this category.

My Nominees

Ginnifer Goodwin, Big Love: Easily the most adorable character on television.

Chloe Sevigny, Big Love: She's such a pleasure to watch in every scene.

Jeanne Tripplehorn, Big Love: It is seriously a crime that none of the Mrs. Hendricksons were nominated.

Polly Walker, Rome: The Julie Cooper of Rome really deserves to be at least nominated though it can be argued she belong more with the Supporting Actresses (just don't tell Atia that).

Edie Falco, The Sopranos: I only kept her on because she's managed to play the dumbest (in terms of intelligence) character on television so very well for so many years.

Kristen Bell, Veronica Mars: Maybe the best young actress alive played one of the most likable and respectable characters around (and yes I'm counting Dakota Fanning).

My Winner: Well I was gonna send off Veronica with this award, but I've decided to give it to the Mrs. Hendricksons, just as long as Barb accepts the award pubically, honoring Bill's request.

Best Actor in a Drama Series

Actual Nominees

Kiefer Sutherland, 24: It wasn't their best season (read: worst), but at least he had the greatest kill scene ever.

James Spader, Boston Legal: Alan Shore never loses (keep that in mind).

Hugh Laurie, House: Does anyone seriously know by now that he's actually British. I can't begin to tell you how old that is getting.

Denis Leary, Rescue Me: Blah, blah, blah.

James Gandolfini, The Sopranos: He's alive - get over it.

My Nominees

Bill Paxton, Big Love: He's done enough will Bill Hendrickson that hopefully people will realize that he isn't Bill Pullman.

Jason Issacs, Brotherhood: Michael Caffee and Dexter Morgan will be on back-to-back every Sunday night on Showtime starting September 30th, and I can't wait.

Michael C. Hall, Dexter: The best actor playing the best character on the best channel on television.

Denis Leary, Rescue Me: I seriously couldn't imagine my television viewing life without Tommy Gavin.

Ray Stevenson, Rome: Titus Pullo - enough said.

James Gandolfini, The Sopranos: I really have a lot of things that I want to say about this character because in my opinion he really exemplifies the true nature of really what it means to

Honorable Mention: Jason Clarke, Brotherhood: Brotherhood has two leads with its two brothers, and Clarke is definitely deserving of a nomination, but I just like Michael more that Tommy.

My Winner: If only Dexter could in some way find a way to kill those who didn't nominate Michael C. Hall for this award. This is really an unforgivable crime.

Outstanding Drama Series

Actual Nominess

Boston Legal: I love this show but it can't be nominated as a comedy one year and then be nominated as a drama the next, especially considering it's more of a "popcorn" show.

Grey's Anatomy: So I watched the last half hour of the season finale (while waiting for the Lost recap episode) and it actually somehow managed to be even worse than Talladega Nights and The War At Home put together.

Heroes: I loved Heroes right from the opening shot and I'm so very happy that it was nominated.

House: You know how I feel about House (in case you forgot, scroll about halfway down to where it says, "speaking of FOX").

The Sopranos: Shocker!

My Nominees

Battlestar Galactica: While there were some fillers at the beginning half of the second part of season three (if you can understand what I just wrote) the way this past season both started and just ended was just WOW.

Big Love: If polygamy is really this fun and engaging then sign me up!

Brotherhood: I've never wanted to go to Providence, RI as much as I did after blowing through these episodes in one week on Showtime OnDemand.

Dexter: Like nothing I've ever seen before on television.

Heroes: Heroes somehow managed to do what no one else had been able to do on Monday night - kill Jack Bauer.

Life On Mars: If you can somehow manage to watch this show before David E. Kelly adapts it for American television come mid-season, then please do because it will so totally be worth it.

Lost: Just when you thought it couldn't get any better, Damon and Carlton throw those last 16 episodes of season 3 at you (and I'm not even gonna get into the finale), but apparently it's still no Grey's Anatomy.

Honorable Mention: Hu$tle: I know I said yesterday it's a dramedy, but I've never had as much fun watching a television show (save Arrested Development, obviously) as I do when I watch this one.

My Winner: It's really not fair that I have to pick only one winner here (I'm not gonna have a tie cause that's lame) considering the quality of the shows listed above. However, considering that I can at least understand why a show on Showtime about a serial killer wouldn't be nominated, but cannot even begin to fathom how the greatest show ever to air on network television was just flat out ignored. It's really insulting to me that Lost wasn't nominated considering that season three is arguably better than season one, and also considering that I might not be able to survive and hold out until February when it comes back. So I'm going through the looking glass here and picking Lost as my winner over so deserving shows.

Ah, so goodbye.

JUST SO YOU KNOW: I may have an NBA Draft post for you next week.

Guess Who's Furious? (Part I of II)

2007-07-19T12:54:00.000-07:00

Well seeing as how I either only post about once a month, or about what should have been nominated for things, this post will easily take care of both. In case you didn't know, the Emmy nominations came out this morning, and as you can probably imagine, I'm super angry. Right now a lot of you guys are probably saying "so what, loser," but when you watch as much television as I do (trust me, it's much more than anyone else you know) you tend to get a little peeved when those deserving of nominations don't get nominated.

Now clearly this is nothing new. Every year the same people and shows are nominated (sometimes even in the wrong categories - there should really be a Dramedy category) and every year the same people win (hello, John Lithgow and Tony Shaloub). Not to mention that well-liked/respected shows are always nominated and sweep in their final year no matter the quality. It's really the most predictable award show out there (other than the ALMAS, obviously) and I know that I really shouldn't be angry every year for the same reasons, but when it comes to certain award shows I just always will be and there's now way that will ever change. There are just too many good things on television. I know I've said it before, but if you know where to look and also what to avoid (and also pay for HBO and Showtime) then I believe that we are in the Golden Age of television. So, before we get to my nominations (which I promise you will not be as long as my Oscar nominations version of this list) I'll go through my thought process for making my list.

1.) I don't watch CBS (mainly because it's the worst network on TV, but also because it's watched mainly by old people), so you will not see any nominations from CBS. If you are mad about this then you probably shouldn't ever read this site anyway because people who enjoy CBS (with the obvious exception of Letterman) are either retarded or grandparents.

2.) There is really no limit to how many nominees are in each category. Well, that's a lie actually. There aren't any more than 7 nominees for each category, or any less than 2. The reason for this is that there are certain categories where there are just too many shows/people that are worthy, while there are others (I'm looking at you Lead Actress in a Comedy Series) that just need to be whittled down to only those that have earned it (and not just names over actresses over 40 that we've heard of before).

3.) Now this was a tough one for me, but I did not decide to create any categories, and by any categories I mean any Dramedy related categories. Other than the fact that I didn't really feel like doing it, I want to focus more on the categories that exist just so that when the Emmy people read this, they'll know just how badly they got everything wrong.

4.) There will also be no Reality Show nominations on my list. I'm sticking just to the big ones in the Comedy and Drama categories. But, just in case you were wondering though, here's who I would've nominated for Best Reality Show (Competition shows included): Dog Whisperer (which was actually nominated), Digging for the Truth, Beauty and the Geek, King of Miami with Dave Hill (pictured below from the HD channel, MOJO), This American Life, and everything that appears on Shark Week (which would be my unfair winner).

5.) I will be listing what was actually nominated in my revised categories, and I will write no more than one sentence on both the real nominees and my awesome ones, though for some I won't write anything at all.

6.) There will be an honorable mention section for some categories.

7.) Since I couldn't really find a place for either of these programs I'm about to mention, I just want to recognize them here before we get started. The first program is Planet Earth which did get nominated for a number of awards and should win for each one. I've said it before, but this was the single greatest television achievement of all time, and if I were ever to by an HD DVD player it would be just so I could buy this show and watch it again. The second program is easily televisions most consistent show/comedy and that's The Soup which should just win it's own special award every year. I've said it to some of you before, but Joel McHale should be the one to take over for Conan if and when he leaves to take over for the Tonight Show (I'll believe that Leno's leaving in 2009 when I see it). For McHale's sake, I hope his new show does well, but it better not take anything away from The Soup.

8.) I mainly decided to post this because Dexter and Big Love were nominated for nothing major. Dexter got a couple noms for it world-beating main title theme/sequence, and as far as I can tell Big Love got ZERO nominations. This is just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Also, I know that cinematography isn't a major category, but I was personally insulted that Dexter's DP wasn't nominated (and that's just because I know him). If you've seen Dexter then you know why I love it and why I'm mad. If you haven't the DVD comes out August 21st (along with season 10 of South Park - best Tuesday ever!).

9.) All nominations will be listed in alphabetically by show (seeing as how I just memorized the alphabet last week and I want to show off my new skill).

10.) My "Rules for My Nominations List" should only really have 9 rules.

We'll do Comedies today and Dramas tomorrow. Here we go:

Best Comedic Series

Actual Nominees

30 Rock: A funny show, but sometimes it tries too hard and is always too "jokey" in my opinion.

Entourage: One of the most fun shows to watch that I've ever see, though it's only really a comedy when Vinny and E aren't the main focus.

The Office: Every episode was an event, though I'm getting really sick of Jim.

Two and a Half Men: On the internet no one can hear me scream.

Ugly Betty: A "comedy" like Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives are comedies, meaning that I've never seen them, and would never laugh if I did.

My Nominees

Entourage: They got this one right.

Extras: This final season (or "series" if you wanna be all British about it) was much better than the first one thanks to Stephen Merchant.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The most deliciously funny/evil show on television.

The Office: "Is that a ladies' suit?"

South Park: Why it's always only nominated for Animated Series and not Best Comedy I'll never understand.

Weeds: Arguably had the best season finale of the year, and August 13th can't come fast enough.

My Winner (and most likely the actual winner): The Office - there's just no better comedy on TV right now.

Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

Actual Nominees

Kevin Dillon, Entourage: The reason to watch the show.

Jeremy Piven, Entourage: If only he could be nominated along wit Lloyd (Rex Lee).

Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother: I guess he's filling in for David Hyde Pierce and Sean Hayes.

Rainn Wilson, The Office: Now if only the Academy will recognize him for his work in My Super Ex-Girlfriend...

John Cryer, Two and a Half Men: America's Most Watched Network!

My Nominees

Tracy Morgan, 30 Rock: Not better (and some may even argue not crazier) than Alec Baldwin, but still at least worthy of a nomination.

Kevin Dillon, Entourage: Victory!

Stephen Merchant, Extras: I'd also nominated him for Best Uncredited Cameo.

Marc Warren, Hu$tle: Hu$tle is a BBC dramedy about con-men that airs in America on AMC, and Warren's Danny Blue is its best character.

Rainn Wilson, The Office: Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica.

Justin Kirk, Weeds: Andy holds the show and the Botwins together.

Honorable Mention

Creed Bratton, The Office: Hands down the funniest character on television, but unfortunately not on enough to qualify.

My Winner: I'm actually picking Stephen Merchant here over Justin Kirk. Merchant's permanent addition in every episode as Andy Millman's agent saved Extras as a series (for me anyway).

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series

Actual Nominations

Jaime Pressly, My Name Is Earl: Earl was very underrated this year, and Joy is still the best character.

Jenna Fischer, The Office: It's about time.

Conchata Ferrell, Two and a Half Men: Jah?

Holland Taylor, Two and a Half Men: I guess this makes up for all those time she was snubbed for The Naked Truth.

Vanessa Williams, Ugly Betty: Sometimes the snow comes down in June, sometimes the sun goes round the moon, just when I thought our chance had passed, you go and save the best for last.

Elizabeth Perkins, Weeds: Somewhere Josh Baskin is smiling.

My Nominees

Jaime Pressly, My Name Is Earl

Kaitlin Olson, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Hundred Dollar Baby.

Jenna Fischer, The Office: I would've gone to her art show.

Elizabeth Perkins, Weeds: Have I mentioned yet how much I love Big!

My Winner: I was gonna go with Jaime Pressly seeing as how she should've won last year, but that was before Jenna Fischer broke her back. Jenna Fischer it is. Now if only she would stop making movies with Will Ferrell...

Best Actress in a Comedy Series

Tina Fey, 30 Rock: She's actually a kind of good actor.

Felicity Huffman, Desperate Housewives: The lesser half of Filliam H. Muffman is all houswives everywhere have left.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine and a Pizza Place: Old Christine is no Maggie Lizer.

America Ferrera, Ugly Betty: What is the difference between the concept of this show, and the concept of Andy Millman's show on Extras ("you havin' a laugh?")?

Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds: I heart Nancy Botwin.

My Nominees

Tina Fey, 30 Rock: But only because I couldn't let MLP run unopposed.

Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds: Snoop loves the MILF weed.

My Winner: Mary-Louise Parker in a landslide.

Best Actor in a Comedy Series

Actual Nominees

Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock: Listen, he made his daughter, so as far as I'm concerned, he can say whatever he wants as long as it doesn't get too physical.

Ricky Gervais, Extras: Ryan Seacrest is mad that the Emmys snubbed Ricky Jarvis.

Tony Shaloub, Monk: It's a funny idea for a character that should only have ever been nominated and won once.

Steve Carrell, The Office: That's what she said.

Charlie Sheen, Two and a Half Men: This garbage feels like it's been nominated more than Return of the King, which is extremely hard to do.

My Nominees

Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock: I clearly didn't mean to say above that he should beat his daughter.

Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report: In a perfect world this would count.

Ricky Gervais, Extras: See his pug-nosed face.

Charlie Day, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: He may not technically be the male lead, but he's the best one out of the three.

Steve Carell, The Office: How cool is it that he and Ricky Gervais are both nominated in the same category? At least they got something right.

My Winner: Well, it was close, especially considering this:

But in the end I'm going with Stephen Colbert, though only because Barry Manilow wasn't nominated.

See you tomorrow where I'm saving the drama for your collective mamas.

Too Many Mothef***in' Ants!

2007-06-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

So before I head up to the NBA Draft to harass a bunch of young athletes on the biggest night of their lives I thought I might share a couple things with you. I know that I've somehow managed to bring my post frequency down to one (sometimes two!) a month, but I assure that there probably is a reason for that, though I can't really think of one. Since I'm going to the Draft tonight, I guess you could expect a post about that, but at this point, who knows?

ONE: Steve Zahn (of Saving Silverman and, ah, Sahara? fame) was on Conan last week talking about his farm and about how he has some goats. But these aren't just your normal goats or else why would I mention it? These goats are special because they are something called Fainting Goats, and if you clicked on that link, or are about to watch the youtube clip below then you would know why these are the only kind of goats for me (there's something I never thought I'd say). Anyway, enjoy these goats and come visit me in about 5 years when I can guarantee that I'll have at least one of them.

To be fair though, I also faint every time I see an umbrella.

TWO: I was watching Frasier the other night on Lifetime (when you think about it, it makes sense) and I saw a commercial for an upcoming Lifetime original movie called Destination: Infestation. In case you couldn't tell from the awesome title, this movie which stars Jessalyn Gilsig (of Nip/Tuck and Heroes fame) and Antonio Sabato, Jr. (of an episode of the Outer Limits fame, who according to IMDB trivia "enjoys exercising") and it's basically just Ants on a Plane instead of Snakes on a Plane. This gem of a film premiers on 07.07.07. on Lifetime, and though I probably won't be around that night to see it, I will most definitely record it on my DVR. To my knowledge this isn't a sequel, which I guess is good because it won't taint the original Snakes in any way. Why Lifetime would wait over a year to capitalize on the hyp that Snakes failed to deliver, I don't know. All I know is that it's free and that it couldn't possibly be as bad as Talladega Nights (I didn't even come close to thinking of laughing once). In case you weren't convinced, here's IMDB description of Destination: Infestation:

While on a flight home from Columbia, the plane that Dr. Carrie Ross and her daughter are on, is attacked by bullet ants - whose sting is the most painful and deadliest on the planet. Joining forces with air marshal Ethan Hart, Dr. Ross, an entomologist, tries desperately to save the flight from disaster. In the end, their struggle brings them closer together and offers the couple hope for the future.

Sold.

THREE: The Twirl Master has returned:

I counted 12 on-screen twirls. Who knows what happened off-screen.

"I think he's doing the 'dice thing' too much."

From Berlin Down to Belize

2007-05-31T20:12:00.000-07:00

I got a post in for May! Woohoo! This post guarantees that the only months I've never posted in has been every September since this blog has existed - a fact I can't explain. Anyway. things will pick up in June (as I have lots of lots going on) but until then, I'll leave you with a blast from the past.

As for the following. It's nice to see that the lead singer from Rockapella (I always imagined his name to be either Barry or Roscoe) is still getting work, albeit with some sort of pharmaceutical a-Capella super-group. Anyway, if you love Carmen Sandiego (Best. Game show. Ever.), or Astelin, then this is for you.

If you guys want to watch a full Carmen Sandiego episode, here's one (parts two and three have links to the right). I think The Chief is dead isn't she?

Even Gluttons Gotta Eat

2007-04-09T13:08:00.000-07:00

First off: Congratulations to Jesus for winning The Masters yesterday. Just a great round from our Lord and Savior. Outstanding! He picked a great vessel in Zach Johnson, and in the end it was Tiger's lack of faith and not his putting or driver that cost him his 5th Masters. Repent, Tiger. Repent. He rose from the dead and won The Masters all in one day! Rejoice and be glad!

Second off: Yesterday might have been the greatest Easter ever for television programming. Let's just go over all that I watched yesterday.

1-4: Phillies at Marlins (yes, they lost, but it's still baseball)
3-7:30: The Masters
7:30: a very special episode of Diff'rent Strokes onDemand that dealt with racism and appendicitis
8-9: The Tudors in SHO HD onDemand
9-10: The Sopranos (guess what? nothing happened)
10-10:30: Entourage!!!
10:30-11:10: the Shallow Seas episode of Planet Earth on Discovery HD
Still Left to Watch: the Open Plains episode of Planet Earth

Just So You Know: Planet Earth is easily the greatest and most beautiful thing I've ever seen on television. Aside from all of the reality garbage, we really are living in the Golden Age of television, with Planet Earth being the reason why TV was invented.

Aside from that, I just wanted to post some pctures and videos from the amazing Dr. Dog concert I saw last Thursday. If you like me but don't appreciate their awesomeness, then I'm sorry but we just can't be friends anymore. It's just that simple.

The Pretender:

Ain't It Strange (outro):

I Hope There's Love (encore)

Dr. Dog is coming home down here for a concert this Friday if anyone wants to go...

October 16, 2007

2007-03-30T14:52:00.000-07:00

Hopefully Crank Prank Time Phones exist in the real future because I'm not going to be able to wait this long for GTA: IV. I've watched this trailer 10 times already.

I'm going to be pretty busy for most of April so don't expect much coming from me (not like anyone still does or ever did). Who knows though, I may have a surprise or two for you at some point, so don't completely forget about me just yet.

I'm Mister Manager!

2007-03-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

So this now makes three George Michaels who are no longer relevant.

Seriously though, after tonight's last episode I'm going to miss good old George pressing the buttons on his fake machine (although a fake Sports Machine is better than no Sports Machine at all) and giving away the scores before he shows the highlights. It's the end of a cheesy era. Who will our nation turn its lonely eyes to now?

And Now An Updated Ranking of My Three Favorite George Michaleseseses:

First:

Then:

And bringing up the rear:

Talkin' Talkies Mini (and Greg Oden, who is not so mini)

2007-03-23T16:28:00.000-07:00

I originally intended to do a Talkin' Talkies for today because there are SIX pretty big movies that I keep seeing commercials for opening today. Upon further inspection however, I noticed that none of these movies looks any good so why would I waste my time? Instead, I'm going to do a mini version of Talkin' Talkies (three sentences or less) so I don't waste your time either.

Reign Over Me

This is that Adam Sandler with Don Cheadle which actually looks like it has a plot, which is something new for an Adam Sandler movie. Unfortunately, it looks boring Jada Pinkett-Smith is in it who I'm convinced is a man. Another reson not to see this is because it's poster makes it look like it's a romantic comedy with Sandler and Cheadle in the same pose that Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston are in on the poster for Along Came Polly.

The Last Mimzy

All I know is that Rainn Wilson is in this movie and that some kid tells his sister that she's eating a dead cow while she's in the middle of her cheeseburger. I approve of both, but neither is good enough a reason for me to see go and see it. I might have wanted to see this movie when I was 9 though, so maybe that means something.

Pride

When I saw a trailer for this a little while ago, I nearly laughed throughout the entire time in the theater. What I could gather from it was that it was a Bernie Mac swimming movie period piece, that also included Terrence Howard who only seemed to be in this movie so he could cry, or be on the verge of tears in every scene. I don't really have any interest of seeing this now (though it takes place in Philadelphia), but maybe I'll catch it in a few months when it premiers on Black Starz.

Shooter

Now if I only went by the title, I would see this movie in a split second because I've been waiting eleven years now for a Shooter McGavin (really one of the best movie villains of all time) sequel to Happy Gilmore (Sandler's last good movie). Unfortunately for me, this film is actually about Mark Wahlberg being blamed for shooting the President or something. If I was to see one of these movies in the theater it would be this one (which also seems to take place in Philadelphia) because I like both Wahlberg and snipers.

TMNT

It really saddens me to write about TMNT (or Kentucky Fried Chicken) coming out because it just looks so bad, and the graphics look like they're straight out of a Sega Saturn game. It's nice to know that the Ninja Turtles are popular again, but it's sad to see them in this sorry state. I feel the same way about this movie (very depressed) as I did with Dumb and Dumberer - the 90s weren't that long ago, so if you wanna see these guys, see them at their peak.

The Hills Have Eyes 2

I'm not even wasting my time telling you why you shouldn't see this. Did this even do well enough to warrant a sequel? We can get all of these lousy horror movies and their sequels, but we still can't get a Serenity sequel? Whatever.

BONUS: Air Guitar Nation

This looks super awesome, and I do very much want to see this in the theater. Finally, a documentary for everyone (don't even try to lie) that's worth everyone's time and money.

DVD Pick of the Week (3/27): Like I'm seriously not going to pick Children of Men? I've had this upcoming Tuesday circled forever. Watching this movie is the only thing I plan on doing next week. I'll even go on tour and bring it to your house and watch it with you if you want. You know, I'm just saying.

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And Now Greg Oden

Three out of the four Sweet 16 games last night were awesome, and though I would've rather seen the lower seeds win in the Kansas and Ohio St. games I'm happy they didn't because my bracket still has a chance. However, I can't let all of this praise of Greg Oden's block go on, because it's irrelevant because the Tennessee player didn't get his shot off in time for Oden to block it. Sure this "block" showed Oden's athleticism, and some emotion which he had been lacking all tournament, but it's moot because as you can see in the picture below, the ball was not out of the Tennessee player's hands before the clock hit zero and the orange light went on behind the backboard. You can see it all right here so please stop it with all of the Oden praise (and remember that if he was called for a flagrant foul like he should've been at the end of the Xavier game then OSU wouldn't have even made it this far anyway).

What's the Mileage on this Sucker?

2007-03-14T15:41:00.000-07:00

The more and more I watch American Idol, the more and more I miss The WB's Superstar USA. In case you didn't know about this show (read more about it here), it aired in the summer of 2004 and was the WB's answer to American Idol, except it was made to mock bad singers by making them think they were good. For seven glorious weeks, I laughed and laughed until I cried, and fell in love with these losers, and with the awesome judges (Vitamin C - who knew?). Unfortunately, this was a reality series that only would have worked once, so we'll never see it again, unless of course if they decide to put in on DVD, which they'll never do because I want it so badly. So, in celebration of the greatest reality talent show of all time, and also in anticipation of the greatest two days of every year, please enjoy these two classic performances of the two contestants who were robbed the biggest (I'm still shocked Rosa didn't win). I MISS THIS SHOW SO MUCH.

JoJo:

and Rosa (bad quality, so turn it up):

ONE MORE THING: Here's a bonus clip of the awesomeness that is Dr. Dog from Conan the other night:

So Easy Even a Caveman Can Write It

2007-03-02T17:19:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't heard, or don't like clicking on links, ABC is developing a comedy pilot based on the Caveman Geico commercials. As of now, I believe this is actually a real news story seeing as how there's no such thing as March Fool's Day (a mythical holiday that appears directly in between Groundhog's Day and April Fool's). Don't get me wrong, I love the Caveman commercials (in fact, one of these commercials provided my number one highlight so far of 2007 at a Super Bowl party), and consider them to be some of the best on TV, but to make an actual sitcom out of this? It seems like the words "Wacky Eighties'" should be used to describe this sitcom idea.

As for how good it will be, I see it falling somewhere between other Caveman-out-of-water classics "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer" and Encino Man, which I guess is a good thing. If you ask me though, I would much rather see a sitcom based around either the (in my opinion, better and funnier) Geico Gecko in a Single Guy type show for the new millennium (which should also co-star Joey Slotnick), or a Coneheads/Big Love type series revolving around the Whopper Family from the Burger King commercials, with Mr. Banana Grabber as their wacky next door neighbor.

Even though we'll probably never see those two shows I listed above, with the Geico Cavemen getting their own show, maybe there's hope that sometime in the future I will see my two dream shows. Until then, I guess I'll just have to watch (and probably love) the Caveman show.

Out Where?

2007-02-26T16:51:00.000-08:00

I originally intended during the Oscars last night to sit down and write any observations that I had so I can just put them up here for you to read. However, a few minutes in I got a better idea. Enter Jack Duffy.

My father is one of the smartest people I know, and when I say smart, I completely mean book smart. If you want to know anything about politics, religion, grammar/word definition, history, or anything else like that, all you need to do is ask and you'll get the answer. When it comes to the rest of life however, he is completely clueless in a most hilarious way. He just doesn't really consider things like pop culture or entertainment worth knowing about, and you really can't blame him. You definitely can laugh at him, though. This is what I spend a lot of my time doing. He's basically Frasier Crane.

Just to give you an example, for 2 straight years, whenever he has heard the name Kevin Federline, he always asks who he is. While Federline isn't worth knowing (though now he can be classified as the talented and responsible one), you'd think that by asking the same question over one hundred times for two full years, you might retain the answer at least once. Well, not so much. Anyway, when nights like last night roll around, he's always good for a few borderline retarded questions (that we all laugh at immediately, even him), and this time, I wrote them down.

Before we get to that though, I do have a couple of quick Oscar observations.

- One of these two people does not have an Oscar. They do at least have something in common though: neither one can sing.

- Speaking of Peter O'Toole, I noticed the new fashion trend last night: The Dead Look. I spotted at least four brave corpses last night besides O'Toole:

Sherry Lansing

Ennio Morricone

That Lady Who Won Best Costume

and of course, James Taylor

- I get the fact that Jessica Beil is super hot and all, but can we stop inviting her to award shows until she does a good job acting or is in a semi-decent film? Also, I pay zero amount of attention to fashion, but even I knew that the lipstick being the same hot pick color as her dress was a bad idea. Wow, I need to stop watching the E! Red Carpet show.

- I did get somehting out of watching Ryan Seacrest yesterday though. He was so very bad. Consider these three highlights:

1.) At one point while talking to Melissa Etheridge and her wife about shopping, he turned to the camera and said something along the lines of "see America, they do they're own shopping," meaning celebrities, and not lesbians like I'm sure everyone else thought he meant.

2.) Later on Seacrest told a Mexican (actor, Gael García Bernal) that he "cleaned up nice."

3.) Finally, towards the end of the broadcast while talking to Kate Winslet, he told her that he had a video message for her from "Ricky Jarvis," or as he is known to everyone else alive in the world, Ricky Gervais.

- I don't get it - was Jennifer Lopez trying to look like a pregnant alien?

- Almost forgot: nice jacket and pockets, oaf.

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And now for Jack Duffy's questions:

- When Maggie Gyllenhaal came out to talk about the Technical Awards she hosted he asked:

"Is she related to Jake Gyllenhal?"

- After the Dramgirls songs were performed (and the were kinda pitchy, dawg) this conversation happened:

Father: "Is whatshername dead?"
Mother: "Who?"
Father: "You know..."
Mother: "Diana Ross?"
Father: "Yeah."
Mother: "No."
Father: "Where is she?"

- When Al Gore came up with Leo DiCaprio, this brief conversation happened (and just so you know, he has seen An Inconvenient Truth):

Father: "What's he up for?"
Me: "Supporting Actor."
Father: "Oh, Inconvenient Truth, right?"
Me: "Good job."

- As Cameron Diaz walked out to present, this happened:

Father: "Is she still in the movies?"
Son: "Seriously?"
Mother: "She was just in one over Christmas."
Son: "Yeah, she does about three per year."
Father: "Oh."

- When Michael Arndt won for Original Screenplay as he walked up to accept over the PA a woman said that he had to quit his job as Matthew Broderick's assistant to write the script. My father was confused:

Father: "An assistant?"
Mother: "Yeah?"
Father: "An assistant for what?"
Me: "Magic."
Mother: "All celebrities have assistants."
Father: "They do?"
Mother: "Wow."

- Finally, while Melissa Etheridge was performing her song, he unbelievably asked:

Father: "Is she a lesbian?"
Me: "Oh my God."
Mother: "Ah, yeah, she's been out for about ten years now. Since the mid-90s."
Father: "Out where?"

I think we're going to have to start selling tickets.

Talkin' Talkies: I'm Oscar (dot com)

2007-02-23T20:04:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the special Academy Award edition of Talkin' Talkies! If you were hoping that I'd spend this post making fun of The Astronaut Farmer, then you are out of luck (he's a farmer and his name is Farmer!). No, instead I will go over select categories of this Sunday's Oscars and tell you what I don't like about the nominations, who or what should've been nominated (and should've won in some cases), and who I think will actually win. Unlike previous Talkin' Talkies I actually have seen some of the movies that I will be talking about, though don't worry, I will still judge and viciously attack the ones I haven't seen. I'll try to keep these short because I have a lot of categories to talk about, possibly eleven. Ok.

Before We Get Started: Be prepared to hear about how much I love Children of Men, The Prestige, and Pan's Labyrinth. Just saying.

Achievement in Makeup: Apocalypto, Pan's Labyrinth, and Click

Really?: Let's get this Oscar debate started right where it always does: (said fantastically) MAKEUP!!! Yes, you read that right, Click got nominated for an Oscar, instantly making it the worst movie ever to receive such an honor. Now I must have seen the trailer a million times, as well as all of the commercials, and never, not once, did I see any special makeup. There has got to be some sort of fat suit, or characters in the future as old people sequence somewhere in this movie because I have no idea how else it could've been nominated.

Who Should Have Been Nominated: Pirates? Slither? Ah, I don't really care - it's for makeup - but there had to have been a third movie out there with better use of a makeup, right?

Who Should and Will Win: Pan's Labyrinth

Best Original Song: An Inconvenient Truth, Cars, Dreamgirls (x3)

Really?: Do you think I'm not rooting for Randy Newman? He wrote the Bathroom Vocabulary Theme Song! I gotta support my boy.

Who Should and Will Win: If the only musical in the category (a musical nominated three times for the same award) doesn't win the Best Song, then that pretty insulting. That being said, I still hope Dreamgirls loses every nomination and then somehow gets deported.

Achievement in Cinematography: The Black Dahlia, Children of Men, The Illusionist (Michael), Pan's Labyrinth, The Prestige

Yezzir: Three of maybe my favorite movies in a long time are nominated for this award, as well as another pretty awesome movie (The Illusionist) and the second worst movie ever to be nominated behind Click (The Black Dahlia). Cinematography is starting to become one of my favorite categories, so as long as one of my three wins, I'll be fine.

However: Children of Men should win this award. Get ready for me to be sweating this movie all over the rest of this post. It was unlike any movie I've seen in a long time, and in my opinion, it should've been nominated for just about everything.

Who Will Win: Children of Men, because it needs to be recognized somewhere.

Best Foreign Language Film of the Year: Pan's Labyrinth, Four Movies I Don't Care About

Seriously: Pan's Labyrinth is soooo good. If you can't read, or don't speak Spanish, or are too busy building a fence along the border (all three apply to so many people) then I feel very very bad for you because you'll never know how awesome this movie is. It's quite possibly the best movie I've ever seen by myself in the theaters. You only need yourself to watch a movie so get off my back.

Who Should Have Been Nominated: If Flags of Iwo Jima, or Letters of Our Fathers (whichever one is all in Japanese) can get nominated for Best Picture in the first place (more on that later) then why wouldn't it automatically be nominated for Best Foreign Language Film? In my opinion, it shouldn't be up for either. Unfortunately, the Academy is hanging from Clint Eastwood's balls for dear life. We get it, he's awesome. Now get over it.

Who Will Win: Pan's Labyrinth

Original Screenplay: Babel, Letters From Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, Pan's Labyrinth, The Queen

Racism Is Bad: Does Paul Haggis have to be nominated for an Oscar every year? If Judi Dench wasn't still alive, then he'd be the new Judi Dench. The only truly good work he ever did was writing for The Facts Of Life, and co-creating Walker, Texas Ranger. Also, he was ok on Entourage.

Who Should and Will Win: I can't decide between Pan's Labyrinth (shocker!) and Little Miss Sunshine (which gets better every time I watch it). I guess because Little Miss Sunshine was written by a first-timer (Michael Arndt) and also since it's nearly a perfect little movie, I'll say it will win.

Much Like If Hilary Clinton Wins The Presidency: If Paul Haggis, and Letters From Iwo Jima wins this award, then I'm leaving the country.

Adapted Screenplay: Borat, Children of Men, The Departed, Little Children (not of men), Notes On A Scandal

Wait, I'm Confused: Borat had a screenplay? An adapted screenplay? Yes, I do know that there were scripted parts of the movie, and that it's categorized as adapted because of Da Ali G Show, but I still have a problem with it being nominated for an adapted screenplay, at least for this reason. My argument for why it should be an adapted screenplay is because Sascha Baron Cohen adapted to the people in the movie as Borat. Get it? I realize that this is probably the only place where the Academy feels comfortable nominating this movie, and that's really a shame, but I'll take what I can get.

Unfortunately: Borat is up against The Departed, which has famously been adapted from the Chinese thriller, Internal Affairs, and Children of Men (which was a book). So no Borat win here.

What Does Christopher Nolan Have to Do to Get an Oscar?: Beats me. Is there anyone out there better at adapting existing stories (Memento, Batman Begins, The Prestige) into screenplays?

Who Should and Will Win: The Departed. It's just too awesome, and too well done.

Best Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio, Ryan Gosling, Peter O'Drunk (O'Toole), The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air, Forest Forest Whitaker

Speaking of Borat: How Sascha Baron Cohen wasn't nominated for Best Actor I'll never understand. He is the only one on this list who truly acted. He acted amongst real people who had no idea who he was, and he did it perfectly. Is it really harder to act on a comfortable set or location, than it is to act in real life situations where you are under the constant threat of being attacked by racist Americans? You tell me.

Who Else Should've Been Nominated: I was having a conversation not too long ago about how awesome Clive Owen is. No matter the quality of the film, Clive Owen has done a perfect job every time he has performed. I feel so safe and at ease when he is on screen, and he needs to be recognized with a win at some point of his career. He's the Steve Nash of every movie he's in, except better at defense. I think he deserved to be nominated for Children of Men (are you sick of this movie yet?), and I would have him (and Cohen) replace Gosling or O'Toole. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad that Gosling and O'Toole were nominated (it's nice to see random movies get Oscar shoutouts), I just think the Academy should have tried a little harder.

Anyone Else?: Yes, Christian Bale for The Prestige. Thanks for asking.

Who Will Win: Forest Whitaker in a blowout.

Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin, Jackie Earl Haley, Djimon Hounsou, Eddie Murphy, Mark Wahlberg

Really?: Jack wasn't nominated? How are they justifying that again? At least he'll get a good seat.

Also: I haven't loved him in the past, but Hugh Jackman was awesome in The Prestige. It's really his non-mutated defining performance in my mind.

In A Perfect World: Vinny Chase would win this award after being snubbed for his work in the unseen Queens Blvd, but I'm happy to see Alan Arkin (who was awesome, and also in The Rocketeer!) and Kelly Leak nominated 20 years too late.

Who Will Win Despite Norbit: Eddie Murphy. I really hate it that Eddie Murphy is going to win this. If he should have been nominated and won for anything, then it should have been Bowfinger. I'm completely serious about that. I love that movie.

Best Actress: Penelope Cruz, Judi Dench, Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep, Kate Winslet

Just Give It To: Helen Mirren and move on. Normally I hate it when people win awards for playing a real life person because how hard can it really be? If it's so hard, then why not give an Oscar to Darrell Hammond every year? For some reason though I like Helen Mirren, so she can have it.

It Would Have Been Nice: If Ivana Baquero, (Ofelia in Pan's Labyrinth) was nominated for Best Actress, but it would've been tough to exclude anyone off that already super strong list of nominees.

Best Supporting Actress: Adriana Barraza, Cate Blanchett, Abigail Breslin, Jennifer Hudson, Rinko Kikuchi

Just Be Happy That I'm Not Writing This One All In CAPS: Jennifer Hudson is going to win this award for sining one song reasonably well. I am about as angry over this as anyone should be. Seriously. I want to break things. I know I promised not to write in CAPS but HOW CAN A PROFESSIONAL SINGER WIN AN ACADEMY AWARD FOR PLAYING A CHARACTER WHO SINGS AS A SINGER IN A MUSICAL MOVIE BASED ON A MUSICAL PLAY THAT INVOLVES SINGING ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE SANG THE SONG EVERY WEEK ON AMERICAN IDOL TWO YEARS AGO?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? SHE IS GOING TO WIN AND I AM GOING TO KILL SOMEBODY!!! There are a million real actresses out there who are never going to win an Oscar, but all Jennifer Hudson has to do is lip sync to a song she recorded earlier (and one she has been singing her whole life) and she gets to win the ultimate acting prize? Not to mention that the song is pretty much the black woman's anthem (much like "Footloose" is for white women, and "O Canada!" is for me) to begin with, and it would be a crime against humanity if she didn't sing it well. I have a feeling that I, and I, and I, am going to be violently ill come Monday morning.

Who Should Have Been Nominated: Here's a perfect example of a young and talented actress who was snubbed so Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul can pat themselves on the back and awkwardly clap: Claire-Hope Ashitey. Who is Claire-Hope Ashitey, you may ask? She plays Kee in Children of Men. No one has ever heard of her before and she came onto the screen and just killed. You people need to see this movie and then convince me that Jennifer Hudson is Oscar worthy instead of Ashitey. Please just do that for me. It will so totally be worth it.

Best Director: Alejandro González Iñárritu (Babel), Martin Scorcese (The Departed), Clint Eastwood (Letters to our Fathers About Flags of Iwo Jima), Stephen Frears (The Queen), Paul Greengrass (United 93)

Really?: Paul Greengrass and Stephen Frears were nominated? That's realy nice for them, but behind Jennifer Hudson, the Best Director category is what I'm most upset about. I know that this horse has been dead now for weeks, but it is an absolute sin that Alfonso Cuarón was not nominated for the phenomenal job that he did with Children of Men. In my life, I have never seen a more realistically shot movie than I did with Children of Men. I 100% believed that not only was this vision of the future possible, but that it was real and happening. The entire time I was in the theater, I could only think about how delighted I was at every aspect of it, starting with the direction. Whether it was the awesome oners (long, continuous shots), or the water on the lens, or the coffee store bombing, I was there with Clive Owen and the other characters living the movie. It was an awesome feeling that stayed with me until it ended, and when it did end, it took me a couple minutes to come back into the real world. It was the perfect movie experience, and it was mainly because of Cuarón's direction. How it was ignored by the Academy really bothers me.

If You Have the Time: Read either or both of these interviews (here and/or here) with Cuarón.

In The End Though: It pretty muchs seals the deal for Martin Scorcese, which is nice. The Departed is my favorite movie of his, and I think that it's finally time that Scorcese's Great Pumpkin appears. Good for him and his eyebrows.

Best Picture: Babel, The Departed, Letters From Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, The Queen

Well: You know that I think The Departed and Little Miss Sunshine are amazing and should both be nominated. As for the other ones: I have less than zero desire to see any of them. Letters From Iwo Jima bothers me because it's a Foreign Language film nominated for Best Picture that isn't Pan's Labyrinth. I've talked to people who have seen Babel, and all they said to me was not to see it, which I like because that's what I originally thought. As for The Queen, isn't it more of a BAFTA type movie? It's great that Helen Mirren does a superb job, but isn't it really just a vehicle for her (much like The New Guy was for DJ Qualls)?

In Case You Haven't Figured it Out Yet: Here are my five nominees for Best Picture.

Then What?: For a while I would've said The Prestige, but that was before I saw Children of Men. All of my five picks are very good, and will be five of my favorites for years to come, but nothing compares to how I felt while watching Children of Men, which is a shame because I was completely immersed in the worlds that the other four movies displayed. The problem though is that I knew that the other four movies were fictional, and Children of Men just felt so real to me that I forgot where I was for two hours. That's really what it's all about.

Who Will Win: The Departed, but don't be surprised if the cast of Little Miss Sunshine is dancing suggestively on the stage come the end of the night.

And I'm Done: Enjoy Ellen.

42?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

2007-02-18T00:37:00.000-08:00

So very awesome.

How Dwight Howard didn't get a 50 on this dunk I'll never understand. They all love giving out the high scores to Nate "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" Robinson who can't dunk a basketball unless it's already in the air. Howard's dunk was my second favorite and the second best of all time in the dunk contest (and definitely the funniest), behind only Andre Iguodala's last year:

I do think that Nate Robinson should have dunked over his own cardboard cutout that Paul Pierce and Gerald Green brought. It would've been the first time in history that someone jumped over themselves to dunk a basketball. Oh well, maybe next year. Still though, the dunk contest was awesome and is going through a nice little renaissance which is always a good thing.

Jim Rome Is Flaming

2007-02-13T17:11:00.000-08:00

At around 4:45 yesterday afternoon, I was sitting around with nothing to do or watch. When this happens, I normally put ESPN on because even if there's nothing I want to watch, because it's always good background television or filler until it's time to watch something I want. So I did this yesterday, even though I knew that Jim Rome Is Burning (a show I hate) was on.

Like many of you out there, I've always had a problem with Jim Rome, mainly because no one would know who he was if he didn't call Jim Everett, Chris, which led to him being attacked on live television in the mid 1990s. In my mind, Jim Rome was always
a poor man's Roy Firestone, which by the way is a huge insult. He always tries to be edgy and cool by saying things that he thinks are controversial, when in fact it's just a bunch of soccer bashing (I mean, come on) and obvious and easy attacks on unstable and deserving athletes and celebrities. Plus, it's never good when the best part of your show (and its coveted 4:30PM daily timeslot) is Roger Lodge.

When he actually has guests on his show (I'm talking TV here, not his syndicated radio show), he always kisses up to them and asks them fluff questions that would be cheesy for even high school journalists to ask. Also, it seems like every day Rome runs out of things to talk about, so he decides to unnecessarily attack people or things that even though may be deserving (which a lot of times is debatable), they in no way are asking for it or expecting to be attacked. It's kind of like taking candy from a baby, and then setting that very same baby on fire after telling him that he's adopted.

I miss Roy Firestone:

Well good old reliable Jim Rome was up to his normal antics again yesterday in his segment that he likes to call "The Final Burn" (scary, man). After attacking former "soccer star" and current "soccer GM", Alexi Lalas (pictured here with his entire head on fire), Rome turned his scorching gaze upon dog lovers (via the annual Westminster Dog Show), who if you ask me have really been asking for it since 9/11. Get ready to be put in your place LOSERS!!!

***Filmed by me off of my awesomely gigantic plasma TV:

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Before you read the rest of this, please understand that though it may sound like it, I'm not that upset that he attacked dog lovers. What I'm angry about is the fact that Jim Rome only goes after those who aren't asking for it, and who won't fight back. That's just wrong, but I guess he doesn't want to be jumped on television again. The rest of this post is me kind of fighting back and defending the uncaring defenseless. I'll try not to go all Aaron Sorkin on you. Thanks. JD.

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Can someone please explain to me what is wrong with this guy? Sure he might think it's lame for people who like to watch the Dog Show. That's fine, but is he really out of material to a point where he needs to attack the people who do like dogs and the Dog Show? If you know me, you know that I love dogs (you may even think that I have some sort of special power over them as well, a power that many top scientists are spending a lot of time and resources racking their brains over trying to explain), and there are many of you that are just like me. I'm not retired (well, now only semi-retired), or a friendless loser (I have up to and including 3 friends, 4 occasionally), or am a woman in her thirties (though I have been mistaken for one a couple times in the past on the telephone). There are many people out there who are just like me who watch the Dog Show because they like looking at dogs. Dog make millions of people happy every day. Dogs are awesome (even more awesome in HD).

Just so you know, I have never sat down and watched all six hours of the Dog Show (in fact, thanks to 24 and Heroes I didn't even get to watch more than five minutes of it). In the past when I've even remembered that it's on (it's on USA so it's not like it's being rammed down our throats, Jim) I would check in on it periodically and find out when the groups that the dogs I have owned were coming on, and then watch the Best in Show part the last night. Watching the event is fun because every breed of dog is showcased, plus you get to see the weird handlers try to run around in a circle without falling down (and as a result get to make a lot of "which one is the dog" jokes which are always hilarious, example below).

If Rome wanted to attack the Dog Show, then he should attack the obsessive owners and handlers of these primped up dogs (which Christopher Guest already did perfectly). They are at least partially disturbing. There's still a problem here though, he's pointlessly attacking people who aren't even asking for it. Yes, we get it, they devote their live to dog pageantry, but how in any way does that interfere with what Jim Rome does. Trying to be controversial just to be controversial (which just like doing anything just for the sake of doing it) is worthless and a waste of everyones time. Also, if while doing something for the sake of doing it, you try to sound cool by using the word "cake" to describe money (do people really bet on dog shows, if so, then I'll agree with him there - they truly are losers) or call New York, "The Apple," or making some unidentified retarded noises to make fun of people you call "degenerates" (twice around the 44 second mark) then you, my friend, are super lame. Like, really super-duper lame. James Blunt lame.

No wonder the rest of the world hates the U.S.

I Missed The Puppy Bowl?!?!

2007-02-05T14:33:00.000-08:00

Wait, there's a Puppy Bowl? Apparently there have been three. I didn't get to watch it, but here's an interesting fact: there were 8 turnovers in Super Bowl XLI, and only 5 in Puppy Bowl III. To be fair though, I believe the Puppy Bowl was in a dome. Here's the intro to Puppy Bowl III, featuring reason no. 19,384 why I love Harry Kalas.

Eight turnovers? Really?

Bathroom Vocabulary - Theme Song!

2007-02-03T00:02:00.001-08:00

I know I promised you a Talkin' Talkies, but you're just gonna have to wait until early next week for that. Just so you know, it's gonna be an Oscar's Edition, so sit tight until I decide to write it. Until then, please enjoy the third episode of Bathroom Vocabulary. In this episode, I introduce the show's theme song. Up until this point, I only displayed the theme song silently in my head, so you couldn't hear it. Now, though, I finally decided to introduce it to you (and it's a waltz, so I expect you to dance to it at your wedding) in its full length form. Here it is, the third episode...

Happy Black History Month!

2007-02-01T10:14:00.000-08:00

I can't help it. I really can't. Every year when February rolls around I get super excited. Why, you may ask? Well that's easy - it's Black History Month. Ever since I was a little boy in a school for little boys and girls, I would always wait for February to roll around because I got to learn so many things that I never got to learn in other months. Whether I learned about just the general history, or specific people, I was always very eager to learn more and more facts, or what I like to call - "Blacts." I leave you now with a list of my favorite Blacts.

- Black is a color that produces or reflects comparatively little light and has no predominate hue.

- Blackboards are the most effective background for chalk of any color. Green blackboards disappoint me.

- Black Holes are scary and deadly.

- Both Metallica and Jay-Z have released albums that are either referred to, or named, The Black Album. They both suck.

- I know the only person who like black gumdrops.

- Real Men Wear Black

- The Black Death was so much cooler than Yellow fever.

- Bud Black will be an average to slightly above average manager of the San Diego Padres. Clint Black's voice makes me want to kill random people. Jack Black is in great danger of heading down the same unfortunate (read: downward) path (if he isn't on it already) that Ben Stiller (post Zoolander) and Will Ferrell (post Old School) have been on now for a couple years.

- The Black Knight moves for no man and always triumphs.

- Bands who wear black eyeliner are very popular amongst retards, and have also opened the new classic debate of "Which cover of Eleanor Rigby is worse?"

***INTERESTING FACT - If you play them both at the same time, your head explodes (just like it does if you sneeze with your eyes open).***

This One?

Or This One?

- Blackjack is awesome.

- Black clothes sometimes have a slimming effect.

- City-wide blackouts are hilarious. Here's a conversation I had with my father during the Northeast Blackout of 2003.

Me (just back from golfing on the Jersey Shore with my brother): Hey.

Father: There's been a blackout in New York.

Me (laughing): HAHA! That's hilarious!

Father (completely serious): It's not hilarious! PEEEEEEEOPLE ARE DYYYYYYYYYYING!!!

At that point zero people had died. In the end, only five deaths were reported, and there were zero reports of death from heat exhaustion. Turns out one person actually died from falling off a roof while breaking into a shoe store, which only enhances the hilarity.

Ok, so those are some of my favorite "blacts." Hopefully you learned a few things, and you can trust me when I say that I'll give you more in my posts during the rest of this month. Black Power!

Bathroom Vocabulary - Mail!

2007-01-26T13:34:00.000-08:00

Well I'm not quite sure why I keep doing this, but here is the second episode of John Duffy's Bathroom Vocabulary! I promise that I will return to the written word next week with a very special Talkin' Talkies, but until then, please enjoy this latest offering.

PART ONE

PART TWO

John Duffy's Bathroom Vocabulary - Pilot

2007-01-19T14:02:00.000-08:00

So here is the result of me not really feeling like writing anything, and instead inexplicably deciding to do something different like filming myself defining words from my bathroom. If you love it then "thank you"; if you hate it then "I hate yoooouuuuu!" Wow, I still can't believe that that's an actual song, and a popular one at that or so I'm told. Seriously though, I do apologize in advance if you don't like it. I just felt like mixing things up for once, and this is the (possibly unfortunate) result.

JUST SO YOU KNOW: The words you are about to hear defined are randomly selected and not actually bathroom related vocabulary, though in the future I suppose they could be if I randomly pick a word like soap, toilet, or magazine.

Ah, so enjoy.

Talkin' Talkies (12/8/06)

2006-12-08T17:14:00.000-08:00

This is for you, Mo. I haven't done this in a while, and I've only done it once, so hopefully I can remember the format. In case you've forgotten, these are my reviews for movies I haven't read reviews about or seen - I only base my thoughts on the trailer, commercials, talk show interviews, and/or what the word is on The Street, cause I'm frequently on The Streets.

Apocalypto

What It Is: ***EASY JOKE ALERT*** Mel Gibson's vision on how the Jews were responsible for the end of the Mayan civilization. ***END EASY JOKE ALERT*** It also looks like there is more than enough odd body-piercing/painting, blood, and grunting involved.

What I Like: I liked Mel Gibson in Ransom (I may be the only one actually). I know that he didn't direct Ransom, but if Apocalypto is anything like it, then I'm gonna love it.

What I Don't: Apocalypto is apparently nothing like Ransom.

What I Think: I think that this movie is probably very good but I'm just not in that big of a rush to see it right now. I like Mel Gibson as a director for the most part (though he does tend to go a little over the top with all that violence and whatnot), but it seems like his movies take a lot of work to watch, and also take a lot out of the viewer.

Will I See It: Absolutely, but at some point down the line when I'm ready to commit to it.

Bonus Mayan Fact: They're responsible for the inventions of camera cranes and boom mics.

Blood Diamond

What It Is: Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Connelly, and Djimon Hounsou star in this film about the search for a rare diamond in Sierra Leone in the 1990s.

What I Like: I like Leonardo DiCaprio. This didn't hit me until about a month ago until after I saw The Departed. DiCaprio has turned out to be one of those Brad Pitt type guys who the male population doesn't really respect at first because all the ladies like him cause he broke into the scene as a pretty boy/heartthrob actor that women of all ages love. Then a few years go by, and you realize that you like just about every single thing that he did after the movie that made him famous. Basically, I realized this with DiCaprio after I saw The Departed the same way I did with Pitt after Fight Club. Now, DiCaprio is as cool to me as Pit is. Over the last couple of months I've watched The Aviator every time it's been on one of the HBOs, plus Catch Me IF You Can, plau The Man in the Iron Mask (which has every actor, ever, in it). I'm really very upset that it took me so long to have this epiphany, plus I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about this upcoming DiCaprio project. Also, Jennifer Connelly is in this movie, and since I am a man with eyes, plus quite possibly the BIGGEST Rocketeer fan alive, that only helps things out.

What I Don't Like: I thought after I saw the trailer that I wouldn't be able to get past DiCaprio's white guy African accent. After thinking some more though, I realized that I've been able to sit through 4 seasons of Nip/Tuck without Joely Richardson's weak American accent bothering me too much, and that actors using different accents isn't really much of a problem to me anymore. Unless, of course, you're Kevin Costner in Thirteen Days. All together now: "This isn't a pehmission slip! This is youaw repohhhhhhht cahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhdddd!"

What I Think: I think that this it is a really cool looking movie that goes a lot deeper into the conflict diamond crisis than the end of Lord of War (I think I like that movie too much) did and that people should go and see it.

Will I See It: Hopefully in theaters.

The Holiday

What It Is: I know nothing about this movie other than the fact that it looks so very far beyond lame. Also, a clean-shaven/large-faced Jack Black is in it and I think Kate Winslett's character falls in love with him. Jack Black should never be allowed to not have facial hair. Next time this happens, he should be arrested.

What I Like: Nothing.

What I Don't Like: Everything.

What I Think: This is one of those movies where is seems like the trailer is just an endless parade of the four main characters smiling in slow-motion closeups. Those movies always turn out to be real winners.

Will I See It: Only if I can be water-boarded at the same time to lessen the pain.

Unaccompanied Minors

What It Is: A movie about kids who get stranded in an airport and learn the true meaning of Christmas or something. Young Chris Rock and Wilmer "No Ingles" Valderrrammmma are in it, plus Lewis Black (who my dad calls Lou Black because I guess they're old friends) as some evil airport guy (I think) who will most likely get a snowball in the face at some point (there is a possibility that a dog will also bite his testicles, no wait, that only happens during his act).

What I Like: I like that one of my favorite humans, Paul Feig, got paid for directing this movie.

What I Don't Like: That Paul Feig had to direct this movie instead of working on producing Season Eight of Freaks and Geeks, or directing episodes of Season Four of Arrested Development. At least he gets to direct The Office sometimes.

What I Think: This has quite possibly the worst title of all time. Even Kids Stranded in an Airport would've sounded better, but I guess no one would greenlight an airport related movie with such a stupid title.

Will I See It: I will only see this movie in an airport or on an airplane. It at least has to be better than The Terminal, right?

DVD Pick of the Week (12/12):

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe (Four-Disc Extended Edition)

TVD Pick of the Week (12/12):

Pinky and the Brain, Vol. 2. It came out on Tuesday, so it's not technically next week, but it's world's better than any of next Tuesday's releases. Poit!

RANDOM THOUGHT: The perfect name for a gay Mexican gang? The Gaysadillas.

(gangster), or Fun with Wikipedia

2006-12-07T00:40:00.000-08:00

Seeing as how the internets has been around for a long time now, I'm 100% certain that everyone out there has "Googled" themselves at some point. If the Google picture history of my name is the same as everyone else's out there then I'm sure that the results you've gotten (regardless of your gender) has been a bunch of 50-something white guys who are either professors or composers (like any one of these winners who share my name). Aside from Googling yourselves, you faithful readers out there may have even tried to see what celebrities you may look like at myheritage.com which I wrote about last year. While that's all well and good, I didn't think of looking up my name on Wikipedia until about two weeks ago.

In case you didn't know (and I'm sure many of you might agree), if I was forced at gunpoint to pick only one website to look at for the rest of my life than it would easily be Wikipedia. I seriously spend about 2342% of my internet usage (is that really how you spell "usage" - it's really a word that should only be said - I'm sure it doesn't even look right in sign language) on that website. I'm definitely one of those suckers who clicks on every highlighted word and winds up reading about Montana's State Flower or Domain Theory for no apparent reason. Well, for some reason, it took me a very long time to type in my own name, and since it's obvious that I'm dedicating a post to it, you can imagine that the results were either hilarious or extremely disturbing (or both!).

Out of the three links that work for the name "John Duffy" two of them were/are criminals and the other was a Reverend (and Lord only knows what that guy was up to). In chronological criminal order, the first John Duffy was a Philadelphia (yay!) mobster and hitman who was a member of Chicago's North Side Mob in Chicago in the 1920s who killed his wife (not so much yay) and was murdered in 1924 because his fellow gangsters thought he could prove to be a rat. Ouch.

The second John Duffy is a notorious British rapist (or "raper" as I like to call them) from the 1970s and 80s who was part of a two man rape squad known as the Railway Rapists who got caught and went to prison and eventually ratted out his partner from behind bars during his life sentence. Uh-oh.

In case you haven't noticed by now (and I'm only talking to the blind here since this website is not yet available in Braille) 66.66666667% of the previous famous John Duffys out there are psychopaths, not to mention lousy rat stoolies. As a result, I am now taking it upon myself as my most important mission to become the most famous non-psychotic/non-Reverend, John Duffy on Wikipedia. I'm giving myself two years to become famous enough to make it on my own onto Wikipedia. If that doesn't happen, then I'm looking to you beautiful and nicely proportioned readers of mine out there to pull a Colbert/elephant/Wikipedia stunt to make me the most famous/sane John Duffy on the world wide web. Here's an example of something you could write about on my created Wikipedia entry:

John Duffy (b. June 16, 1981 - d. not quite yet) is so totally not a serial rapist or gangster from Philadelphia who enjoys David brand sunflower seeds (Ranch, BBQ, and Nacho Cheese being his top three choices), throwing things that people ask for from across the room instead of handing it to them, things that are British, and who coined the now famous valediction "goodbydios" (which combines the popular American word "goodbye" with the equally popular Spanish word "adios") in the summer of 2002.

If you guys can make this happen then I will seriously consider not raping you. Goodbydios!

IN OTHER WIKIPEDIA NEWS: I didn't find out until yesterday that Stephen Hawking was British. This may not come as a shock to many of you, but it certainly did to me. For all these years he's been speaking with a computer voice with an American accent. Since he is the second smartest human alive (the first can be seen here), shouldn't he have been able to come up with a British accent for his computer voice? I don't know if I've ever felt so cheated or disgusted. We seriously should start questioning this guy's credibility.

MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE SONG OF THE MOMENT: George Harrison's, "Beware of Darkness." If I got that song pregnant, I would totally do the right thing and marry it.

Better than David Blaines?

2006-11-29T23:53:00.000-08:00

So last Friday, or "Afro-American Friday" as a repentant Michael Richards might call it, I went to my high school's (St. Joseph's Prep) championship American Football game vs. our rival school, LaSalle, which is made up almost entirely of retards. This was my first Prep football game in a few years because they dominate everyone they play and they win the championship pretty much every year. It just stopped being fun for me mainly because I'm not used to anything I'm associated with winning regularly so I only payed attention from afar. For some reason though I really wanted to go this year and even though the Prep lost (thanks to their QB costing them 5 TDs) I had the best time I can remember having at a HS football game since we won the championship my Junior year. Here's a video to help me explain why:

Recently Father William J. Byron, SJ, was named the new President at the Prep. I didn't know this until after I saw him in that very clip on Da Ali G Show, just one week before the championship game. President-Father Byron's appearance on Ali G was a big topic at my cousins house on Thanksgiving where we watched the clip a couple times. On the way to the game last Friday, myself, my brother, father and two uncles talked about it even more, and my one uncle, Uncle Paul (who was elsewhere the day before and didn't see the clip) kept hilariously referring to Ali G as "Borass" (foreshadowing? maybe...) and we all got a good laugh and thought nothing more of it.

Little did I know then that we'd wind up sitting one row behind Father Byron during the game. So, like most immature/giggle-happy twenty-five year-olds, I decided to shout, "Jesus...Christ," just like Father Byron did (which I think is the funniest part of the interview) every time the Prep did something bad, or something didn't go their way. As you could imagine, my brother and I got a lot of mileage out of this joke (and other random quotes from the interview) thanks to it getting funnier every time we said it just within his earshot. As you could also imagine, my father (lowercase "f") did not appreciate the fact that we kept doing it and he probably thought that laughing at a priest (which he did pretty much every time) would delay his entry into Heaven. Thankfully for us, the Prep sucked that night so there were many opportunities and he couldn't really get mad. It would've been wrong for us NOT to do it.

In case you're wondering, I think Father Byron heard us a few times, and I felt kind of bad about it, but not for too long because funny is funny (and yes, I realize this is probably only funny to five year-olds and nervous Catholics, but work with me here). What I didn't find out until the next day was that my Uncle Paul walked up to Father Byron and said this instant classic Jesuit priest ice-breaker:

"So I understand you're in a movie with that Borass guy"

Now that's funny to everyone. Respek.

COMING FRIDAY: Meet John Duffy's evil side.

Dear Jesus, Thank you. Love, John Duffy

2006-11-20T16:04:00.000-08:00

Let me just recap the last 26 hours for the Philadelphia sports fan. More specifically, this Philadelphia sports fan.

Sunday approx. 2pm: Donovan McNabb tears his ACL (or Gay-CL as I will now call it) thus ending the Eagles season and my fantasy football season. Awesome!

Sunday 3:00pm: FOXsports.com reports that the Cubs have all but signed Alfonso Soriano to a 30 year, 900 billion dollar contract, which means that the Phillies lost out on having him bat after and protect Ryan Howard in their lineup. This is just as bad if not worse (to me at least) than McNabb's injury. Now instead of trying to trade for Manny Ramirez, or sign Carlos Lee, Phillies GM Pat Gillick will look to sign one-year-semi-wonder Gary Matthews, Jr., or another 12 Wes Helmseseses. Yay!

Sunday 4:30pm: The Eagles wind up losing 31-13 at home to a rookie QB and I have to deal with the fact that I now have to watch Jeff Garcia (and his 9-step-drops followed by his happy feet scrambling and eventually rolling right to throw a pass out of bounds, or for one yard to Brian Westbrook) play football for the NEXT SIX WEEKS. Sports!

Sunday 4:35pm: I also learn that Brett Favre injured a nerve in his right elbow in his game which means that this will be all ESPN focuses on for the next week. Supa-cool!

Sunday 7:15pm: The Cowboys become the first team to beat the Colts this season. Even better news, the now high school equivalent Philadelphia Eagles play the Colts in Indianapolis on national television next Sunday night. Woohoo!

Monday 2:00am: Right before I go to bed I check my iPod after charging it because it ran out of batteries on my trip to New York this weekend I learn that when iPods run out of batteries you lose your shuffle, thus ending my great experiment at 1401 (Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - Where Have All the Rude Boys Gone?). Goodnight!

Monday 11:15pm: I learn that the NL MVP award will be announced today at 3:00, and I just know that Albert Pujols (of the worst team ever to win a championship in any sport on any level in the history of life) will win it instead of Ryan Howard. Shiny!

Monday 3:07pm: I'm too scared to check to see if Howard won or not, and just when I'm about to I get a phone call and learn that RYAN HOWARD WON THE NATIONAL LEAGUE MVP!!! Forget yesterday! Forget everything! This makes up for it all! RYAN HOWARD!!! I love you, sports! I love you, Jesus!

Monday 3:44pm: While writing this post (after dancing gleefully for up to 12 minutes), I realize that this is the happiest that Philadelphia sports will ever make me because I'm never going see a championship in my lifetime. I become immediately depressed, and have the sudden urge to listen to Cat Power (which I do). Yeah, thanks a lot, Jesus. High five!

Monday 3:49pm: I remember hearing a commercial on the radio yesterday while listening to the Eagles game on the way home that told me to go to this site, and I do and I realize that there's nothing I can do but keep on doing what I'm doing. Please sign the petition. Life is good. I guess!

IN OTHER NEWS: After the Thanksgiving weekend, I plan to start posting regularly on Tuesdays/Wednesdays (either/or) and Fridays. Just so you know.

I Tied with Bart Simpson and School Sucks

2006-11-07T10:29:00.000-08:00

So I voted in someone's garage today. There were bagels and coffee and everything, plus the polling people were all under 80 years old. I'm hating the suburbs and white people more and more each day. You don't even have to put raked leaves into trashbags out here. All you have to do is sweep them to the curb and some magical leaf truck comes and takes care of them for you. I miss the days of not having to rake leaves and voting for people named Chakah in the basement of a rec center.

Anyway, please enjoy this sketch from Flying Circus, which is maybe my most favorite sketch of all time:

I wish I had a nickname like that.

SEPARATED AT BIRTH: Karen O. and Demetri Martin?

This Is Not An Exit

2006-11-03T16:15:00.000-08:00

Since the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode has not yet aired, it's still technically ok for me to give you my Halloween recap from this year. I figured that since every television show in history has had some sort of Halloween episode then it would be fine if I had one too no matter how late. This was the first year (since the 9 year run in the 1990s of me being a werewolf) in many that I actually wanted to dress up for Halloween and go all out. Over the last couple years I either put on an Irish hat and went as "an Irish guy," or put on a yellow STAFF jacket and went as "an Event Staff guy." This year I wanted to do something different for a change - I wanted to wear a suit.

In case you didn't know, I like to wear suits. I love the structure and the feel, and I just feel really comfortable in jackets and ties. In high school for example, I never took off my jacket or tie while I was on school grounds unless I was playing ping pong or some other physical game during lunch. If it was socially acceptable, I'd seriously conisder wearing a suit everyday for no reason at all. Yes, I realize that I could wear a suit everyday if a got a normal job like a business man or a lawyer and that there's nothing socially unacceptable about that, but I don't want to have a job where I need to wear a suit everyday. I'm in a really tough position as you can see. Plus, if you consider the fact that I only have one suit (soon to be two) and that it isn't even mine, then you can see just how rough my life is. I'll give you a moment to feel my pain. Ok, ready?

There was another important factor for my Halloween costume this year. I wanted to be a character that I liked from a television show, movie, or book, that isn't overly popular or well known or instantly recognizable except to the people who are also fans of that specific character. The advantage of this is that it weeds out a whole bunch of people that I don't care about while at the same time forms an instant connection with someone who gets the reference. I also wanted to throw in little details about the character that the fans would appreciate, because I like specific and subtle details. Just so you know, I was also willing to spend no more than twenty dollars on this costume.

The way I saw it, this left me two options for my Halloween costume suit spectacular. The first was that I could buy a skunk tail and wear it and go as a Skunk Person like the guys from Stella (who share my love of suits) seen in video right here:

In keeping with the character, I would've just talked a bunch of know-it-all, goofy nonsense in conversations at the bar (drinking beer) randomly shouting "YAY!," or "Who iiiisss it?," while dancing like an idiot. This I thought was a good idea because I could just basically play my fun and weird side out in public that few rarely get to see. So Saturday afternoon, I went to a local Halloween store where I had the following conversation with a lady who worked there:

Me(while nodding with my hands together in a begging manor): Excuse me, do you have a skunk tail by any chance?
Her (with the stare of death on her face): Um, no.

So that idea was dead.

My second option was to go as Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. Since I don't look much like Christian Bale, but I am white and in my twenties, I decided to go as the book version and not the film version. I pretty much knew all along that this was who I would be because this was the easier of the two options that I came up with on such short notice (plus, I've always wanted to be a yuppy from the Eighties). All I had to do to be Bateman was slick my hair back, buy a fake knife, make up business cards, drink J&B on the rocks, confuse white guys with other white guys while dispensing valuable information about pocket squares, and act like I'm better than everyone else but this time with psychotic undertones. So, while I was at the Halloween store, I picked up a bloody fake knife where the blood moves inside the blade like those pens where the lady undresses if you hold it a certain way, or those freezable ice cups you put upside down in the freezer. After that I went to Staples and bought business cards to take home and print Bateman's information. The total cost of my costume (if you don't include the suit) was about eleven dollars. Perfect.

So, as you can imagine, the night was a total success costume-wise. I went over to meet FART member Mike at his house (who went awesomely as Flavor Flav) and we met up with a bunch of people down at Finnegan's Wake, even though I wanted t ogo to Dorsia. I had a good time bing Bateman even though they didn't have any J&B there for me to drink. The whole night I got to stand around and act like I was better than everyone else (which I do normally anyway) except every now and then I would hand out my business card and randomly stab people repeatedly. The ironic twist of the night was that Patrick Bateman would never hang out with Floavor Flav, and would probably kill him instantly (or not, depending on what you think happens towards the end of the book/film). If I truly wanted to be in character I would've wound up having a threesome while flexing in the mirror to the music of Genesis, and carving up their bodies afterwards. Since I'm such a nice guy though, I only killed a homeless guy and a cab driver and did some coke in the bathroom.

Here are some pictures:

"Because I want to fit in":

Mike's awesome makshift Flav costume:

Me killing Bateman's biggest fan:

BONUS STELLA CLIP: My favorite moment from the series:

The Great iPod Shuffle Experiment: (Oceanic Flight) #815 - Dylan - Like a Rolling Stone. Funny how it works out.

Noooo! Not the seniors!!!

2006-11-01T17:24:00.000-08:00

This is my new favorite political commercial. There just couldn't be a more evil looking housewife out there. Call me a flip-flopper if you must.

I'll be back tomorrow.

JUST SO YOU KNOW: I have no idea who Lois Murphy is running against.

Not So Random Thoughts Vol. III

2006-10-24T18:31:00.000-07:00

A long time ago we used to be friends, but I haven't posted much lately at all. To make up for the lack of kindess and decency (wow, that doesn't look right spelled out, kind of like "practice") not only am I giving you a new lenghty post, but I have also changed the layout of this site as well as Smush Watch - which I should probably be starting up again sometime soon. Probably. Anyway, I brought about this change for two reasons:

Reason The First: I really started to get sick of how the old layout looked - it was too "early-2002ish" for me. With this new design, I am now more "late-2004ish" which is right where I want to be.

Reason The Second: I actually have things I want to write about now so this new design will motivate me to write and you will probably think it's better than it really is because the site looks so much better. It's kind of like watching The Chronicles of Narnia in HD (which I actually did yesterday - trust me, it works). Now, onto the nonsensensical and meaningless.

- Is anyone else as disturbed as I am on how bad that the American flag looks backwards? Now I understand that there are specific reasons why you see soldiers wear the flag backwards, but that should be the only place you see it presented that way, and it still doesn't look right. There is no good reason why flags displayed in the front of houses or buildings, or on cars, or on athletes' uniforms should ever be backwards. It's like when you ask someone the score of a football game, for example, and they say that the Dolphins won, 17 to 24. I know what you're thinking - the Dolphins don't win football games anymore - but still, you get the point. Displaying the flag backwards to me looks as wrong as holding a dog or a cat in front of a mirror (which is why I believe that pets shouldn't have reflections). The idea is still there, but it's insulting. We wouldn't have this problem if we just adopted the greatest flag of all time, like we should after we're done invading Canada. So, in summary, backwards score-giving, dog and cat reflections, and backwards-flag displaying drives me crazy. Keep those in mind the next time I'm around you.

- Speaking of American things that I hate, this new John Mellencamp songs might make me go on a killing spree. If you've watched any of the baseball playoffs, or football games over the past month, then you no doubt have heard his new song, "Our Country." Now I know that making fun of John Mellencamp is worthless because he's John Mellencamp and that should be enough, but if his goal was to write a song about America that could be used as stock music to be played with a video montage featuring footage of the Liberty Bell, jets soaring majestically over landscapes, and grandfathers holding their grandsons (who are holding spraklers) up on their shoulders, before every sporting event for the next fifty years, then he did a bang up job. You know that your career is over when you're forced to write songs about America. The cruel joke there is that it seems like many musicians look forward to get to that point in their careers because it gives them a second wave and rejuvinates them because those songs always do well for some reason. I was thinking about linking you to the lyrics of this song, but that would be a waste of time because you already know them. Even if you haven't heard this song, you know exactly what the lyrics are and what it sounds like because it's so bad and ovbious that it exists in your head already. On our worst day, anyone of us could write that song. It's kind of like any Jet song, Adam Sandler movie, or Mitch Albom book.

- Why is it that everytime parents assume that something bad happened to their children they always think that their kids are lying dead in a ditch somewhere? Do ditches still even exist? I don't think I've ever seen a ditch, but whenever someone's son or daughter gets home later than they said they would, or doesn't call home on time, the first line out of a parent's mouth is always, "I was so worried, I thought you were lying dead in a ditch!" I want to know how this phrase originated because everyone out there has heard it at some point in their lives. Did someone get in a horse and buggy accident years ago, and was injured so bad to a point that he knew he was about to die that he crawled away from the wreckage into a nearby ditch so he could die peacefully without being run over, or eaten by smaller animals? Maybe people think that this is where the mafia dumps their victims perhaps? Could it be that hobos draw unsuspecting children into ditches and challenge them to trivia contests and kill them if they lose or just wound them and leave them lying there if they outsmart them? It's kind of like the chicken and the egg - are you killed in the ditch, or is your dead body just dumped into one? The answer to this question, unfortunately, is in the bottom of a ditch.

- Is anyone else as excited as I am about the recent Wings renaissance? I guess that it techinally started when Tony Shaloub became Monk a few years ago, and it was followed up nicely by Thomas Hayden Church's Oscar nomination for Sideways. Since they weren't the stars though, it wasn't a full on rebirth at that point. All of this changed though in the last two months when the two stars of the show, Tim Daly and Steven Weber triumphantly returned to televison in two shows that are really good, but are in some danger of not staying around too long. Believe it or not, I actually liked Wings, so I want to see this renaissance continue. So, I am begging you to please watch The Nine and Studio 60 (which I didn't like at first but is growing on me), not because they are really good shows (which is true) but because Wings needs to be remembered. If you only have time to watch one of those shows, then may I please suggest that you watch The Nine because it will help out the Party of Five renaissance (Scott Wolf) that was set into motion by Matthew Fox and that pathetic Jennifer Love Hewitt show. I love the mid-90s! If this doesn't work out then I'm going to pitch a new show about competitive street dancing starring David Schamm (also of Wings, pictured below), Staci Keanan, and Darius McCrary. I'd watch that show.

- I'm not going to show you an example because it would be way too scary, but if you get the chance, try to find a picture or video of current day Madonna. Is it just me or does she look like a post-op transexual? The fact that she just adopted an African baby only helps my point because who else could love someone that looks like her?

Oh, right.

- Can someone please explain the success of Gnarls Barkley to me? In my opinion, "Crazy" is the most boring popular song I've heard since "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls, and even they had the whole gay thing as an excuse. Now, it's true that I only know that song and "Gone Daddy Gone," which is just a weak cover of the more biting and twisted Violent Femmes original version. Maybe it's their name that makes them so well received? If that was the case then The Dandy Warhols, or my band, Tron McEnroe would be just as popular. Maybe it's the fact that they dress up in costumes? That can't be it though because I'm mean really, come on. Someone needs to explain this to me before everyone forgets about them.

Clever.

- A couple months ago, I bought the first season of Nip/Tuck on TVD because it was on sale at Best Buy for twenty dollars. Since then, it has become one of my favorite shows of all time, so needless to say I've seen every episode including all of the ones this season. Well, a couple of weeks ago I was getting ready to watch an episode from this season so I decided to read the description that the guide gave (and you all know how much I love the guide) for the episode and I saw that it was the Rosie O'Donnell episode that I heard was coming out. However when I read that she was in the episode, I read her name as Reggie O'Donnell, and then I said later out loud that, "I sure hope Reggie O'Donnell doesn't get naked in this episode." That's right, Rosie O'Donnell is so far from being a woman in my head that I've given her a man's name. I don't know if this is more her problem, or my problem. Just so you know, she actually did a very good job in that episode as well as a second one that was on last week. I wouldn't be surprised if Mr. O'Donnell gets nominated for a guest starring Emmy this year.

- My favorite part about each fall, and especially the even numbered ones, are all of the negative campaign commercials. My favorite one is an anti-Bob Casey ad put out by America's favorite retard, Rick Santorum. Here's a link to a site where you can see this brilliant commercial (if only I could find it on YouTube and embed it here for you...). Hopefully you'll be able to tell why it is my favorite one but in case you can, here's why:

1. Obviously, the voice-over guy, and his complete disbelief of the monster called Bob Casey, Jr..
2. The evil "Halloween"/Micahael Myers music playing in the background.
3. The blurry and smirky Bob Casey picture.
4. The color change of the backgrounds.
5. The lousy quality of the recording of Casey's voice.
6. And, of course, the fact that they keep playing "I would vote yes" over and over again.

Those are six wonderful reasons why this cheaply made commercial is so perfect. It's been a blessing that this commercial is on all the time here in PA because then I get to say "I would vote yes" in my 1920s gangster voice whenever Casey does. Not only do I say it during the commercial, but I say it afterwards for about twenty straight minutes whenever anyone tries to talk to me. It's become my newest catch-phrase, and if Rick Santorum wasn't the dumbest and most pathetic human to ever live then I would have to vote for him simply because of this commercial. Thankfully, though, I'm very mature.

- Miscarriage jokes are never funny (especially to women) no matter how hard or for how long you try. Trust me on this one. That well is dry.

- I am currently in the early stage of what I am calling "John Duffy's Great iPod Shuffle Experiment." Now when I say iPod Shuffle, I don't actually mean the specific "iPod Shuffle" iPod (which is a waste to buy, because all iPods have the shuffle feature), I mean that I've shuffled my 2713 songs and I am going to listen to them straight through. I tried doing this about a two and a half weeks ago and I got up to 464, but lost the order when I injected new songs into it. Since I didn't know you lose your place when you do that I immediatley started again and I am now up to number 382. Up to this point, I've been trying to find interesting shuffle moments, and I've only had two so far.

1. A Be Your Own Pet song was immediately followed by a Sonic Youth song, which was weird because I saw BYOP open for Sonic Youth during the summer.

2. When #227 was winding down, for some reason I started humming the guitar intro to The Beatles', "Octopus's Garden," and when #227 ended, "Octopus's Garden" started playing. I nearly crashed my car when this happened.

3. On the way up to NY last Friday night, Elliot Smith's, "Waltz #2," was playing and it was followed by Elliott Smith's "Baby Britain," which also follow each other on his album, "XO." I only mention this because I always pair these songs together when I think of either one of them, and apparently my iPod does too.

With each post, I'll give you my exciting iPod Shuffle Experiment updates, and we'll see how far I can go. I know you can't wait, but please try to contain yourselves.

- Finally, I recently came across an addictive online game called Line Rider that anyone can play no matter age, sex, or interest level. It's the perfect game for those of you that have to sit in front of a computer all day at work, which is amazing because it's so simple yet awesome. Here's the link to the site, and if you can't figure out how to play it in less than one minute than you should really question all that you think you know about yourself. I've included a very early version of one that I did a few weeks ago below (believe me, I've gotten much better and I only did this one so I could put it to music), and if you want to see ones so good that make you feel both inferior (to the person's skill) and superior (to the person's lack of important skills) then you can look here.

That's all for now. Good talkin' to ya.

COME On!!!

2006-10-13T23:16:00.000-07:00

Don't you go forgetting about me. I'm not dead. Yet. You'll see more from me next week. Here's a random Will Arnett on Conan video. Why? I have no idea.

Tune in next week. I promise that I won't let you down. By "won't let you down" I mean I promise to post. As for the content of those posts, I still could technically let you down. Leave me alone - I'm tired.

There is . . . . . . . . . no question.

2006-08-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

I know this is going to come off as uncharacteristically "bloggy" for me, but for some reason I feel like I need to post about this Tom Cruise situation. For the last hour or so I have been reading reader comments on aol.com about this latest unimportant news story that is sweeping the nation, the world, and (if you're Tom Cruise) many galaxies. Personally, I don't really care that Paramount dropped Cruise because of his offscreen behavior because I have a theory on why they really decided to end their relationship.

Before I get to that though, I'd just like to show you a couple of reader comments from aol.com that I thought you should read. As you can imagine, there are many posts that say Cruise is crazy and should retire, or that he is crazy but he makes enjoyable movies, or that he is crazy but he has a right to be crazy. My favorite argument though is the one that says Cruise is crazy and that Katie should get her baby back vs. the one that says that Cruise is right about everything and that he is a god. That's right people, thanks to blogs and reader comments on forums, America has turned into audience members from daytime talk shows that grab the mic during those segments and start off what they have to say with things like:

"Yeah, I just wanted to say that..."

or

"This is for the the fat guy in the kimono on the far left...what's his name...yeah, you, I'm talking to you...no, why don't you come up here and say that to MY face!"

Isn't democracy awesome? Thanks a lot, Founding Fathers. Anyway, here are the two posts that pretty much sum up this great country of ours:

I did not have a negative opinion of Tom cruise until he got his girlfriend, Katie Holmes pregnant. The baby has been born, but still he has not married her. Now he's taking over the baby, fighting with Katie, and not marrying her.
His very toothy, obnoxious smile is beginning to irritate me..... I was shocked
when he dumped his adoring wife, Nicole Kidman. He really hurt her, embarrassed her, and left her out on a limb. Thankfully she had a real man around to catch her and treat her like a lady( new husband Keith Urban)......
Poor Tom takes himself and his worth as a person and a performer too seriously. He walks on women. He goes after younger women, because a woman his own age could see right through his controlling game. As a performer, he has thrilled and delighted men & women alike. His movies have been entertaining.
My beef with him is the horrible, male-chauvinist-pig way he has-and is treating
Katie Holme. I hope she's smart enough to NOT marry him--and to get her baby back....

vs. this one which was posted two times in a row, I guess for effect:

Tom,
You ROCK! Religion comes in all shapes and sizes! I like your attitude! Whatever religion you follow it must be positive! It must be helping you thru all this CRAP..Paramount..VIA...BLEW IT! You are one of the most talented people on the SCREEN! KEEP GOING! You are #1...Don't let anyone take away your thoughts! Don't let anyone tell you how you should think! Antidepresents SUCK..they mask peoples feelings so they don't even know what is going on before or after! You WERE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! I've worked in Psych! YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! AND AS FAR AS JUMPING ON A COUCH BEING AN INDICATION OF YOUR INSTABILITY! THEY OLD FARTS THAT CRITICIZED THAT ARE TOO DAMN OLD AND TOO DAMN OUT OF SHaPE and TOO JEALOUS...THEY ARE JEALOUS>>>THEY SEE A GOD! AND THEY ARE JEALOUS! YOU ARE THE GOD OF THE SCREEN! YOU CAN ONLY RIDE THIS WAVE FOR SO LONG>>>GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR NEW WIFE! ENJOY IT! GOD BLESS YOU! AND YOUR NEW CHILD! I AGREE WITH ROSIE! YOU ARE HOT! THEY BLEW IT! YOU ARE GOing to BE YOUR OWN Producer! YOU ARE GOING TO OWN THE IDUSTRY! FORGET THEM! JUST LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS! I AM ONE I LOVE You! YOU HAVE GIVEN ME ENDLESS HOURS OF MOVIE PlEASURE AND I've seen EVERY MOVIE YOU EVER MADE! YOU GO BOY! TELL YOUR WIFE TO BE SUPPORTIVE! THAT IS ALL SHE HAS TO DO TO OVERCOME THE STUPIDITY of the SLUR SCANDAL Hollywood idiots! IGNOR THEM! THEY WILL show themselves for what they are IDIOTS! THEY ARE JEALOUS! LIZ

"YOU ARE GOing to BE YOUR OWN Producer!" indeed. The funniest part about these comments, and other ones, is that most of the posters believe that Tom Cruise is actually going to sit down and read what they have to say on some random website while there are approximately fifty billion other sites having the same exact discussion. Tom Cruise probably doesn't even believe in the internets. We live in such a sad and hilarious world and I wouldn't have it any other way.

As for my feelings on this situation, I fall into the "Tom Cruise is crazy but I still enjoy his movies, and like the fact that he is crazy" party. Just think, if Tom Cruise had never gone down the path he has recently, and just stayed a pretty boy who makes movies that everyone likes, we never would have seen what I like to call the Motorized Unicycle (which I would be all over if it actually existed as a vehicle) or The Squirt, or The Closet. The fact that Tom Cruise is crazy, and may or may not have a baby, is not why I believe that Paramount chose to get rid of him and make such a big deal out of it. Here is a list of some movies that Paramount has released in the last year or so:

Barnyard
Nacho Libre
Mission Impossible III
Get Rich or Die Tryin'
Elizabethtown
The Weatherman
Four Brothers
Hustle and Flow
Bad New Bears
War of the Worlds
The Honeymooners
The Longest Yard
Sahara
Coach Carter
Alfie
Team America
Sky Capitain and the World of Tommorow
Against the Ropes
Mean Girls
Paycheck

With the exception of War of the Worlds (hmm, I wonder who was in that), MI: III (which apparently didn't make Paramount any money, but made $133 million) and for some reason The Longest Yard, Paramount hasn't many blockbusters recently. Though they have had films that have done well critically that did well in the box office (Mean Girls), and ones that won them some awards and recognition (Hustle and Flow), and ones that didn't do too well but are still great movies (Team America and The Weatherman), they've also had many lousy movies and flops. This, of course, is all without mentioning their latest movie, World Trade Center, which I believe was the last straw for Paramount. While I haven't seen it (mainly because of the blahness of the title), there are millions of people out there who just aren't ready to see this movie yet and it has shown in the box office. Now I can't call this movie a flop (for a number of reasons, with one being very obvious and wrong) but I believe that Paramount saw the reaction in the amount of money they weren't making to make it up to the public by firing this poor crazy guy who has fallen in popularity over the last couple of years. They saw an opportunity to get back in America's good graces by getting rid of Cruise and that's what they did by making it public. I mean, it's not like it's 2005 when Cruise was his craziest. Paramount semed to be fine with that classic and hilarious summer. As for his relgious beliefs, sure they're crazy, but who is to say that what the Christians, or the 'Lics, or the Jews, or the 'Slims, or the Mormons believe isn't equally as nutty.

So, if this theory of mine makes any sense to you (and I'm not gonna force it on you like a certain other crazy actor) then you can see that while I don't sympathize with Cruise, what Paramount did could be classified in the words of Awesome-O 3000: "lame", or to paraphrase Hasim Rahman's famous quote to Lennox Lewis: "I'm not saying it's gay, I'm just saying it was a gay move."

Wow, I really wrote too much about this.

JUST SO YOU KNOW: I may post tomorrow too.

A Sad, Sad Day

2006-07-31T00:47:00.000-07:00

As if it wasn't bad enough that the Phillies felt they had to trade Bobby Abreu, why may I ask did they have to make things even worse by trading him to the Yankees, and for nothing I might add. This one hurts on so many levels and it might take a little while for me to get over this one. I thought the trade that we made to get Abreu (straight up for Kevin Stocker) was the most one-sided trade of all time, and then this disaster happened today, all so they an save up money to spend on more utility infielders and backup catchers because Pat Gillick doesn't believe in signing (or even trading for) starting pitchers. I'm gonna miss you, Bobby (and, yes, he reads my site frequently so it's OK that I just wrote that). I was having such a good weekend too. Oh well. The good news for all of you out there is that I actually have stuff that I'm going to write this week before I head down the shore on the 5th, so stay tuned.

It's times like these where I turn to my favorite commercial to cheer me up. Please enjoy:

"Just make a phone call, open the door, and the food is gonna be right there." - Bobby Abreu on takeout.

BY THE WAY: Happy 87th, Baby Lentini!

Caaaalifornia Looove

2006-06-21T14:40:00.000-07:00

This is just a post informing you that I will be in San Diego until next Tuesday (June 27th), so don't expect any updates. The NBA Draft is the day after I can get back and I'll be going to it so you can look forward to a post about that. As for the last Talkin' Talkies and the one for this week, there isn't anything good to write about, and the only thing that I really wanted to write about was how it seemed that AWESOME-O 3000 came up with the idea for Adam Sandler's, Click. If you've seen that episode of South Park then you know exactly what I'm talking about. Ok, folks, see ya next week with my thoughts on my trip out west and the NBA Draft. Until then, here's footage of the outro of The Gate by the Sam Roberts Band that I filmed last Thursday night at World Cafe Live.

West Side. West Side.

Happy No Deal (The Baby Files, Volume 6)

2006-06-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

Well here it is, post #100. I know that all of you out there can barely contain yourselves now that we're finally at this milestone. I'd say that I wouldn't have been able to make it this far without you, the fans, but that would be a lie. It's not like I get paid to do this, plus it's not like I have album sales or ratings to go by. So, when you think about it, this is all me, and if you happen to read it, that's fine, and if not, that's fine too. However, since I'm a nice guy, I'll give all you loyal readers out there a reward by unretiring The Baby Files, with a little help from YouTube.

In late April, Baby Lentini moved in for good with us as we prepare to sell our house and move into a new one (which is happening sometime in July). Unfortunately for me, she is always in the house and unfortunately for her (and everyone) she is starting to slip. I won't go into details, it's not anything awful or that we can't deal with, but it can be annoying, and it really shows that humans shouldn't be able to live as long as we do. Anyway, since she moved in, she has fallen in love with NBC's game show, Deal or No Deal. Now, just in case you've never seen this most annoying of all games, you still know how to play it. Everyone does. It's really not that hard to understand. Well, except for good old Baby Lentini.

Her version of how the game is played is something short of retarded. It's easy enough as it is, but she is convinced that each case has the same amount of money in it every time the game is played. I'm not too sure on her details, but apparently to her, the even number cases have all the high amount, while the odds have the low. Also, if you pick an even number in the 20s (20-26) then you have a real good chance of winning. Baby is also convinced that Howie Mandel gives the contest hints my making the sligtest of gestures that she, bt no one else has been able to notice and decipher. She has been this taken by a game show since Millionaire (which is the same thing for all of the other fans of DoND) and she really brightens up when this show comes on. Just so you know, she calls it the Gamble Show (because I guess the title they already have isn't as specific).

Anyway, I recently tried to film her expalining the game to us, with my brother Conor trying to ask her how the game is played. In these two clips that follow, you not only get to see the hilarity that comes with living with her (like made up stories) but you also get to see the awful dowsnisde of what I have to live through everyday (like for instance how she somethimes thinks that my brother and I are girls). It's a win-win situation for everyone but my family. Please enjoy.

Here is the first video (with transcript that you don't have to send away for!) which is basically just us trying to get her thought on how you play the game on film (and just so you know, Conor does understand how to play the game, he isn't retarded):

Conor: Nana. Nana.
Baby Lentini: What? (laughs)
C: How do they play this game?
BL: Is that who? Her?
My Mom: Put your legs down, she can't hear.
John (Me): She can't tell if you're a man or not with your legs in the air.
C: How do they play this game?
BL: But you know what...
Mom: Conor wants to know how the game is played. Tell him how it is played.
JD: HOW DO YOU PLAY THE GAME?! Tell Conor how you play the game.
BL: Oh! His birthday isn't (now?)?
Mom: No, Conor doesn't understand the game.
BL: Happy No Deal!
JD: How do you play the game?
C: HOW?!?! How do you play the game?
BL: I don't know. The very first game they ever had was a girl...a young girl, 20 years old...she was getting ready to be married. She says that everybody stole their money and everything. I don't know, she just...and didn't she win the money! She won the million dollars. She was the number one, first. I have a feeling that the show people helped her on that because she said she had all that money saved and someone took it.
JD: So is Deal or No Deal fixed? Is the game fixed?

It cuts off there. Just so you know, the story about the young girl never happened. In fact, the most that somebody has won on the show I believe is $464,000. Sorry about all the screaming, but it's the only way she can hear us, and she still doesn't most of the time. The second clip consists of Baby talking about who she would take as a guest on the show if she was a contestant (we can only hope!). You should be able to hear this clearly, so there is no transcript:

So, there you go. Number 100 ladies and gents. It's been a wild (and by wild, I mean slow and rarely updated) ride. As of now, The Baby Files are going back into the vault, and may never appear again, like your favorite Disney classic movie on DVD. Thanks for reading, and I'll leave you with a list of questions (with one observation) that Baby asked my parents when they got back from their trip to Rome two weeks ago.

- Was it cold?

- Was it crowded?

- Are the buildings over there very huge?

- They say the Italians talk fast and they walk even faster.

- How's the bacon?

STAY TUNED: We'll be Talkin' Talkies tomorrow.

Talkin' Talkies (6/9/06)

2006-06-09T16:18:00.000-07:00

Welcome to a brand new weekly segment here at Failure's Art called Talkin' Talkies. Basically every Thursday or Friday I will write my reviews of the new movie releases of the week. The catch is that every review I make will be before I actually see the movie. I will determine my thoughts on each film based on what I've seen in the trailer or in commercials and then I will tell you if I think it's worth seeing or not. Also, if you think the title is kinda lame, say in a 1920s reporter's voice and you'll know why I'm going with it. People just don't use the word "talkie" enough to describe movies anymore. It's a real shame, pal. I don't know what I'm gonna do though if they ever release another silent film.

The Omen

What It Is: There should be a horror movie about awful things that happen to people who make horror remakes. I doubt that I'm the only one who is sick of all of these dumb horror movies whether they're remakes of classic horror movies from the 1970s, or from Japan, or sequels. However, these movies seem to have a large audience which is something I just can't understand. I don't think I know anyone who likes to go see these movies, yet I also don't know anyone who watches CSI and it's still the most watched show on television (I can't even begin to tell you how much that angers and confuses me). What fries my beans though is the fact that the only reason that this movie was remade was so they could release it on 6/6/06. Who is going to go out to see this movie when they can just rent the original or watch it on TV. I mean, I like Liev Schreiber a lot, but having him star in the remake of The Omen is like having Rowan Atkinson star in a remake of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad (4 mads) World. Oh wait, they did that too, didn't they?

What I Like: The kid who plays Damien seems to really want to kill his mother (Julia Stiles) which I am all for. Not matricide, mind you, but Stilesicide.

What I Don't: Julia Stiles keeps her horror movie streak alive by appearing in yet another film with Julia Stiles in it. I seriously can't look at her or listen to her speak without wanting to eat my own eyeballs. You really have to hand it to the producers on this one - they knew that there was a chance that this movie wouldn't be scary, so they brought in the safety school equivalent of awful and hideous actresses to play a lead and scare the audience regardless. Well played, The Omen. Well played indeed.

What I Think: Rent the original. If your online rental site of choice happens not to have the original in stock, and if you still want to be scared, then go watch The Prince & Me or Mona Lisa Smile instead. Those two shouldn't let you down.

Will I See It?: Nope.

A Praire Home Companion

What It Is: Robert Altman's movie version of Garrison Keillor's weekly radio show that I think I've probably heard once or twice in its 30+ years on the air. Though this movie probably makes more sense for people who are older than me to enjoy, I have liked the commercials that I've seen for this and also the trailer because it's nice to escape into an old-timey world every now and then.

What I Like: Robert Altman is one of the great directors of all time and I have enjoyed his films in the past, and I especially like the dialouge, and the fact that he always has a cast that knows how to handle his style. For example, I was won over on this talkie when I saw Kevin Kline's character say to a pregnant Maya Rudolph's character: "You might think about cutting down on the deserts, and also possibly sex with men."

What I Don't: Lindsay Lohan is in this movie (which wouldn't bother me that much if it wasn't during her Skeletor days) which sucks only because she now takes herself seriously as an actor because she worked with Robert Altman and Meryl Streep, among others. If that isn't bad enough, she also sings in this movie which can't be good. Fortunately though, the songs seem to be about subjects that don't involve her being annoyed about the paparazzi.

What I Think: I'm actually intrigued about this movie because of the director, the cast, and the overall look of things. The only thing that might hold me back from seeing this is the chance to spite the now "serious" Lohan, much like how I want to see The DaVinci Code (though I haven't read it and never will) just to spite the Catholic Church.

Will I See It?: Possibly.

Cars

What It Is: Pixar's newest awesome looking (graphics-wise) summer blockbuster that will most likely be nominated for Best Animated Feature and next years Oscar's though it actually doesn't look that good. The movie stars Owen Wilson and Paul Newman (he's primarily an actor people!) according to the billboard that I drive by on the NJ Turnpike everytime I drive up to New York, and it will definitely win the box office for a couple of weeks and then hold steady for a while after that. The problem is that I'm just not as excited about seeing this as I was about Finding Nemo and The Incredibles. I'm just not that interested in cars, even if they do talk.

What I Like: This movie will be great for kids and I'm sure that their parents will enjoy parts of it too. The animation also looks as good as ever, but at parts of commercials I've seen the wheels look weird because it looks like they might double as hands at times. Also, is it just me, or shouldn't the eyes of the cars be the headlights and not the windshields? I mean, I know that fish don't have eyebrows, and that toys can't talk, but let's be realistic here.

What I Don't: Cars are good for getting you from one place to another and as serving as a last resort for a bed for those who are recently homeless, or those who are too drunk to drive home. Other than that, I just don't get the appeal of cars, especially on the TV or movie screen, unless of course we're talking about KIT, or Doc Brown's Delorean. Also, it looks like this eventually turns into a NASCAR movie, which I guess makes sense if you're a small car with big dreams, but since I am a human who hates NASCAR, I just can't get too excited about that potential development.

What I Think: Though it doesn't look as good as Pixar's previous work, I'll probably wind up seeing it at some point out of respect to what came before it, which is kind of like what's happening to Pearl Jam right now.

Will I See It?: Probably on DVD.

Finally, each week I will also give you a heads up on what DVDs will be out the following Tuesday (though without reviews cause that will take too long).

Notable Talkies on DVD next Tuesday (6/13): Dave Chappelle's Block Party / Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang / Princess Bride Special Edition

DVD Pick of the Week (6/13): Neil Young: Heart of Gold

TVD Pick of the Week (6/13): Walker, Texas Ranger: Season One (not the best season, but at least they're getting the ball rolling).

Until next Friday.

JUST SO YOU KNOW: My next post is #100. Look for it early next week.

Apocalypse Nowish

2006-06-06T16:58:00.000-07:00

I know that I've been especially bad with posting lately, so I just wanted to come on and mention a few things.

1.) Yes, I am still alive, however, none of us my be later on tonight depending on what you believe. Just so you know, if the apocalypse only directly affects me, I want all of you out there to grieve me for as long as humanly possible. I say this becuase you always here people say that when their mother or father dies that they would have wanted them to show up for work the next day. This is not the case for me. If I die tonight I want the rest of you to take off from work for as long as you want. If you really respect me then you will fulfill my dying wish. Some of you even have my permission to quit and build a statue in my honor. You will however then have to cover up the statue come nightfall every night becuase I am scared to death of statues at night. Please respect my statue wishes.

2.) I just came back from Best Buy where I went to pick up the second season of Rescue Me on TVD. Rescue Me by the way is quickly become one of my favorite shows and it looks like it will soon be joining Arrested Development, Lost, and Big Love at the top of my list even though I just bought season one last week and am still only eleven episodes into the series (also, I don't get FX). It's quite an accomplishment. Anyway, I normally know what I want when I go to Best Buy, but I also like to look over the new releases and then snake through the aisles in the same order every time. I'm weird, get over it. Normally I can dismiss the employees when the come up and ask if I'm looking for anything, by just syaing that I'm looking around or whatever. This didn't really work today because the guy who came up to me apparently was bullet-proof. Here's the conversation that followed:

Best Buy Guy: You looking for anything specific today?
Me: No, just looking around.
BBG: Because a bunch of new releases came out today.
Me (while standing in front of the new releases section): Oh really?
BBG: Yeah, like Firewall, Glory Road, Underworld: Evolution.
Me: Ok.
BBG (enthused): Have you seen Underworld?
Me: Nope.
BBG (extremely enthused, slightly confused): Oh wow, I can't believe you haven't seen it. It's so awesome - it's got vampires and werewolves and stuff. There's so much action.
Me: Yeah, I haven't seen it.
BBG: Did you see the first one?
Me: No, I never did.
BBG (so enthused that he's close to wetting himself): Oh man, well you gotta see it. You should get them both. They're so awesome. But seriously, you need to see the first one before the second one. You can get them both if you want.
Me: We'll see.

I know I'm pale (ok, really pale)but can one really assume that someone else is that interested in vampires? You can go around all day and judge people and make assumptions - which I'm totally cool with - but it's almost impossible to go out that far on a limb and assume that a guy in his 20s who isn't dressed like one of the Goth kids from South Park is that interested in vampires. Just so you know, I do in fact like vampires (but only if Joss Whedon or Bram Stoker are involved and even that has more to do with the writing and not any siginificant love for the undead) and I also like werewolves (considering that from the ages of 10-15 I was one every Halloween), but I have no interest in the Underworlds, and now I'm kinda scared to go back to Best Buy, especially if that guy is working there.

On second thought, I think I probably should see these movies:

3.) I would be very upset if the world did in fact end tonight because then not only will I not be able to get to my 100th post (this is #98) but I won't be able to get to go to what I'm deeming Concert Week next week. If the world makes it past tonight then next week I will get to go see Sonic Youth on Wednesday night, Sam Roberts on Thursday night, and my new love (and we're talking absolutely smitten love here people) Tilly and the Wall next Friday night which is also my birthday (Silver Anniversary). So, Jesus, if you're still reading, please hold off on the apocalypse for a little while longer and I'll build a statue in your honor, but it will only be visible during the day.

OH YEAH: I'm acutally going to try to write a lot now that Conor is back up in New York and my new roommate is 86 years old. So, look forward to more posts soon, and especially look forward to #100 which will be a special surprise for all of you out there in radio land. A blast from the past if you will. More specifically, a retired/dead blast from the past.

Fred's Slacks is a winner!

2006-05-10T11:41:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry to do this to you yet again, but I just can't pass this clip up. What you are about to see is one of the most underrated SNL clips of all time, and also easily one of my top five favorites. I'm showing it to you because it's been so long since I've seen it, and also because I've been trying to find it for years now but have failed everytime until I thought of looking for it on youtube. The sketch is pretty much perfect until Garth Brooks sings at the very end, but lucky for us, Will Ferrell (from the era where I wasn't yet sick of him) more than makes up for it with his classic performance. Enjoy, and please forgive me once again.

My great-great grandfather was Irish too

2006-05-02T14:45:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday my friend (and trusted FART member) Mike brought a news story to my attention that I somehow missed when it happened a month and a half ago. Since I'm normally late on just about everything in my life, I think it makes the most sense for me to present the same story to you right now. It is very possible that you have already seen this, and have known about for so long that it's as old to you as Lazy Sunday was to me after two weeks. Well, if I'm not here to enlighten, then I'm here to annoy, so if you've seen it before then please feel free to go do something important like stalking your favorite celebrity. OMGz - Susie Essman was where?!?!?!?!?

The clip you are about to see explains itself so I won't go on much further except to say that to my knowledge that this is 100% real, and that Mobile, Alabama is in no way pulling off the greatest news story hoax of all time on its local NBC affiliate. See for yourselves:

For more information please visit: wherethegoldat.com

BY THE WAY: I really just posted this so I can hold you over until I actually write a post of significance (meaning it won't be a short link or youtube post, and nothing more) sometime before the week ends. I still have a few in me as it turns out.

So good you won't ever know...

2006-04-24T13:09:00.000-07:00

Here are two video clips that I filmed from the Wilco concert last Friday night in Sayerville, New Jersey. Conor and I were up in the front row on the left side of the stage (which you'll see shortly) which made everything so much better because we didn't have to stand with all the weird New Jersey Freddies in the back. As for the concert itself, if you take our location into consideration, plus the fact that they played for nearly two hours, plus that Conor got Jeff Tweedy's pick, it may very well have been the best concert I've ever attended.

24 seconds of Spiders (Kidsmoke):

46 seconds of At Least That's What You Said:

Not So Random Thoughts Vol. II

2006-04-20T15:39:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't figured it out yet, these posts are about as easy to do as clip show episodes from your favorite mid-90s sitcom. Whenever I can come up with about 10-15 things to say, I'm going to write them down whether they're funny or not. Plus, I just wanted to get these out of the way so I can fully enjoy the Wilco concert in some random New Jersey city tomorrow night.

And we're off...

If you know me, then you know that I love it when I see random people wearing player specific sports jerseys or t-shirts, just so I can say, "hey, there's Chris Webber," when it's actually just some skinny, white 14 year old kid in a Chris Webber jersey. That joke will never get old for me, and if it somehow does, then I might have to kill myself. This thought was brought to you by Pat Burrell.

I have a question for you. Have you ever been sitting at home reading a book, or watching TV when you thought to yourself, "I'm thirsty, I think I'll go get a glass of water?" Of course you have. Now, when you were done pouring that glass of water, have you ever thought to yourself, "this water really needs a slice of lemon." No, of course you haven't. So why, may I ask, do restaurants always insist on putting a lemon slice on the rim of a glass of water whenever I order it when I go out to eat? I want water, not water with an annoying amount of lemon to ruin the experience. You can't give an easier oder in a restaurant then a request for water (and that includes asking for extra napkins). All they need is a working sink and a glass. If I wanted a lemon to ruin my water, I'd ask for it. You think it would be nearly impossible to ruin an order for just water, but every restaurant does it. This has been reason #815 why I hate going out to eat.

Is it just me, or has a new lousy horror movie come out each week for the last 16 months, and then wound up being number one in the box office the following Monday? Are creepy little mutant girls with deep voices, or little Japanese boys who meow like cats really that scary? If I want to be scared I'll go see a Robin Williams movie.

Speaking of movies, I recently saw a preview for Poseidon, and it took me until two days after to remember Kurt Russell's name. I don't know who should feel worse, me or Kurt Russell.

Does anyone else associate letters with certain colors, or is it just me? For example, A = red, B = orange, C = yellow, D = green, E = blue, F = purple, and so on. You know, this might actually reveal a lot about me, and in turn solve all my problems. Or maybe not.

Whatever coolness factor you gain by owning and riding a motorcycle, you lose as soon as you drive side by side with another dude on a motorcycle. Even a motorcycle with an occupied side car is cooler than that.

If you are a girl, and are wearing glitter on your person, and are talking to me all at the same time, then I guarantee you I am not paying attention to what you are saying. I'm easily distracted by shiny things. Now you know.

Why do we as humans automatically dismiss things that we don't like to the birds. How many times have you heard someone say something like, "this movie is for the birds," or, "this automatic transition is for the birds." I don't think it's a very good idea to pass along everything to the birds, because they can be a useful ally sometime in the future. There is no species that we as humans should fear more if they turn on us more than the birds. Think about it. There are birds everywhere and they can all attack us pretty easily whenever they want, in packs or individually. A bird can attack you while you're walking down the street, or driving in your car without any notice. They even have spies in some houses and apartments. We need the birds on our side for our eventual war with the bears. So, I'm begging you to please from now on pass off things you don't like to the bears because they are our true enemy, not the birds.

Just so you all know, FOX's The War At Home, is still on the air and producing new episodes. The only reason that I can come up with is that it's on between The Simpsons and Family Guy. Are you telling me that Arrested Development wouldn't have worked in that time slot. The whole world is hooked on the Family Guy, so they waste a perfectly good chance for the greatest show ever to stay on the air and build an audience to please their fans and critics just so they can give the world another awful Michael Rappaport vehicle. We get it - he's awkward and can't act. Enough already! I hate FOX more and more every day.

Speaking of FOX, can someone please tell them to cut back on the commercials for House? I watched the first few epsidoes last year mainly because I enjoyed Jeeves and Wooster whenever I watched it, and it didn't take very long for me to realize that every single episode is exactly the same. Let me break it down for you:

- A really sick person comes into the hospital.
- House, a genius but jerky doctor, doesn't want to take the case because he hates sick people and being bothered.
- House is pressured by his familiar-faced woman boss to take the case.
- The person is sick with some rare disease that no one's ever heard of.
- House, and his team of lesser doctors try to figure out what disease the person has.
- They all decide on one disease and try to treat it from there.
- Though what they thought was the disease is very rare, the real disease is actually super-rare.
- In order to save the patient, House either has to kill him/her, or blame the patient's spouse/parent for trying to kill said patient.
- House uses some unethical (but right) treatment to cure the patient, and gets yelled at by all the other doctors and his boss.
- In the end it all works out, but some secret super important mystery from House's past is revealed that gives us an idea on why he is the way he is today.
- The credits then run with a preview for next week's episode which is exactly the same as the one you just watched.

These episodes are almost as formulaic as Walker, Texas Ranger, and in the end I'd much rather watch a slightly gay episode of Jeeves and Wooster.

If I was to become a rapper, I'd call myself Playa Piano, and just rap while a player piano played in the background. Hey, if reggaetone works with every beat being EXACTLY THE SAME, then why wouldn't Playa Piano work? I need to follow up on this.

When I first saw an ad for Akeelah and the Bee on the side of a bus a week ago, I thought it was going to be a remake of one of those random African tales that would be featured every now and then on an episode of Wishbone. Now that I know that it's not about that, and that it actually looks pretty good, I want to see it. Also, I'm still waiting patiently for Wishbone to be released on DVD. Aren't you?

Can someone please explain the Pussycat Dolls to me? What's the point of calling yoursleves a band when only one person sings every song and the rest just dance around seductively? Yes, they're hot, I get it, but there's got to be more to it than that. Even Ace of Base would let those two weird Swedish guys rap on a song every now and then (which, if you ask me, was the best part of every song). Someone needs to explain this to me. The should just call themselves, Whatever the Singer's Name Is and the Pussycat Dolls. The singer is clearly the only one with talent, and it's only going to hurt her in the end by carrying around all the dead weight. I've really thought to much about this considering the fact that I obviously hate them and all their songs. In the end, I think I just wanted to find a reason to mention Ace of Base.

Hey, Jon Heder - enjoy being typecast as either a slightly gay retarded guy, or a slightly retarded gay guy for the rest of your career. Gosh!

Reason #2342 why I love Philadelphia: I recently went up to my local coinstar machine at the ACME near my house to change my coins into roughly thirty dollars. When I went to get the money changed to bills at the customer service station I had to wait in line behind a woman in her late 50s. Behind the counter there were two DVDs on display for sale - Brokeback Mountain and Narnia. The lady in line asked the lady behind the counter (who was also in her late 50s) if she could get her "one of those DVDs." Here is the exchange that followed:

Lady Behind Counter: "Which one - the gay one, or the Jesus one?"
Lady in Line: "Ahhhh, the gay one."

I think a great idea for a spinoff on Bravo's, Inside the Actor's Studio, would be Inside the Reenactor's Studio, also hosted by James Lipton. Wouldn't you love to hear Lipton ask questions to a Civil War reenactor (for example) about what it's like to have to keep that specific 1860s facial hair year round, or praise him for the choices he made as a Confederate infantryman during the reenactment of the Battle of Antietam in 1989? Please explain to me how this wouldn't be better than a normal episode featuring Jennifer Lopez or Matthew McConaughey.

Finally, if I was to open a hip-hop themed seafood restuarant, my favorite item on the menu would have to be the fresh and delicious Flipmode Scrod.

And on the 19th day he rose again in fulfillment of the scripture...

2006-04-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

It appears as if I've resurrected, at least for this week anyway. By the way, you wouldn't believe how long it took me to decide if I should've capitalized the "h" in "he" for the title of this post. I think I made the right decision for now. Maybe someday in the future I'll feel more comfortable capitalizing the first letter of pronouns I use to describe myself, but I guess I'm just not there yet. I'll probably have to perform a second miracle before I'm able to get to that level.

Anyway, I just wanted to make two quick post-Easter announcements:

1.) Thanks to my cousins being in Disney World for Easter, my 20+ year run of domination in Easter Egg hunts came to a schreeching pause yesterday. Though my streak is technically still alive (thanks to the fact that I didn't participate in any hunts yesterday), it may be a while before I'm ready to forgive them and move on. Consider yourselves warned.

2.) Yesterday was one of the few days in my life that I wished I lived in Denver, and that's only because I think it would've been cool to celebrate Easter at Casa Bonita.

Casa Bonita! Casa Bonita! Awesome!

Expect more from me later this week. Seriously.

Kenny Lofton Visits

2006-03-29T16:56:00.000-08:00

My absolute favorite thing about television nowadays is how most cable systems or dishes have the guide feature where you can just hit a button and see what's on TV that day, and more specifically the title of each show plus some information on the episode itself. It's almost hard to imagine television without the guide feature, and I really wonder how I ever lived without it. The same is true with cell phones (though I hate using mine) and how I feel that if I ever leave the house without one then I'll get lost or die, when humanity has survived without them for thousands of years. It's amazing how fast conveniences turn into necessities. We are a weak, weak society.

Anyway, I was scrolling through my guide yesterday and I came to BET (Bulgarian Entertainment Television) and saw that an episode of the Wayans Brothers was already in progress. Not only do I really like the Wayans Brothers show, but I also believe that it is one of the most underrated shows of the 1990s, so I wanted to watch it because I've never seen an episode I didn't enjoy (and yes I realize that Shawn Wayans is one of the worst actors of all time). Since I was late in starting the episode I hit the information button to see what the show was about and that's when I saw the three best words that I've ever see used to describe an episode - Kenny Lofton visits.

I'm assuming that most of you know who Kenny Lofton is, and if you don't then you can read about him here. All you really need to know is that Kenny Lofton was the epitome of a cool baseball player in the 90s (kinda like Rickey Henderson in the 80s, but less jerky) due to his speed and highlight reel catches in centerfield. Lofton was an all star player (six times) and a top of the line defensive player in his prime, but he was never really a guy that would go down as one of the best ever. Since the 90s ended though he has gotten older, and less spectacular though he still has put up pretty good numbers when used on a limited basis (see Phillies 2005). He was pretty much an above average major leaguer, who at best could be voted into the Hall of Fame by the veterans committee many years down the road (though that may even be a stretch).

What made the epsidoe so funny was the fact that the Wayans Brothers treated him like he was the Willie Mays of the 90s. Now I realize that praising Kenny Lofton was probably the only way they could get him to do the show, but they still went a little overboard in how they did it. In the two-thirds of the episode that I saw they referred to Kenny Lofton as a Hall of Famer at least four times. Four times! Kenny Lofton was a good player, but not that good. What made this even funnier was the fact that Lofton was actually on the screen for a total of roughly three minutes (of about the 15 minutes of actual show time that I watched). The whole epsiode was pretty much an elongated version of the famous Bill Brasky SNL sketch, with Kenny Lofton as Brasky.

After the episode ended I watched all they way thorugh the credits to see what year it was from, and it turned out to be 1997. It's amazing how far Kenny Lofton has fallen in those ten years. Now he's just an old, platoon outfielder for the Los Angeles Dodgers (who was just a slightly better actor than Shawn Wayans) who has made a nice career for himself playing a game that he loves (which in the end is all that really matters). Who knows, maybe after his career ends, he can team up with Shawn and Marlon once again and they can make Scary Movie 9 or White Chicks 2: Kenny Lofton Investigates!

While Lofton's post-baseball future remains uncertain, what is certain is the fact that I love the guide feature on my television. Without it I probably would've just watched another episode of Boy Meets World where Shawn explains how he's different from Cory with yet another trailor park analogy. In fact if I had to choose, I'd probably pick the guide over the cell phone if I had to get rid of one of them for some odd reason. That's where I am in my life.

Aren't you jealous?

ONE MORE THING: Happy Belated Ryan Howard Day!

Not So Random Thoughts Vol. I

2006-03-23T17:14:00.000-08:00

Stop the presses folks. It looks like I'm keeping a soft promise. This is a historic day for all of us here at FA and I'm happy we get to share it with you. As for this post, it's just gonna be a bunch of short thoughts that aren't worthy of a longer entry. In other words, it's the perfect way for me to say as much as possible while also being as lazy as possible. This might just be the start of a long friendship.

- I only just recently found out that I've been spelling "impostor" wrong my whole life, which makes me a spelling impostor.

- Ask any of my college roommates, or my brother, and they would tell you that I said they should've killed off Tony Soprano at the end of season four. So, they come about as close as possible to doing that so far and what happens? Well, in my opinion, the second episode of the season was the best one that I can remember in a long, long time and it looks like the third episode might be even better. What happened at the end of the first episode saved the seires.

- In related news: Sal Paolantonio - Gay?

- Does any name sound weirder if you drop the "ie" at the end of the name than Scott Pippen?

- I'm sure you know this, but Donald Trump has named his brand new, state-of-the-art, number one in the ratings baby son, Barron. My question is, are you sure that Donald Trump was the one who named this baby? The Donald Trump I know would have named his baby, Trump Trump, instead of Barron Trump. I think Donald Trump is really dead and some lookalike has taken his place. Remember, this is the guy who named water after himself. Something fishy is going on here. I'm gonna have to start playing the most recent Apprentice episodes backwards to look for clues.

- Is there something wrong with me because I kind of want to see that Stay Alive movie?

- The only reason that I would ever become a doctor would be for the white doctor jackets with the pocket cut-outs that go directly through to your pants' pockets. I call them "dockets."

- By the way, since I met Kyle Korver the Sixers are on a one game winning streak, and the man himself scored 23 points while going 6-7 from three point range. What's up, Kyle.

- I gave up eating meat on Fridays for Lent. Yes, I realize that you're not supposed to eat meat on Firdays during Lent in the first place. I'll have you know that I've always ignored that rule. So, technically I'm giving up ignoring Lent's biggest rule for Lent. I guess I'm still one in the hole.

- The lameness of the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and Jay Leno in general, can all be summed up by his outro music. Well, there's that and the fact that he only wears jean shirts and jeans when he's not on the air.

- Has there ever been a good movie that has used that "Taking Care of Business" song, or the song where that guy screams, "Hey! Hey! Hey! HEY!" in the trailer, or TV commercials?

- Speaking of that, for the new Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, is he supposed a cable guy or a health inspector? Maybe he's both a cable guy AND a health inspector. Am I the only one confused by this? I bet you a billion dollars that this trash makes at least twice as much money as Serenity made in the box office. I hate America by the way.

- One of the best things about dogs is that they believe in magic. Illusions, Michael. Illusions.

- It's nice to see that Queen Latifah is playing herself in the upcoming Ice Age 2: The Meltdown movie.

- The number one, non-testicle related injury that I fear most would have to be a paper cut on the eyeball.

- Why is it good luck if a bird poops on you, and not good luck when a bird poops on your car? Cars move a lot faster than humans. Also, I wish my wiper fluid thingy wasn't broken.

- Speaking of question marks, why doesn't English adopt the Spanish upside down question mark, or exclamation point at the beginning of the written sentence? Do you know how much easier reading would be if we did this? I think it would be awesome! Just think if I was able to do it for those last three sentences. You wouldn't be nearly as confused as you are now.

- If I could murder one smile, it would be this guy's:

- The only thing that's more contagious than yawning is AIDS, and I could even debate that if I had to.

- If Amanda Bynes looks like a boy, then I'm sober. So who else gets that reference?

- Whatever momentum or credibility Saturday Night Live gained earlier this season, it lost as soon as Maya Rudolph came back.

- Since Carson Daly moved his show to LA it has actually become kinda good. Now it's still not great in any sense, but he's moving in the right direction. I still don't like the guy, but the show is improving. Before you jump all over me, let me remind you that it was Jim Magee who once said, "I feel honored that Carson Daly is a part of my generation."

- So I watched my first episode of Criss Angel: Mindfreak about a month ago on A&E (listen to the song when his webpage loads, it's almost T.O. good). In the episode, he drove Mandy Moore's car (with her in the passanger seat) while blindfolded through a busy LA neighborhood. Not only was the show amazing, but they also randomly interview magic experts, and one of the guys said the following on Criss Angel, "he definitely has powers, but I don't think he has psychic powers." I wish I had my high school senior quotes back. I think I might get this DVD by the way. This guy is off-the-charts unintentionally hilarious.

- I used the contaction "not've" for "not have" the other day in an AIM conversation. I'm changing the way we write English one day at a time.

- I've learned two very important things from watching the commercials during the NCAA Tournament this past week, and the Winter Olympics last month. Here they are:

1.) NCAA Tourney - The correct way to pronounce the word "realtor" is "real-TOR."
2.) Winter Olympics - All Olympians work at the Home Depot.

- Finally, and I know it's been said elsewhere, but why did Edgar Stiles get the silent clock when he died at the end of 24 two weeks ago, but Tony Almeida not get one when he died at the end of last week's episode? Edgar was a big, fat, lispy waste of everyone's time. The only thing that ever happened to him on the show was when his mother died. Meanwhile, Tony Almeida is arguably tougher than Jack Bauer. Did Jack ever get shot in the ear on the job, and then be back in action not two and a half hours later? Tony also got blown up in the first episode of this season, in the same explosion that killed his wife, and was back and ready to go in half a day. Tony was also the closest thing that Jack had to a best friend, plus he's been on the show from the beginning. All Edgar ever did was act stupid and get on everyone's nerves while wearing some ugly flannel shirt. If you're gonna start throwing silent clocks around, 24, please give it to characters who deserve them like President Serrano, or Tony Almeida. Even Sean Astin's character deserved a silent clock before Edgar. I better stop now. It's just that I really hate Edgar, and I could not've been happier when he died. I'm sorry if I've scared you.

Edgar doesn't even fit in the frame:

- That's all I got.

What's up, Kyle?

2006-03-21T19:14:00.000-08:00

I originally had a pretty big post planned for today, that I've been writing in my head for a couple of weeks now. Basically it was just going to be me talking about a bunch of random things that are going on in the world and they were just gonna be a bunch of short blurbs. I've been waiting for today to come along so I could write them all down for three (no more, no less) reasons.

Reason The First - I don't know how much longer I can go on keeping these thoughts in my head without forgetting them so I wanted to get them down as soon as possible.

Reason The Second - The last time I posted (last Tuesday) my team, The Fred Carter All Stars, won the weekly trivia challenge at the Lucky Dog Saloon (or The Dogg), so I was hoping that by posting again today our luck would hold steady and we'd win again tonight.

Reason The Third - Today is one of those special Tuesdays where at least three things that I want to buy are released. I call a day like this Perfect Storm Tuesday, and today was one of the best ones in recent memory with the release of Josh Rouse's Subtitulo, South Park Season 7 on DVD, and the long awaited PS2 game, The Godfather.

So, I went to my local music store and picked up the Josh Rouse cd, and I began my drive up to Best Buy while trying to remember all the things I wanted to write down when I got home. Since I knew what I wanted, and I knew that they would be in stock, this was going to be a rare John-Duffy-in-and-out-trip to Best Buy, unlike the normal John-Duffy-I-can-never-decide-what-I-want-and-wind-up-staring-blankly-at
-DVDs-for-up-to-an-hour-and-leave-with-notihng-trip. This notion put me in an even better mood because with the soon to be completed Perfect Storm, plus the fact that we try to defend our trivia title tonight, plus the fact that I was finally going to post in just a short while I was feeling just like Monty Burns before he got shot. Then, while I was just about ready to walk into the store, something happened that was about to make all of these positives seem, well, a lot less positive but still pretty good.

I was almost at the automatic entrance doors of Best Buy, when who comes out of the exit doors but none other than Philadelphia 76ers forward, Kyle Korver. Now just so you know the history of my Best Buy, this is not the first celebrity that I have seen leaving the store while I was entering. In fact, this is the fifth time that it has happened to me, though with just two people. On two separate occasions I have seen Philadelphia Daily News columnist, Rich Hoffman, leaving the store, while I have also seen Philadelphia 76ers guard/forward, John Salmons, leaving also on two separate occasions. It's pretty weird to think that I've seen those two leaving the store twice each, to go along with the newest addition of Kyle Korver. My question is, why can't I ever see them when they are actually in the store?

Anyway, unlike Hoffman and Salmons, Kyle Korver is my favorite NBA player not named Allen Iverson or Smush Parker, so this encounter actually meant something to me because I've been a fan of his since he was a senior at Creighton, which was my senior year at Fordham (side note - when he was drafted by the Sixers I wanted to start a fan club called the Kyle Korver Klan, but I figured that it wouldn't go over that well so I scrapped that idea). It meant so much in fact that I instantly became retarded when I saw him, though I would make up for it just seconds later. Here's a breakdown of what happened:

1.) I see a tall, but normal looking white guy leaving Best Buy.
2.) This guy had a familiar face, and it feels like I know him because he was kind of dressed like I was (semi-winter jacket, shirt, pants, knit hat) and was my age.
3.) After what felt like an eternity, I realized that it was Kyle Korver.
4.) Once I realized this I gave quite possibly the creepiest smile in the history of humanity.
5.) Kyle Korver sees me staring at him with this smile and says, "what's up, man."
6.) I realize that I need to get rid of this smile and act cool, so I replied, "what's up, Kyle," while giving him the left handed gun point (reenacted here), and kept walking into the store like nothing just happened and like I've known him my entire life.
7.) I step foot in the store and start laughing, which lasted for about five minutes.
8.) Unfortunately, at this point I realized that I could've gotten my picture taken with him and then we could've talked about Jesuit basketball, and what he bought, and stuff like that which would lead to me being his BFF, or at least his personal assistant or something. It was definitely an, "I've made a huge mistake" moment.
9.) Right after that though I figured that maybe Korver thought I was a pretty cool guy for not bothering him and treating him like just a normal guy, which I'm actually happy with considering how far I came from the creepy smile to kind of cool guy in such a short period of time. You really had to see this smile, folks. Really.

So there it is. After that I went in and successfully purchased what I set out for, and the day became so much better. It was so good that it bumped my original post out of the way (if you couldn't tell already) because it just would've been too much writing on my part, and you all know how I feel about actually doing stuff. Look for that post tomorrow or Thursday, and if you have time, please visit TerrellOwens.com and listen to the rap song that comes on when the page loads (thanks to FART member Tom for that link).

Until then.

Duffy vs. Schilling

2006-03-14T20:00:00.000-08:00

Ever since the early 1990s I have been a Curt Schilling fan. If it wasn't for Schilling and his playoff heroics, 1993 would've been just another year for me and the Phillies. When he was traded to Arizona, I was still a fan (even though the Phillies got robbed in that trade) and I was happy that he won the World Series over the Yankees (which made it even sweeter). After the 2003 season, Schilling almost became a Phillie again, but the Red Sox swooped in and offered the Diamondbacks a better deal, so he was traded to Boston. Even though he wasn't headed back here, I was still happy that he was at least going to the Red Sox and we all know how that turned out. So, as you can see, my relationship with Schilling was a great one and even though it seems like he never shuts up, I was still a fan.

Well, all of that changed on Sunday when I read about how he drilled Pittsburgh Pirates outfielder, Chris Duffy (no relation, unfortunately, though he was on my fantasy team last year), in the head with a fastball. Actually, that isn't really the truth. I don't have a problem that he hit someone with my last name in the head with a fastball because it wasn't intentional and that kind of stuff happens when you're trying to establish the inside half of the plate. My problem is what Schilling said after the game about hitting Duffy (and just so things are clearer, Schilling is working on throwing more inside this Spring, which is something he's never really done before in his career). Here are quotes from Curt Schilling, and his catcher at the time, Josh Bard (full article here):

Schilling: "The bottom line is that ball should not have hit him. You got to be able to get out of the way of that pitch. The ball that I threw in before that, I jammed him with. I had thrown him a couple balls in the first at-bat, so he was conscious then, but not tentative, not worried in. There's a big difference. I said the same thing to Josh, there's just no way they shouldn't be able to get out of the way of that pitch. So obviously it's something I have to continue to work on."

Josh Bard: "Sometimes you're going to hit guys and that's part of the game and there's no intention. The thing that stinks is the one that hit Duffy really wasn't that far inside. He threw a lot more pitches that were more inside than that. It was just kind of up in the zone."

What bothers me is that both Schilling and Bard believe that Duffy should have been able to get out of the way of a 90+ MPH fastball coming towards his head. If a pitch hits someone in the head, then obviously it was hard for the batter to get out of the way. I mean, it's not like it was headed towards his feet. I know it was a mistake that, but you can never blame the batter for getting hit in the head, especially when it's Spring Training (when the games count for nothing), and it could potentially kill him. Who knows, maybe Chris Duffy wanted to die. From the way Schilling and Bard reacted it sounded like he at least wanted a concussion (which is what happened).

So, like the Duffy that he is, Chris took exception to what Schilling said once he was informed of the comments that were made. This is where the story gets awesome. While I was reading this article from the Pirates webpage, I realized that I don't think I've ever been as proud to read the name "Duffy" in print (whether it was my actual name or not) before in my lifetime. Just in case you're afraid of clicking links, here's what Duffy said (in three parts, followed by my reaction):

PART ONE

Chris Duffy: "I didn't believe Schilling said it at first. My dad called me and told me what he said. I didn't know how credible my dad's source was. Then I read it and was kind of like, 'What's up?'"

John Duffy: "As you can see here, it's obvious that Chris Duffy is a cool guy. First of all, it appears that he has a nice relationship with his dad that involves frequent phone calls, which I like. Second of all, he questioned his dad's source, which shows that he just wasn't going to fly off the handle and say something stupid until he read it himself. Third, he wound up reading it (I've yet to meet an illiterate Duffy) and then gave a classic reaction that any 25 year old would give."

PART TWO

Chris Duffy: "In that situation we've got to man up and say you are wrong when you are wrong. I saw the tape [and] there was no way I could have moved out of the way. For him to just blow it off, that's not great sportsmanship. There is a certain way to handle things. That wasn't it."

John Duffy: "Chris Duffy's stock just keeps going up in my book. Not only did he call out Curt Schilling's lack of sportsmanship, but he told him to 'man up,' all while putting the incident (or is it a fiasco?) into perspective. How can you not love that?"

PART THREE

Chris Duffy (this quote can be found here): ""I didn't see that I could have gotten out of the way. I understand it's part of the game -- trying to establish the inside part of the plate -- but it's a Spring Training game. For as long as he's been around, he should understand there are certain things you don't say. If you want to get a point across [by pitching inside], you should have enough control not to hit somebody in the head. I heard he hit a Minor League kid in the head a few days ago. Maybe it was the Minor League kid's fault he got hit, you know? Sometimes you just have to take responsibility for your own actions and go about it in a classy way. I felt he didn't do it that way. But no hard feelings. It's part of the game, and I know he didn't hit me on purpose. But what he said, to me, it just wasn't right." ."

John Duffy: "Wow."

Just in case you couldn't tell, Chris Duffy is now my favorite player. I've never before seen a Duffy who came on the the scene so suddenly, earn his wings so fast. Little 25 year old Chris Duffy went up against two-time World Series champion, and eternal Boston Sports Hero, Curt Schilling, and completely blew him out in a way that can be described as, "most respectful." So, you may ask, "well how did Schilling respond to Duffy's response?" Good question. Here's the answer:

Curt Schilling: "I'm not going to elaborate on it, because [the media] won't be able to translate it. I'm not going to elaborate on it, because it's not going to come out right. I can understand how he could take that to be what I didn't want it to be. I'll handle it."

Asked if he would give Duffy a phone call, Schilling quipped: "I already gave him a ring."

Final Result: Duffy 1 / Schilling 0.

Moral of the story: Don't mess with the Duffy's. Now you know.

ONE MORE THING: The name of the hospital they took Chris Duffy to after he got hit is Manatee Memorial Hospital. My question is was the hospital named after manatees because it's in Florida, or was there a specific beloved manatee that died in or around the hospital so that they felt like they had to change the name to honor it after its death?

LITLE KNOWN FACT: In fourth grade I wrote a 15 page paper on manatees.

Happiness is a Warm Hot Dog Gun

2006-02-24T16:15:00.000-08:00

I have to admit that one of my favorite sports entertainment trends over the last few years has been the Hot Dog Gun. For those who don't know, the Hot Dug Gun is a large instrument in which you can load up hot dogs and then a mascot comes out and shoots the gun into the crowd in between innings at a baseball game or during time out of a basketball game. The very first time I saw this gun was at a Phillies game at the Vet a few years ago when the Phanatic came out to entertain like he normally does. Right then and there I knew that this gun would change the face of mascot entertainment for decades to come. Since that first encounter I have seen the hot dog gun at pretty much every major sporting event I attended, including one hilarious time in Pittsburgh at a Pirates game where they would send members of the entertainment crew into the crowd to scream out thing like "who wants a hot dog," while dancing in the aisles (pictured below).

I've never seen anyone (the bald guy) get so excited for hot dogs.

Last year the hot dog gun reached a new level when I saw it at a St. Joseph's basketball game in their tiny gym on campus where this seemingly harmless gun was almost transformed into a weapon if it had worked properly. Luckily for myself and those in attendance, the gun wasn't working right that night and they couldn't get any distance on the shots so the pig mascot had to resort to throwing the hot dogs into the crowd. Well, I attended the St. Joe's vs. Fordham two nights ago, and the hot dog gun was back and it was working better than I had ever seen it before. This is just an educated guess, but by my estimation, the gun was able to shoot the hot dogs out at least 80 mph, which is fine if you're at a baseball game and want to feed fans in the upper deck. The Alumni Memorial Fieldhouse seats just over 3,000 people, and I would be shocked to learn if everyone there made it out alive after this Hot Dog Gun Fiasco.

What you are about to see is graphic footage taken by my new digital camera from the night in question. While it may not seem like it, the hot dog that you see flying over the camera was actually just a few feet over my head. I feared for my life the other night (which should never happen at a basketball game unless it's in Detroit), and I was lucky to get out alive, unlike the poor unfortunate soul directly a few rows behind me who was put in the hospital and later died. The autopsy will only prove what we all know to be true: it was Death by Hot Dog.

WARNING: If there are small children in the room, please turn them away from the computer screen. This isn't pretty (much like the look of sheer terror on that poor girl's face).

JUST SO YOU KNOW: No one was killed (though the pig WAS brought in for questioning), I just wanted to see if I could successfully link a video I filmed up on this site.

It tastes like urination

2006-02-14T16:45:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while a random article falls randomly out of the sky onto my lap that I never could've dreamed of though, in reality, it's probably just funny to me and a few others. Well, today such an article was brought to my attention by my friend, Mike (who has now been promoted to the Failure's Art Reporting Team, or FART - but only because NAMBLA was taken) who suggested that it could be the subject of a post.

The article is Delonte West's idea of a perfect romantic evening, as told to Louise K. Cornetta on ESPN.com's Page 2. For those who don't know, Delonte West is in his second NBA season and plays for the Boston Celtics, after playing at St. Joseph's University for three years (most notably his Junior year on the team that made it all the way to the Elite Eight after a perfect regular season). West has been playing well as of late and it looks like he has a promising career ahead (I always thought that he'd be a better NBA player than Jameer Nelson), and now that he's having a healthy season it looks like I might not be too far off on my prediction. Certainly, a romantic article like this one out today will help Delonte get more recognition, and even though we're all laughing at him, it's still better than the time in college where he attacked his athletic trainer, and, of course, the whole Herpes thing (which he should preface every romantic date with, but maybe all those NBA groupies are turned on by the fact that they get a souvenir, or maybe all their other STDs cancel each other out).

Herpes?:

Before I leave, here are my three favorite quotes from the article:

1.) On setting the mood: "...from there, wind blowing through the hair, boom, we get straight to the point -- we eat afterwards because I don't want to kiss no onions. I don't want to kiss you tasting like onions and steak and mushrooms and everything."

2.) Dinner Time: "When we're on the yacht eating, we're going to have some Popeyes chicken. That's for dinner. It's to let her know, put a mental image on her mind, first and foremost, if you ain't from the hood, you don't like Popeyes chicken."

3.) Wetting the Whistle: "Pop some bottles, some Moet Rose. The red Moet, we ain't popping no Kristal, it tastes like urination. We ain't popping no Kris, that's $500 a bottle. It ain't that serious. It ain't going to get you drunk."

That's all for now. Look for a Winter Olympics post either tomorrow or Thursday, and root for the pointer in tonight's thrilling conclusion of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.

Happy Valentine's Day:

ONE MORE THING: Why, in God's name, does a 78 year old man need to go hunting?

I Can't Stop This Feeling

2006-02-05T13:41:00.000-08:00

I'm not quite sure how I missed this, but thanks to this week's episode of The Soup (on E!) I saw the greatest video to hit the internet since Lazy Sunday (which I had up the Sunday after it aired, thankyouverymuch). Ladies and gentltmen, I present to you David Hasselhoff's Hooked on a Feeling. Even if you've already seen it, please watch it again because it really doesn't get any better.

Also, in case you were wondering, I will be rooting for the Seahawks to win tonight, which is hard for me because I really really like the city of Pittsburgh, as well as many of the players (they were my fantasy defense this year). The main reason though that I want Seattle to win is because I hate a certain "journalist" and "ESPN personality," Skip Bayless, who has been bashing Seattle all week. Going into this week I didn't care much for the Seahawks at all, which is a lie because in reality, I never even think about the Seahawks (unless of course Shaun Alexander is racking up cheap touchdowns vs. me in my fantasy league). To go along with that, I kind of like the Steelers (though not nearly as much as I like their city or the Pirates) and wouldn't really mind seeing Bill Cowher and their 600lb running back win the Super Bowl.

However, when you take in consideration that the Steelers already have a bunch of Super Bowl wins, and the fact that the city of Seattle has never won a championship in any major sport, my loyalties shift to the Seahawks because I want one less city that crying about the fact that they've never won anything just so it makes it that much better when some Philadelphia team (please not the Flyers - well at least not the Flyers first) actually wins something. So basically I want Philadelphia to be the best at losing, and even if the Seahwaks lose, they have no right to cry because they only have three pro teams (and the Sonics right now are real close to not counting), not FOUR. So, go Seahawks! Win it for Martin Crane!

Plus, I just HATE Skip Bayless that much.

ONE MORE THING: Yes, I realize that I've now referenced the E! channel in some way in my last three posts. If we get to four straight then I might have to shut down this site.

ONE MORE THING ABOUT WILLIAM HURT: After watching Crash last night for the first time, there is ZERO doubt in my mind that Ludacris should not only have been nominated for Best Supporting Actor, but also win this award. Seriously, laugh if you want, but he was amazing.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to leave for Astoria.

Method Acting

2006-02-02T18:17:00.000-08:00

Well, I know this was reported on many other websites yesterday, but for those of you who didn't happen to see it, Stephanie Tanner finally admitted that she had a meth problem. Now I'm sure this news hit my cousins' house real hard, but if you ask me, it really explains a lot. If you study her behavior over the years then you will see that there were many signs that she was using. Here are some great examples after her mug shot:

1.) She was the middle child. If televison has taught me anything it's that the middle child (whether it's of 3, 5, or 7) is always a huge loser. Stephanie knew this and while she tried hard to fight past this cold hard fact, she eventually gave in and turned to drugs.

2.) Her only firends were Uncle Joey and that Teddy Bear with the trenchcoat. She must've known she was in trouble when she realized that her two best friends in the world were a live-in uncle with a mullet who was constantly making "wood" jokes and thought he was 8 years old, and a lifeless Teddy Bear with a great eye for fashion. I don't see how anyone could not turn to meth in this case.

3.) She didn't know how to perform simple household tasks. I think we all remember the time she borrowed DJ's purple sweater with the buttons accross the top (the one thing she owned without shoulderpads, no less), stained it with mustard, and then tried to get the stain out in the wash but shrunk it instead. As a result, DJ was once again disappointed in her little sister, while Michelle won out in the end because the sweater was now her size. Nothing could go right for Stephanie, except of course, all those drug purchases.

4.) She wanted to change her name. Who could forget the time where Stephanie wanted to change her name to Dawn? While she gave other reasons for wanting the change, we all could tell that it was because she wanted to distance herself as far away from her old persona as possible because she was upset with the drug addict she had become, while at the same time knew she didn't want to stop anytime soon. This is yet another classic sign, plus Danny refused to let her go through with this which was another example of Middle Child Abuse, which no doubt led to even more usage.

5.) She had to share a room with her baby sister. After years of suffering through getting no respect as DJ's roommate things were starting to look good for her when DJ moved out of the room. Unfortunately, Michelle came in as fast as DJ left, and now Stephanie had to deal with her little sister who was clearly more talented and much cuter than she was right while she was going through her awkard years. It's almost as if she was demoted. Where would you turn if this happened to you? I'll tell you where - methamphetamine. I'd be right there with her with Michelle constanly playing the Echo Game and that Raffi tape.

6.) She didn't know how to drive a car. I know you all remember how Stephanie was so far gone that she crashed Uncle Joey's brand new red car through the kitchen. It was bad enough that she caused thousands of dollars of damage to her own house, but if you're gonna drive through your house at least do it head first, not in reverse. So, how did she deal with this? She ran away from home and lived on the street for a few days before resurfacing at Rebecca's house before attempting to flee to Mexico. If this isn't a cry for help than I don't know what is.

7.) She joined a dance posse. If I know one thing, it's that meth addicts love to dance. Once Stephanie found out that she was good at dancing, she danced all day and rose to the ranks as the leader of her local posse. Before she could take her people to the streets and shout, "it's on," her mood swings hit her hard once she wore out her Motown Philly tape and she went on the downward spiral. The same thing heppened to Jesse Spano when she took up dancing, and I think we all remember what happened there. Poor Stephanie had no friend like Zack Morris to set her back on the right path and help her get clean.

8.) Steph kind of rhymes with meth. I'm not going into detail on this one, though I probably should've been calling her "Stephamphetamine" this whole post. Oh well.

Those were just a few examples (and believe me when I say that there are many more) of how such a normal child could go off the deep end. If you are a parent (or someday hope to become a parent) take notice of these eight warning signs for your children. Hopefully Stephanie's tragic childhood can help prevent thousands of other talentless middle children to stay away from drugs and end on a positive note, just like every single episode of Full House. Don't wait until it's too late!

You're Hurtin' Me

2006-01-31T15:18:00.000-08:00

Ok, I don't normally let stuff like this bother me but . . . oh, wait, yes I do normally let this stuff bother me, and I have for years. In case you couldn't tell from the lame title of this post, I'm outraged that William Hurt (of A History of Violence) was nominated for Best Supporting Actor for the Academy Awards. First off, I could talk for days about how disappointed I was in this movie. It was one of the few movies I saw this year that got nominated for anything at all, and for me it just fell flat for a number of reasons, which is a shame (at least for me anyway) because I was looking forward to seeing this movie when it came out. However, if I had to narrow down all of my reasons for dislike this movie to one reason, that reason would be William Hurt.

Just a little background for you here on my moviegoing experiences and habits. Not once in my life have I ever walked out on a movie. I don't do this because I respect the hard work that goes into the filmmaking process, and even if a movie is awful, I already paid for it so I might as well stay. Also, there has only been one time where I have outwardly laughed at a movie in the theater because it was so bad it was funny, and that was A Day After Tomorrow (which was my best movie theater experience ever). So, with you now knowing these two facts, I almost walked out on A History of Violence after William Hurt came on the screen for the last not even 20% of the movie. In fact, when asked after the movie how I thought it was, the first thing I said was, "William Hurt was embarassingly bad, and I didn't even know he was going to be in the movie."

William Hurt in A History of Violence:

I'm not going to tell you exactly who he played (just in case you haven't seen it yet), but trust me when I say that he gave the ABSOLUTE WORST PERFORMANCE of a mainstream actor that I've heard of in a now nominated (Supporting Actor & Adapted Screenplay) for an Oscar motion picture, and possibly any movie . . . ever. He was so bad that I actually laughed out loud for every minute he was on the screen. I really would love to describe his performance (let's just say he plays a tough guy with an east coast accent with curious facial hair) but you people really have to see it for yourselves to know what I'm talking about. Up until this role, I liked William Hurt as an actor in the selected films of his I've seen. Not only did his performance ruin this movie for me, but it has ruined William Hurt the actor in my eyes for the rest of my life, and it's not like I was even a fan.

Unfortunately for those of you who haven't seen A History of Violence, the DVD doesn't come out until March 14, so you have no idea what I've been talking about unless you saw it in the theaters. As for who should've been nominated instead, I would go with just about anybody else who was in a movie this year - from the deserving, like Jack Black for King Kong, to the not-as-deserving-but-still-really-good-and-better-than-Hurt, like Rupert Grint from Harry Potter, to the not-even-a-male-actor-who-was-also-awful-in-her-movie-but-still-not-as-bad-as-Hurt, Katie Holmes for Batman Begins, to the not-even-a-human-in-a-documentary, the Bear that killed Timothy Treadwell in Grizzly Man (which for some reason was also not nominated for Best Documentary). Just in case all of that confused you, here is the very same list of the four performances that the Academy could've picked before William Hurt:

Jack Black:

Ron Wealsey:

Katie Holmes (click on the picture for a larger version):

and a murderous, now deceased, Grizzly Bear:

COME ON!

In case you haven't figured it out by now, this year's Oscar Recap post will be extremly bitter. I never thought the Academy would be able to almost make me forget that Peter Jackson wasn't nominated for Best Director (he doesn't have to win, but at least nominate him - I mean did you see that movie and do you know how hard that was to make?). At least now I have another reason to watch other than Jon Stewart - to root against William Hurt. Let's go, Paul Giamatti!

Looks like Chin Cancer is back in the mix

2006-01-19T18:10:00.000-08:00

So congratulations are in order for those of you out there who had January 17, 2006, in the "When Will John Duffy Shave His Goatee?" pool. I know it probably wasn't as exciting as the "When Will Mrs. Belding Have Her Baby" pool from Saved by the Bell, but that's probably just because I wasn't shaved by Zack Morris in a Bayside High School elevator. All that nonsense adide, I am kinda happy to report that it is finally gone, and now there is no proof that I can grow facial hair, unless you count my sideburns (which in my case I like to call "wideburns"). The last time I shaved my chin/mouth area was in November/December of 2002, so it was hard for me to let go, which is easy to understand for those of you who know me personally because I dred change of any kind (just look at my sock rotation, for example).

The truth though, is that I've been toying with this idea for the last couple of months now but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, because I had no idea what I would look like since I've changed in appearance in the years between. My number one fear, of course, was that I'd once again look 11 to 12 years old, which haunted me for years up until I started to grow the goatee. Well, I am pleased to announce that I now look somewhere between 13 and 14 years old, which is due to the fact that my hair is longer than it was the last time I was hairless. I now expect to be carded at bars and casinos even more than I was before which is also very hard to believe if you know me. Or maybe it isn't actually.

Anyway, in the two goat-less days that I've lived through this week I've noticed a few changes. One of the reasons that I wanted to shave was that I looked too tough with the goatee, or at least tough for someone who is me. In real life I'm only really considered a tough guy to old ladies and infants, so I decided that it was time that I stop fooling myself and accept who I am because I didn't want to be known for my facial hair. As a result, my eyes now look gigantic, which conveys the exact opposite effect as my "tough" facial hair days. Right now I only look tough to especially girly dolls and assorted domestic plants.

Another major change is that now when I go outside it feels 10-12 degrees colder than the actual temperature. I guess it is true that heat escapes from the head, I just never figured that that also applied to the lower-head chin area. I went outside yesterday to drive Baby Lentini (who from here on out will be known simply as, BL) and my lower face froze in the time it took for me to walk from the front door to the car. Hopefully my chin will begin to grow accustomed to the winter, because I'll die before I wear a scarf. I'll just die. Keeping along the same lines (kinda) another change that I did not expect is that I'm mow cold whenever I breathe through my nose indoors. For years I had the top half mustache to keep my upper lip nice and toasty. This, though, I cannot change becuase I take pride in the fact that I'm a nose-breather. Mouth-breathers are widely known as the stupid half of all of the breathers out there. If you're reading this as a mouth-breather, then I'm sorry - this is just how the world works. No one likes a mouth-breather.

Also, in terms of temperature/comfort, it is now a lot harder for me to eat my daily Wheaties. I took my goatee for granted when it came to eating or drinking in the past because it caught everything that didn't go to my mouth. I was depressed for up to twenty minutes yesterday when I found out how bad I was at eating cereal. With every spoonfull I felt the milk trickle down my chin, which I guess was convenient since now my mouth was crying to match my eyes. It was quite a scene. Thank God I was alone at the time. As a result, I now have to take napkins with me wherever I go which also angers me becuase I've hated the Napkin People for years now. Just think about how many sleeves and collars were ruined before some genius invented the napkin. My question is what took so long?

Thankfully, there is one major positive in this whole shaving incident, and that is the fact that I was able to take some pictures that I've been waiting to take for years. I've been planning for a little while now three different sets of pictures of the stages my facial hair would go through before it was all gone - The Fu-Manchu Stage, The Pirate/Musketeer Mustache Stage, and of course (everyone say it along with me now) The Hitler Stage. Much to my delight the first two stages went much better than I hoped, and I was able to take many photos that you will see in a second. However, The Hitler Stage, didn't go well at all for a number of reasons (most likely in no particular order):

1. My red hair was much too light, and there was no hair dye available for me where it looked authentic.

2. There are reasons why no one had it before or after Hitler - it's hideous.

3. Um, the Holocaust.

So, while I did shave it down to the Hitler, I didn't take any pictures for those reasons listed above. Also, just in case you were wondering, my favorite stage was #2 - The Pirate/Musketeer Stage, because in a previous post I said that my favorite word was "mustachioed," and for two hours on Tuesday I was able to call myself my favorite word. It was most satisfactory. In fact, if I get a good response from the mustachioed pictures from my readers, I am willing to go back to it because it was just that much fun. Now onto the pictures. Enjoy!

Just so you know, I sliced up my chin pretty bad (which you'll see) because my chin skin hasn't been touched by a blade in over three years. Also, the hairless pictures were taken just minutes ago, while all the others were taken Tuesday night.

The Fu-Manchu Stage:

Please excuse the dirty, yellow headband.

The White Warlord Poet look.

The Pirate/Muskateer Stage:

The Hatless Pirate look.

The Sly Devil look.

The "I Need to Find a Damsel to Tie to the Train Track" look.

The Mysterious Musketeer look.

The Wacky Teen Movie Bad Guy's Sidekick look.

The Current Hairless Stage:

The Me look.

The Slightly Discouraged Me look.

Ok, that's all for now. Stay tuned and check in every once in awhile now that my self-imposed Christmas Break is over. Sometime soon (possibly tomorrow) I will write about how myself, Conor, and Mike shared a beer with ex-NBA player/coach, Fred Carter, last Friday night.

Bye-EE!

Oh Happy Day!

2006-01-03T18:16:00.000-08:00

This is about the best possible post that I could start off with for 2006. Today, Bob Hill was named the head coach of the Seattle Supersonics, who fired their previous coach Bob Weiss after the team got off to a 13-17 record. I couldn't be happier for Coach Hill because he is such a nice guy with a great family and it's so good to see him back where he wanted to be all along. The three years that I worked for him at Fordham will probably go down as the greatest job I'll ever have, and a lot of that is because how cool and approachable he was to myself and the other managers. If you consider all he went through at Fordham, plus the fact that he is most likely the most misunderstood person in the history of Fordham basketball, then this news is even sweeter. The entire staff here at Failure's Art will be rooting for the Sonics the rest of the way. Now go make the playoffs and get yourself a big new contract, and I just may bring back The Bob Hill Experience. So awesome.

more Bob Hill links:

ESPN.com

The Seattle Times

Q&A from September 28th

It's a Festivus miracle!

2005-12-23T13:46:00.000-08:00

Frank Costanza: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Happy Festivus everyone! It's that special time of year once again so this year I'll celebrate it with links galore. In case you hadn't noticed, Festivus has blown up thanks to the internet, but don't take my word for it:

How to celebrate (with pictures)

The History of Festivus

Festivus according to Wikipedia

A book on Festivus with a foreword from Frank Costanza himself.

Another Festivus book written by the guy who wrote the episode.

Order your Festivus pole (for next year) here

The Festivus Song

Finally, it wouldn't be Festivus without the following:

YAMA HAMA!

Merry Quick Picture Post

2005-12-22T20:47:00.000-08:00

So with Conor now home on break, we decided it was time to go and get our Holiday Tree. Since it is most likely our last Christmas in this house my dad came home for an hour during the day so we can keep the tradition alive, though it will be dead this time next year. The tree lot is a block from our house and when we got there we saw just three trees. It was quite a selection.

Here's two of 'em:

After struggling for hours to make a decision, we decided to get the one on the left.

And the third:

...and the award for the classiest tree buyer goes to Mr. Blackjack Duffy.

Bonus Abbey:

Abbey Red

Hope this holds you over until tomorrow's special post.

ALMOST FORGOT: This tree is gigantic.

MY CURRENT FAVORITE WORD: "mustachioed"

I told you that I'm crazy for these cupcakes, cousin!

2005-12-18T18:42:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know it's Sunday but I wanted to get this to you before anyone else does.

Last night I went out but I recorded SNL because Jack Black was the host. Little did I know then that this was the greatest taping that I would ever make in my life. I've watched most of the episode since then and it was pretty good which wasn't the case earlier in the year. Anyway, last night's episode had quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen on SNL and I'm about to give you the link so you can see for yourselves. It's a digital short by Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg called Lazy Sunday, and if you've seen it then you know how perfect it is. As a result, I think I might be sold on SNL again. Maybe. Don't say I that I never do anything for you.

(Just so you know, I found this link on the SNL message board at nbc.com because there's no way I could figure out how to upload it myself.)

Merry Holidays: Lazy Sunday

44% Uday Hussein

2005-12-16T13:20:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week I came across what could turn into the latest internet craze much like Hamster Dance or HotOrNot.com was a few years ago. Since this isn't the case already, hopefully it will be after all 14 of you read this post. The site is myheritage.com, but it's not the main family tree section of the site, it's the face recognition demo where you upload a picture of yourself or someone you know and it tells you what celebrities you look like. Now I'm not exactly sure how long this has been around, and maybe you all have seen this already, but it was new to me so I went right to work with a picture that I took of myself that very day. If you have a good internet connection, it won't take long for the picture to upload (under one minute) and after it does a little box appears with 10 celebrities and how much you look like them percentage-wise. Here's the picture I used, and if you click on the link in the caption you'll go to the site and see the results (which are hilarious):

Click here if you still have any respect for me.

Now the results have slightly changed since the first time I tried it, but Charlize Theron as the number one result has stayed the same. Well, as you could imagine, Conor (who was home for a couple days this week) and I thought this was the funniest thing ever and we spent the rest of the night uploading pictures from our computer. While we did use some serious pictures and got results that made some sense, the funniest thing to do was to find weird pictures so we could see what the computer would generate. One recurring hilarious theme was that both Barack Obama and Charles Manson came up 4 different times for Conor, as well as some German soccer player named Michael Ballack.

Conor Ballack:

Without a doubt, though, the funniest result we got was from the very picture of Baby Lentini with my guitar from 2 posts ago. The first 6 or 7 results we got for her were funny enough but once we got to the 7th or 8th one, we knew for sure just how lucky we were to have found this brilliant website. In case you couldn't tell from the title, myheritage.com seems to think that my grandmother looks 44% like Uday Hussein, dead son of Sadam Hussein. Unfortunately for the rest of you, the results change sometimes for whatever reason so if you try to use that picture to get Uday, it might not work since it didn't for me when I tired before I started writing this post. Believe me though, this website DID link Baby Lentini to Uday Hussein, and hopefully the rest of you will get some reults as hilarious as this one over the holiday season. If you feel like it, use the comment feature to tell me what celebrities this glourious site came up with for you or someone else you know. Enjoy!

Uday Lentini:

RANDOM THOUGHT: I hate it when people who I'm talking to start sentences by saying something like, "Two words: . . .," because I like to figure out on my own how many words people use in their sentences. It's really rude when people do this to me because it takes all of the fun out of that little game I like to play. What use do I have for this skill if people are going to give me the answer up front? Please be more considerate.

Taste the Happy

2005-12-14T15:35:00.000-08:00

Here are two articles on Arrested Develpoment possibly being saved.

from Variety

from comingsoon.net

I guess I may not need to write a strongly worded letter after all.

IN OTHER NEWS: I'm about to drop a website on you in a day or two that will blow your minds.

"Is that all you got?!?!?!" (The Baby Files, Volume 4.2)

2005-12-07T23:59:00.000-08:00

Before we get to the final chapter of The Files I just wanted to wish everyone out there a belated Happy World AIDS Day. It felt like it came and went a lot faster this year but still I was able put on my annual World AIDS Day reenactment of the time in the Real World: San Francisco where Puck picked his nose and then stuck the very same finger into the house's jar of peanut butter while former AIDS superstar, Pedro Zamora, freaked out in the background (somehow, though, I doubt that this was the most disgusting thing Pedro ever saw in his life). This year's version didn't look like it would go as well as last year's because Conor wasn't around so I had to play both parts. I lucked out because thankfully I was the understudy for Puck's role last year so I knew all his lines and choreography, and as a result, it all went swimmingly. I just love the holidays!

It's a match made in heaven, child:

Now Part II

When we last left off, Baby had just sent us our Christmas cards, which meant that she was at her house, which also meant that I had to go up there once again and bring her back. Every year after Thanksgiving her condo community (which is only rivaled by Del Boca Vista in Florida) decorates each atrium in each separate condo building. So, for the last 15 or so years we've always had to hear her brag about how beautiful her building's atrium looked. Last year was no exception. There was a major problem however - last year's atrium decoration flat out sucked. Unfortunately, I don't have a picture that will show you this disaster, but luckily for you I remember it perfectly.

Baby's atrium is shaped like an octagon, and it can be seen as soon as you open your front door to leave your condo. No matter the season, the ground is covered in white stones, and there is one tree that is just to the left of the center if you're coming out of Baby's place. Since it was the winter the tree had no leaves and looked pathetic like all trees do this time of year. It was a December tree for a December community. Normally, the atrium is decorated with many of the things you see on lawns in the suburbs. For some reason though, last year there were only three decorations (if you don't include the underwhelming little lights on the naked tree): one plastic reindeer, one plastic snowman, and one plastic menorah with a clear plastic bag cover. It was the saddest atrium I have ever seen in my life. It was the Atrium of Misfit Decorations, except this atrium had no King Moonracer (which, if you're looking for any last minute Christmas presents for your favorite staff here at Failure's Art, by all means).

There's only one true king in my book:

Baby was at the house for a couple of days when a big snow storm came along. Now, if you've ever met her, she only cares about three things in life: the weather, traffic/crowds, and making everyone around her eat way too much. The weather though is tops on that list. It's a well known fact in the family that whenever she's at home alone and it starts to rain/thunder, she immediately goes and locks herself in the closet. It's also impossible to come back from a round of golf or a Phillies game without her asking if it was hot, and if it was crowded. You could set your watch to these types of questions, although it wouldn't be long before you destroy that watch out of anger.

In the mind of every old person though a snowstorm is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to them in their lives, which includes WWII (which reminds me - a large percentage of the so-called "Greatest Generation" were Nazis . . . think about it). So, everyday she would beg me to put on the local news for the weather, and then she would ask what it was going to be like the next day every five minutes, as if she didn't just see for herself. It's almost as if she had a picnic planned and she needed to know if she had to call everyone to cancel. What Baby doesn't understand (though I've told her a billion times - no exaggeration) is that I don't care at all about the weather because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Sure, I get bummed if I can't go out to golf, or if a Phillies game is rained out, but that's only because I have to find something else to occupy my time. I really don't care what it does outside because it's not gonna change the way I act. I don't mind being cold, and I don't mind getting wet. In fact, my mortal enemy is the umbrella, and I don't care much for his cousin, the scarf, or his stepkids, gloves/mittens. I've always imagined that I'd die during a storm with my fist shaking, screaming at the sky, "IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?!?!?!"

You disgust me:

Anyway, nothing really came of the storm and we were trapped inside for a couple of days (which was so much fun!) and then Conor came home for Christmas Break (or Winter Break, if you hate Jesus). The problem with Conor coming home is that he and Baby have to share the same room, and then he has to sleep downstairs every night as long as she's here, which has to really suck for him. Now at this point in time, Conor had just gotten his acoustic guitar as an early Christmas present so he would go to his room to learn how to play. Well, he was up there one night at around 9:30 when Baby started to stir because she was getting tired. Normally, her routine is to go upstairs and change into her bed gear around 8PM or so and then come back down and stare at us while we watch TV, and then eventually head back upstairs to bed an hour or so after that. In my eyes, though, it is completely unecessary for her to ever get dressed completely in the first place because it's not like she's going anywhere during the day. If I know that there's no chance I'm leaving the house on a certain day then there's no way I would ever consider getting all dressed up. It's like wearing scuba gear in the shower. I often wonder if she hopes that I'm gonna come downstairs and surprise her by taking her to the Zoo, which she would of course be dressed for and ready to go. I just don't understand this woman.

Well, on this specific night she was behind schedule and she really wanted to go upstairs to what she calls her room. It's not like the first time this has ever happened, but whenever she does she always first has to ask if Conor is up there, which he is, of course. There are only so many places you can be in our house, and no one person can ever not know where someone else is at any time. Baby on the other hand is a different story. So, as per usual, she once again needed to ask if Conor was in his room and if she could head upstairs. Little did we know what kind of gem quote she was about to drop on us. Let me set this this up real quick. My dad was in his recliner in the living room, I was on the sofa playing PS2 on the little TV and watching some show on the big TV (also in the living room), my mom was in the kitchen, Conor was obviously in his room, and Baby was in her chair also in the living room. She then said quite possibly the most hilarious thing any human has ever said. Lucky for the universe, I was there to write it down hours later after I was done laughing. Hold on folks, here it comes:

"Is Conor still in his room? Because I wanna go upstairs, get undressed, and rub cream all over myself."

I'll give you a few minutes.

As you could imagine, my dad and I exploded in laughter. In one joint act of uncontrolable bliss, he unreclined his chair and started laughing histerically, followed by tears, followed by an athsma attack, while at the same time, I dropped my controller, and fell of the sofa, crashing to the floor where I stayed for a good seven minutes. Those were two reactions that would make Brian Hughes as jealous as the only 9 year old Italian kid on the block without a full moustache (hi there, inside joke, have a cookie!). Unlike the Puck/Pedro play, there is no way that I can ever relive this moment of my life through reenactment. It was quite simply the greatest moment of my life. I hope I did it justice.

Finally, Christmas morning came along and Baby Lentini said the same thing to Conor and me that she has for the last twenty Christmases-es-es-es, "you guys really made out like bandits!" We sure did, Baby. We sure did.

Goodbydios!

Any wrong you do he's gonna see . . .

2005-12-07T12:47:00.000-08:00

Don't worry everyone, I'm not throwing an all Terrance and Phillip episode at you as you wait for the thrilling conclusion of The Baby Files. Right now I am just about to leave to go pick Baby up from her house and bring her back down here so you'll have to wait for Part II for just a little while longer. I'll type it up when I get back but until then hopefully this will hold you over.

Thirty Chuck Norris Facts.

Mrs. Conor P. Duffy (The Baby Files, Volume 4.1)

2005-12-06T12:24:00.000-08:00

Since I'm such a nice person and it's the holiday season I am presenting you with the lost edition of The Baby Files which happened last year between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Even though it happened almost exactly one year ago, it's pretty fresh for the times we live in today and it's not that topical because, if you think about it, the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is the same every year, except now I no longer have to worry about any Eagles games. I do love that Koy Detmer though.

Anyway, I should mention this one last thing before I continue, which is that this will be the FINAL EDITION of The Baby Files that I will ever write. I know some of you may be upset over this, but it's just not fun for me anymore to come up with this stuff because Baby is starting to lose it more and more every day (you can argue that this started happening 80+ years ago) and I just don't feel right exploiting her antics anymore because the same thing could happen to all of us when (or if) we ever make it to her age. So, in terms of length, you can now think of The Baby Files Collection as Sandy Koufax's career, or a Ricky Gervais BBC/HBO season of television, or the version of the iPod right before this newest video iPod.

And now on to the end of an era (IN 2 PARTS).

One of the many things that I have to do for Baby whenever she comes down to visit is take her to the doctor's office for one of her 37 checkups per year. I really don't know why she needs to be check-up so many times because there is absolutely nothing wrong with her . . . in terms of health, of course. I think that she likes to go so much because it seems that once you reach a certain age (probably sometime over 70) your doctor becomes a rockstar in your eyes. In Baby's case, Dr. Morris is to her what Bono is to many people who are stuck in the 1980s and still think he has any musical talent or relevance. When you get to a certain age, drugs (legal drugs, that is), flu shots, and EKGs mean as much to you as the music that you listened to when you were younger because you feel like you need them t oget you through each day whter you really do or not. So, whenever an old person goes to the doctor's it's like someone in their twenties going to a concert, except the drugs you get there are slightly different (or so I'm told). Everytime I go to see Dr. Morris with Baby her eyes are so wide that I think that they will literally fall out of her sockets, and at her age that just may happen.

In this particular visit, Baby went through her normal routine: she'd come in and hop up on the table (how she does that I don't know - I can barely do it myself), kisses up to the doctor, hears nothing he says, and just talks about someting completely off topic that Dr. Morris has to smile and nod throughout which is what every poor sucker has to do when they talk to her. This time Baby was telling him personal information about members of our extended family who I don't even really know about. The problem was that not only was she making up all of this information, but she was talking to him in a manner that he had signed up for the Duffy Extended Family Newsletter, which Dr. Morris would hae to be up to date with because she was using first names only like they had all been friends for years. At this point I imagine that Dr. Morris is used to all of this because I am sure that every one of his older patients does the exact same thing. I'll never understand why anyone would want to become a doctor. It's bad enough that the lives of countless strangers is in your hands everyday, but then if you think about all that uncomfortable small talk, well, I just don't know how they can do it, even if there are yachts involved.

At some point after that we were all at home watching the nightly news on NBC with Brian Williams. It was right after he took over for Brokaw, and I wanted to feel out his style because I always enjoy his interviews on Conan and The Daily Show. It turns out that he sucks, and that even though he is willing to report from just about anywhere on Earth, I can't sit through a half hour of listening to his dry voice. On this one night though I was happy that he was on because once Baby saw him she told us all that he was currently dating Whoopi Goldberg. That's right folks, Whoopi Goldberg. Whoopi and Brian Williams. I could'nt come up with a funnier or more random celebrity romantic pairing if I sat down and tried to four one full hour. After minutes of uncontrollable laughter, we tried to tell her that Brian Williams and Whoopi Goldberg were not in fact a couple, but she wasn't having any of it. I don't think I've ever seen her so convinced on one thing in my whole life. After a while, I started to believe that they were together no matter how ridiculous it seemed. Who knows, maybe it's some secret juicy realtionship that I didn't know about, much like the one between Chris Berman and Brett Favre. I wish I could be that random and make up something like this, but I guess I'm not at that point in my life. Not yet.

It's a match made in heaven, child:

After this incident, we took her back to her place for a week or so, and in that time we got her Christmas cards in the mail. Baby's card giving routine has been the same every year that I can remember, which is she sends all four of us an individual Christmas card a couple weeks before Christmas, and then when she comes to our house on Christmas Day she gives us each for more cards, except these ones have money (guess which ones are my favorite). Anyway, Conor was up at school so he wasn't there to open his pre-Christmas card for himself, or the one addressed to his wife. That's right, Baby sent a card to someone named, Mrs. Conor P. Duffy. Since Conor got his own card, as did both my mother and father, this meant that I was Conor's wife/brother. Inside the envelope on the actual card itself was my name written above some generic Christmas poem. So, at least on the day that she sent the cards, my grandmother thought I was my brother's wife. It was one of the top two most hilarious Christmas cards my family has ever received with the other one being the Kwanzaa card with the black family on it that my grandfather on my mother's side sent us years ago when he was still alive. Good times all around.

Happy Kwanzaa:

PART II tomorrow...

COMPLETELY UNRELATED: If you have the time, please read David Cross' open letter to Larry the Cable Guy. It's pretty long, but it's a good read if you either love David Cross, or hate Larry the Cable Guy (hopefully you fall into both categories).

I'm just toying with you at this point

2005-12-04T23:33:00.000-08:00

Hey folks. I'm about to make a promise I may not keep, but actually check up on me this week because I'm feeling like I might be writing something at some point. I've got at least three ideas so keep an eye out if you feel up to it. As for now I'll just leave you with a little taste.

Also, make sure you check out the links to the right which I add or change frequently even if I don't post any words in this main area.

HINT: The picture above is a link. I know, high-tech huh? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an Advent calendar to catch up on thankyouverymuch.

Quick Thanksgiving Weekend Request

2005-11-26T14:31:00.000-08:00

Save Arrested Development (again).

Thanks.

The Spinoff, the Links, and the Wardrobe

2005-11-16T08:20:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't already figured it out, I've gotten the greenlight from the network executives to turn Smush Watch into its very own spinoff show. I was finally able to do this because I finally figured out how to put up links (the list is ever growing) to other sites, which you can now see if you look to the right. If you look to the left, you can see Fabio getting hit in the face by a goose. Seriously though, the main reason for the spinoff is so that I can keep Smush fans updated on his career without clogging up this site with constant updates and stats that seem out of place. All I need now is a third ball to juggle. Wow, that didn't come out right at all.

Hopefully this chart will help you understand the situation:

Failure's Art = Cheers
Smush Watch = Frasier

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IN OTHER NEWS: I'm going to the Jeff Tweedy concert in NYC tonight so I won't be able to answer all your hate mail right away.

WARNING/THREAT: I'll kill you if you bring up what happened on Monday night.

Thanks FOX (Taste the Sad)

2005-11-11T12:42:00.000-08:00

I am filled with murderous rage.

(Just so we're clear, I'm talking about Arrested Development, not 7th Heaven).

Smush Watch (loss to the Suns)

2005-11-04T17:02:00.000-08:00

They lost.

Smush tied his career high with 21 points (on 8-14 shooting) and added 2 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 turnovers and 4 steals. Also, this happened:

I'm tired. Goodnight.

BY THE WAY: Golfing in November is awesome.

Smush Watch (Opening Night at Denver)

2005-11-03T16:12:00.000-08:00

In easily the greatest game of his NBA career, Smush Parker helped the LA Lakers beat the Denever Nuggets last night, 99-97 in overtime. While the big national story is that Kobe hit the game winning shot, the big story in my world is that in 41 minutes (of a game which he started) Smush scored 20 points on 8-12 shooting (3-7 from three point range), had four rebounds, 6 assists, and ZERO turnovers. More importantly, Smush was on the floor during all the important moments of the game, and he even hit a huge three pointer late in the game to cut the Nuggets lead to one with 40 seconds left, while they were triple-teaming Kobe (who chucked like Costanza most of the night).

Andre Miller can't escape Smush. More on that later.

Like I said yesterday, the game was on ESPN which meant that basketball legend, Bill Walton, was the color analyst. Normally, Walton hates everyone but the best of the best, and while he didn't warm to Smush early because of some soft defense, he cnaged his tune as the game progressed. Here's some of what he said:

- Midway through the 3rd quarter he said: "Smush Parker has become the greatest player in this game tonight, and that includes Kobe Bryant and Carmelo Anthony.

- After Smush forced Marcus Canby to change his shot on a fast break which led to a Kobe block, he said: "Smush Parker is the reason why Kobe Bryant was able to block that shot, and he should get the credit for his hustle."

- Down by 4 with 40 seconds left, Smush hit what Walton called "a cold blooded" three pointer to cut the lead to one, which led to him saying: "Devean George and Smush Parker are the unsung heros for the Lakers tonight."

The greatest moment of the game (excluding Kobe's game winner) was Smush's dunk on Andre Miller with over 9 minutes left in the 3rd quarter. While the dunk itself might not match up with his dunk on 4 LaSalle players at Fordham in 2002, or his reverse dunk on three St. Bonaventure players later that year in terms of flair, if you consider the situation this was his greatest official dunk of all time (not including streetball). The dunk was so great that it was #6 on SportCenter's Top Ten Plays last night. Here's what SportCenter anchor, Scott Van Pelt, said about the dunk during the highlight of the game:

"To the 3rd quater now, and speaking of getting loose, how about Smush Parker? Lookout! Oh, ANdre Miller, have some of that! This is how we do at Fordham, son! Don't jump with me! You can see Miller kinda laughing like, 'man, son, who are you?'"

If you didn't get the chance to see it, I recorded it, and here are the step by step pictures off my TV of the dunk:

Here's Smush (top middle) getting the bounce pass from Lamar Odom...

...and he sizes up Andre Miller...

...takes off...

...and "posterizes" the Nuggets' point guard.

"Man, son, who ARE you?"

Here's...

...the dunk...

...from another...

...angle.

I know that all of those annoying pictures don't do the dunk justice, but it really was something special when I saw it happen live, which I proved to myself when I sreamed as loud as I could at close to 1 AM ET, completely forgetting about the new born baby next door. If all of you out there want to experience that same baby-waking emotion, then there's still time to jump on the Smush Parker bandwagon because he and the Lakers are on once again tonight at 10:30 ET, except this time on TNT. Tonight, they're playing the Suns, a team that Smush was briefly on last season. Hopefully, he can make the Suns regret that they decided to keep 2005 NBA MVP, Steve Nash, instead of him as their starting point guard. It's payback time.

Here are some other articles where Smush's greatness is mentioned:

This first one is about Phil Jackson from espn.com, and Phil kind of hints that he knows Smush is on his team.

This one is a recap of last night's game on nba.com, and Smush is actually quoted towards the end of the article.

Here are rotoworld.com's thoughts on Smush performance.

Finally, here's a link from the LA Times website from a couple weeks ago that probably won't work for you unless you're registered (I'm not registered and I was able to read it so who knows?).

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In other news, The Bob Hill Experience has been cancelled because I have no idea how to track his career as an assistant coach. Here's the best I could come up with, which, as you could imagine, the network immediately shot down:

The Seattle SuperSonics lost last night to the Los Angeles Clippers 101-93. Bob Hill wore a dark suit. The End.

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Finally, here are the lyrics to a rap song about this upcoming NBA season that was played on ESPN before SportsCenter last night. I believe the song is called "Why We Watch," because that is the phrase that ESPN is using for their NBA telecasts this year. In terms of hilarious sports themed songs with players' names mentioned in the lyrics, this NBA song ranks just above the "Who Let the Mets Out?" parody of "Who Let the Dogs Out?" during the 2000 playoffs, but just behind the classic Eagles themed, "My Philadelphia Eagles Put Your Hands Up!" (which samples the Rocky theme) of a couple years ago. Since you can't hear this song, let me tell you that it was probably written by fourth graders, and consists of two people shouting out random things in no particular structure for no particular reason, while footage of whatever player they just mentioned being shown on the screen. Just so you know, I'm typing all of the random shouting in CAPS. Also, my favorite parts are the Ron Artest line, the Mavericks question, and the Flip Saunders exclamation. Enjoy!

Why We Watch
by two Fourth Graders

Phil Jackson reunites with Kobe
HOW SWEET!
Big Shaq and the new look Heat you can't beat
Who gonna win it all?
Who got the will to compete?
Heard the Spurs got Finley
That's the word on the street
Will the Suns be able to rise and who are they?
Gotta go hard for four months without Amare
LeBron's new teammates tighten their laces
RON ARTEST!
Yeah, back with the Pacers
Houston's Yao Ming and Tracy McGrady
The deadliest combo
Will the Mavericks ever make it to the Finals?
KG leads the T'Wolves
C-Melo the Nuggets
WATCH OUT!
Slam dunks and raining buckets
A good fit in Philly man it gets no better
To answer all your questions
IVERSON AND WEBBER!
Who's gonna walk the walk not just talkin' the talk?
FLIP SAUNDERS IN DETROIT!
LARRY BROWN IN NEW YORK!
Jason Kidd and Vince Carter goin' hard for the Finals
Try to get back and tack back
Who's gonna win the title?
E-S-P-N
N-B-A
That's why we watch
SportsCenter

I have it all recorded if you ever want to watch. Please, please, please ask me to see it next time you're at my house. Please.

Two Fresh Starts

2005-11-02T17:03:00.000-08:00

As I first reported back in August, Smush Parker is now a member of the NBA's Los Angeles Lakers. Since then Smush has started seven of the eight games of the preseason and averaged just over 10 points per game which actually gives him a chance of winning the starting job at point guard. Tonight is the Lakers first game of the regular season, and while the big story might be that Kobe and Phil Jackson are together again, the big story here at Failure's Art is that Smush is probably going to start this game. As the official internet home of Smush Parker's career we are even happier to announce that you can watch him tonight at 10:30 PM ET on ESPN as the Lakers travel to Denver to take on the Nuggets. If you care at all about things that aren't very important than I strongly urge you to watch this game. Tomorrow will be the 2005-06 season premiere of Smush Watch so stay tuned.

Smush Watch comes to Philadelphia on November 11th!

In other ex-Fordham news that only myself and a handful of others care about, Bob Hill makes his assistant coaching debut with the Seattle SuperSonics tonight at 10 PM ET against the Los Angeles Clippers. While it's very hard for anyone to care about or keep track of assistant coaches at any level in any sport we here again will keep an eye on how things work and The Bob Hill Experience (a spinoff of Smush Watch) will also make its debut tomorrow afternoon. At this point I still don't even know what The Experience will be about, but that kind of mystery is what will make it so entertaining for all of you out there in radio land.

The Bob Hill Experience comes to Philadelphia on January 9, 2006!

End of Days? Fine, whatever.

2005-10-27T16:49:00.000-07:00

Normally I don't write about stuff that happens to me on the day that it actually happens, but I feel like I have to change this trend today so I can warn you all of the danger coming. Today started off innocently enough, like most Thursdays in late October - kinda cold and annoying. Around noon I decided that I would take our new dog of a couple of months, Abbey, up to my cousins' house so she could run around with their dog in their backyard, which unlike my backyard, is bigger than a closet.

Everyone, Abbey. Abbey, everyone.

So, I headed on out to make the 7 minute trip with Abbey running around like a maniac in the backseat because recently her license had been suspended because her hind legs don't reach the pedals when she drives, plus, like most pointer/beagle mixes, she has no thumbs. About halfway there we were driving down your normal residential street in America when I saw three horse-sized birds in the middle of the street surrounding something which I couldn't make out at first. I slowed down as I approached these birds and I could tell that they were up to no good. Not only did they mean trouble but I had never seen birds like this before in my whole life. Since I was closer I was able to get a good look as they got out of the way of my car. While I probably exaggerated on the horse size of these birds, they were still about the size of a hawk with giant wings and black feathers. Also, they had turkey like heads that didn't seem to fit with the rest of their bodies. At this point, as you could imagine, I was pretty freaked out, but I knew that I had to turn the car around and get another look because I swore to myself years ago that I wouldn't let any no good birds take over my beloved country.

Turns out that this uncharacteristically ballsy decision was a huge mistake. When I drove back down the street the other way I couldn't see them at first, until all of a sudden, one of these giant beasts swooped down from a tree with a dead squirrel in its beak and dropped it next to the other two and they started their feast. Then, for some retarded reason, I pulled over and took out my camera phone to take pictures. Luckily, a car came down the street which distracted them from that poor tree rat, and they separated and that horrific sight was over at least for a minute. While they were broken up I drove up to the ring leader and got a pretty good picture that I have no idea how to display on this website. After I got at least one good picture I got out of there as fast as I could and tried to figure out if what I just saw was real.

It was. Also, as it turns out, I was looking at three probably escaped turkey vultures from our nearby Schuylkill Valley Nature Center. As a result, I am now on high alert for any crazy terrorist birds out there that could potentially strike you or your loved ones at any moment. Since that happened I've seen those vultures everytime I've closed my eyes, which is enough for me to add them in as Number One on my Irrational Fear updated list of three which is as follows:

1. - Crazy Terrorist Turkey Vultures

2. - statues at nighttime

3. - pumping my own gas

That is quite a scary list if any of you out there are me. Since I can't figure out how to show you the pictures that I took with my camera phone, I will leave you with pictures of turkey vultures that I found on the internet, plus a link to the website of The Turkey Vulture Society, which I will fight to destroy alongside my ongoing struggle for Nickname Equality at Notre Dame (man, I sure do have a lot on my plate).

This next one is the closest I could find to what I actually saw:

The End is Nighish, and if you don't believe me well then I guess you didn't just see those cheating, scumbag Black Sox just win the World Series.

Ah ha, hush that fuss . . .

2005-10-25T02:16:00.000-07:00

. . . everybody move to the back of the bus.

Well, sometimes it's just funny how things work out. It was only three posts ago where I finally let go of a joke I've been holding onto for a good nine years about how I thought Rosa Parks had been long dead. Little did I know at that time that it was one of the last few days I had to make that joke. What does all of this prove you may ask? Um, I don't know - how about the fact that God exists. God (probably with a little help from His/Her/Its? son, Jesus) let Rosa Parks live just long enough for me to get a cheap laugh out of up to six people about an old lady American hero who loved suing people almost as much as she loved hating buses. In fact, I can thank God even more because now Rosa Parks isn't around to sue me about this post.

Anyway, what I want to say is that I am now an inspired man. In hono(u)r of Rosa Parks I will now fight my hardest for a civil rights issue that hits close to home. Recently, it's been brought to my attention that the University of Notre Dame's athletic teams nickname is "the Fighting Irish." The Fighting Irish? Really? Wow, that just hurts. How many more years do mostly Irish-Americans like myself have to sit around and put up with this blatant racism. In case you don't realize, the name "Fighting Irish" implies that all Irish people fight because they are drunk all the time. Just look at Notre Dame's logo - it's offensitude hits you right in the face with some sort of potential left jab/left jab/right hook combo. Let me make this perfectly clear: not all drunken Irishmen are fighters. Some like to laugh, and some like to cry, while others like to sing and dance with their pale arms held tightly and motionless against their bodies. It's a simple fact of life people.

Since I am now outraged, I will from here on out boycott everything Notre Dame (including their apparently very popular football program of which I am just told exists). Just like Rosa Parks before me, I will sit in the front of the bus of nickname equality. In fact, there will only be front seats on my bus, because we are all equal at heart (except, of course, for the Samoans). I plan to take my case to the courts, and (also like Rosa Parks) sue anybody who gets in my way. If succesful, I will see to it that Notre Dame changes its nickname to "the Friendly Irish," or to, "the Overrated," depending on how I feel at the time. Now, I ask, who out there will join me on my quest for equality? Who out there will be my co-Stereotype Smasher? Is it you? If you aren't quite inspired yet, please read these lyrics to OutKast's tribute song to Rosa Parks. I dare you not to cry. I DARE YOU.

That's all for now. Remember - no Samoans. Onward and upward!

Warlord Closer Hits Free Agent Market

2005-10-19T16:43:00.000-07:00

I have great news for any MLB team in need of a quality setup reliever/closer, RHP Ugueth Urbina is now on the market. Now I could sit here and make the case that Urbina has plus-type pitches, or that he can block out any distractions and come through in the clutch when needed. I could do either of those things, plus I could tell you that he has a great track recored and won a World Series with the Marlins in 2003. What you can't see out there though is the fact that Urbina possesses all of the intangibles that baseball pitchers should have in today's game. Intangibles like at least more than one machete and random cans of gasoline. This is the type of guy that any team would want to go to war with, or maybe even join on a jungle safari if there's time. He's got that killer instinct.

I'll let this article do the rest of the talking.

You Ain't Even In Mi Clasa!

2005-10-18T14:08:00.000-07:00

Just this morning, I was looking through a notebook of mine where I sometime write down ideas that I'll most likely forget I ever came up with becuase I wrote them down in some notebook that I can never find. Well, last winter to spring, I sat in on one of my dad's night classes at St. Joseph's University that he teaches pretty much every semester. I took this class for two reasons: one, because I always wanted to see what a class of his was like, and two, because my friend Mike (the owner of the car I showed you in the last post) was in the class and we haven't had a class together since high school. What was great about this class was that I wasn't paying for it, and I didn't have to do any work because I wasn't being graded. Overall, it was a really good class, and I learned some stuff about politics in the 1960's when I decided to pay attention, but the main reason why I liked the class so much is because I got to see what class was like at a different college, plus I could make fun of the kids in the class, and also write down whatever came into my mind, and it would look like I was taking notes. I wasted so much time not wasting enough time at Fordham. This post will consist of the things that I wrote down during class. It's not new to me, but it's new to you. It should be noted that St. Joseph's overrated star basketball player, Pat Carroll (who wound up winning A10 MVP) was in this class. Here goes literally nothing:

- My return to cursive so far has been a dissappointment.

- Older students (30+) are all bitter and depressing. They know how much life sucks, and they show just how many times they've been worked over in their lives.

- A kid named Mike (another Mike, not my friend) used the word "scumbag" and referrenced "the F-word," and came up with the phrase, "social junk" all in one answer.

- Classrooms that have TVs bother me because all I can think about is how much I want to watch it. You could put anything on too, and I'd enjoy every second.

-If people in certain classes have the same first name, they should have to go up against their counterparts in some sort of competition. Each person must compete in some way no matter if they want to or not. You can throw your challenge if you have some sort of nickname that you want to be called, but you at least have to show up and fake effort.

- Black socks are more comfortable than white socks. I'd like grey socks more if I could choose a way to spell gray.

- Things Pat Carroll would rather be doing right now:
1.) playing as himself in March Madness 2005
2.) Sleeping
3.) Crying that Jameer Nelson and Delonte West are no longer on the team
4.) Sleeping
5.) Playing poker with the Russians on the team.

- Car port? I really, really hate that term. My God I hate it. It's like calling a bottle a liquid holder. Give me garage or give me death. It sounds like a term from caveman times, though I believe that modern cavemen would come up with a better name if given ample time.

- A great poker nickname would be "The Prophet," not "Silent Steve."

- I'd like to know more about Chron's Disease.

- The doors on handicap bathrooms shouldn't be so heavy.

- If you can't laugh at yourself you should be shot, and if you can't laugh at all you should take lessons.

- A lifelong dream of mine has always been to step foot inside a genuine RV.

- My favorite thing about a hotel room is putting down my bags and learning the channels on the TV.

- Change isn't real money. It's such a burden. I never want to make much noise when I walk, in fact, I take pride in how silently I walk. My goal is to never have anyone say, "Boy, that John Duffy sure is a loud walker."

- Classes go faster in your mind when your father is teaching.

-They have "No Tear" shampoo so if it gets in your eyes you don't cry, but I cry regardless of the type of shampoo because I'm dissappointed that I couldn't keep it out of my eyes.

This next section of thoughts was from the Monday after the Super Bowl, meaning the Eagles lost the Super Bowl the night before this class. It was the Worst Moday of All Time.

- I don't think anyone did the reading for this week. I wonder why?

- I haven't been outside today until now, but I know how quiet it was. Everyone is depressed and you don't have to look very hard to see that.

- I don't know why people wear their team gear the day after their team loses a big game. Sure, it's great that you are still with your team, but everytime someone looks at you they are reminded of how painful the loss feels.

- I was taught the Scientific Method every year, and I couldn't even tell you one step now if you held a gun to my head.

- A reporter on NPR misspoke and said that the Patriot's SB victory was their "turd" in four years, which cheered me up for about six seconds.

- People should use the word "smart" more to describe things that are cool.

- The order of groups that were guaranteed a laugh if you mentioned them randomly in jokes or conversations over the last 8 or so years went: monkeys, midgets, Canadians, Asians, Mexicans, and Jesus. I need to think of a new group soon. I think Samoans might work.

- I wish The Box still existed. I always loved watching it and trying to guess what video would be played next, though it always wound up being Coolio's, "Fantastic Voyage." You just don't get that sense of communal excitment from TV today.

- I don't get how people have the balls to just get up in the middle of class and walk out with all their stuff. I guess they think that they can do whatever they want because they're paying for it. On the other hand, if you are late for class by more than ten minutes, you should just forget about it and stay where you are, especially if there aren't a lot of people in your class. A girl showed up today 45 minutes into the class, and lucky for her, no one said anything.

- I have no idea what color my shirt is. I thought it was navy blue at first, but the more I look at it the more I think it's a faded black, or some odd green color. I need to figure this out soon before I go crazy.

- My God it's hot in here.

- What was navy blue called before the first Navy?

- I really like the design of the question mark. It just fits so perfectly with what it's supposed to represent. I think that English should adopt the Spanish way of using the upsidedown question mark at the beginning of the question, with the normal question mark at the end. This would make reading so much easier and more interesting. I dare anyone out there to argue against this. How doesn't this solution make the most sense and imrpove the way English speaking people read? Same goes for exclamation points!

- I don't think that sweatpants are a sign that someone has given up. Sweatpants are kind of awesome if they are presentable. On the other hand, the full matching sweatsuit used in non-exercise situations may very well be a sign of surrender.

- You know, I've always looked down on blue ink in pens, but now that I think about it, they're not so bad. Blue is probably my favorite color, but I always felt weird using blue pens. If I had to start all over again, I'd give blue pens a better shot at becoming my ink of choice.

- I'm almost certain now that this shirt is navy blue.

The rest are from other random classes. Congratulations if you're still reading.

- "Albeit" is a cool word in both look and meaning. It's three words in only six letters. Take that, "nevertheless."

- I think the worst part of a duel is not the part where you get shot, but when your face gets slapped with the glove.

- It's impossible for someone to say "duty" without me laughing.

- I know it's late to bring this up now, but why was P. Diddy driving through a desert to get to an award show in LA in that Super Bowl commercial? My only explanation would be that he was in Las Vegas, but even if that was the case, why wouldn't he take a private jet?

- It's hard for me to say the word "versus." Whenever I say it, I say it like when it's abbreviated as "vs.," and it sounds better that way, at least to me.

- While I'm not totally for it or against it, I have a lot of respect for people who are able to drink alcohol during class and get away with it without embarassing themselves.

- If Thurgood Marshall was alive and in his prime today, his nickname would have to be, "T-Good."

- It must be a nice feeling to be ambitious.

- There is a girl in this class who actually has a laptop at her desk! Wow, this is unbelievable. I have never seen this in all my years of school. Sure, I've heard that people so this, but I never truly believed it until right now. It only took me most of my life to actually see this happen. The laptop rumor in my mind was always equal to the "hover boards actually exsited but were pulled off the market" rumor I heard when Back to the Future II was released. Thank you, St. Joe's! I knew that rarely going to these classes had to pay off in some way, and this is good enough for me.

- A paper must be due because everyone is coming in very late.

- Pat Carroll isn't here tonight and as a result, this class isn't going very smoothly on the students side. I guess this is a sign of things to come for St. Joe's basketball next year when he's gone.

- I think I need a new watch. One that maybe a grown man might wear.

- When you cross your legs you're really asking a lot out of at least one of your legs. "Hey, right leg, would you mid holding my left leg for about twenty mintues? Maybe if you behave, I'll let the left leg hold you later." Plus, what is the reason for crossing your legs in the first place? Everyone does it. I do it. I guess it's more comfortable sometimes? I dare you to walk up to some random person tomorrow and ask him/her why he/she crosses their legs. I bet that they'll have no answer for you. I guess women have to do it if they want to be considered "civilized," so they have an excuse. But what about men? Is it a power thing? Do we feel powerful with one leg up on the other, or do we just want to prove that we're kinda flexible? Do our legs get tired just sitting there doing nothing? I mean, you can only cross your legs when you're sitting down, which is something you do to rest your legs in the first place. Is it a sign of confidence? Do we want people to get a better look at our socks, or maybe show them that some of us are too manly for socks? Your legs can't fall asleep when they're both on the ground at the same time, but one and sometimes both can when they're crossed. Plus, if you don't have a particularly strong knee, and aren't in complete control of your legs, you have to hold two hands on the knee of the top leg that is doing the crossing, which can't be comfortable at all. While it may be considered cooler, crossing your legs can only lead to trouble becuase your leg can fall asleep and you could trip on something and seriously damage your legs then you won't have any legs to cross. You don't see people in wheelchairs crossing their legs, do you?

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! The girl with that laptop is sleeping! Sleeping! Wow, if I had a laptop in class I would never fall asleep. In fact, it would be the only thing that would always keep me awake. I've never fallen asleep at a computer before. Sure, I've felt brain dead, but at least I was awake. Someone who falls asleep in front of a computer, and isn't drunk at the time, does not deserve to have on, or at least have one in class. You have to figure if you're the only person in class with a laptop on your desk than you'll draw more attention than just about anyone else who isn't Pat Carroll-esque. If someone gets bored in class, they'll think to themselves, "hey, let's see what that person with the laptop is up to." You can't hide in class with a laptop on you desk, even though you have the materials to do so. This class just keeps getting better, to bad this is the last one of the semester.

Where Is My Mind?

2005-10-07T02:06:00.000-07:00

Hey fizellas. It sure does seem like I start every entry off the same way, but yes, I am still alive. Many, many things have happened since I last posted on August 15 of this very year and this post will serve as a checklist for those events. Hopefully it'll get you caught up with the world and with myself, and if it fails to do so, well it's not like it wouldn't be the first time. Ok, hold on.

Since I last posted:

- 52 days have passed

- thankfully, I've learned how to count to 53

- summer has changed to fall, or autumn, as it's known in some parts

- it's still kinda gay to talk about the seasons changing

- I lost in the semifinals for the 4th straight year in my fantasy baseball league

- I've tasted chocolate flavored beer (which flat out sucks)

- I've tasted pumpkin flavored beer (kinda good, very pumpkiny)

- I've been to Delaware

- I missed the one year aniversary of Failure's Art (but only by 2 days)

- I've learned how to tie my shoes without looking at my shoelaces. Seriously, try it sometime. It's not as easy as you think. It requires skill.

- the price for a gallon of gas has gone up approx. 48 dollars an 42 and 15/10ths of one cent

- I've learned how to abbrev.

- Adam Carolla has somehow managed to get himslef TWO tv shows. Two! Amazing. If I wanted to watch a pair of eyebrows talk nonsense out of the side of its mouth then I'd watch Andy Rooney.

- I've knelt down at the altar of Ricky Gervais.

- I had the internet in my room and then lost it.

- America has lost and found 2 Supreme Court judges

- illiteracy is still hilarious

- Conor Duffy can legally drink alcohol.

- Jimmy Kimmel is still on the air (it's been a rough post for The Man Show)

- I got a new cell phone where the screen actually lights up when it's flipped open

- Tom Cruise's agent got him to do to Katie Holmes what Troy McClure's agent was unable to get Troy to do to Selma in episode 3F15, "A Fish Called Selma," of The Simpsons.

- a new sport called "Ice Hockey" has been introduced to America. I don't know much about it but I'll try to keep you updated when I can.

- I've played PlayStation2 in a moving automobile. Seriously. I think I may have to devote a whole post to Mike's car.

When I can come up with words that will do this car justice, I'll have to post. It really deserves at least that much.

- we've lost the city of New Orleans.

Too soon?

Seriously though, that was a gigantic tragedy and one of the worst things to ever happen to this country, which I don't even need to tell you. However, do you remember that story right after Katrina struck where it was reported that Fats Domino was missing? That was the most shocking part of all for me because I was convinced that Fats Domino had been dead for 20 to 30 years. Thankfully, he was found and he I think now is OK, so it's not as wrong that I thought he was dead as it would've been if he actually was really dead in the first place. I now guess he'll have to delay his heavenly tea party with Rosa Parks for a little while. Well that's all I got for now.

What? She's not dead either? Someone needs to make me a list.

Do you wanna pick up that name you just dropped?

2005-08-15T18:06:00.000-07:00

What we have here folks is a little bit of history. If you don't count my week-long vacation from which I've just returned, this is the third straight weekday that I have posted. I really don't know what's wrong with me, and I have no idea how long this streak will last, but you people all better enjoy it while you can because - let's face it - you're witnessing brilliance at its most brilliantest.

Anyway, I just want to mention two quick things before I go off and celebrate my greatness. The first is that I'd like to congratulate Phil Mickelson on winning his second major tournament, The PGA Championship, today in New Jersey. Now, I know you're probably asking yourself why I am congratulating another human being, which is understandable considering it's not in my nature. Well, get this choccos, Phil is yet another member of the Super Awesome June 16th Birthday Club first mentioned here. So, by my unofficial count (mainly because I know there are more stellar members out there I just don't know about yet), The Club includes an MLB All-Star, and Olympic Gold medalist, a rising rock superstar, the absolute greatest rap artist of all time, a two time golf major champion, and one of the most disappointing humans to ever live.

The second thing I want to mention is something that has bothered me for most of my lyfe. It all started back in 5th grade when I had my Confirmation and chose "Xavier" as my name. I really liked that name to begin with, but my main reason for choosing it was that I wanted my initials to look as much like a random year in Roman Numerals as possible that you might see at the end of the credits on TV and in the movies - JJXDIV. Now, and I can even see it happening as you're reading this, when some of you people are reading the name "Xavier" you're pronouncing it in your head (or for those of you like me who always read aloud) "X-avier". Guess what people, that's not how you say it. Do you people walk around saying things like:

"Hi R-odney! Nice weather we're having today, huh?"

or,

"Did you get that finger that I sent you, L-aToya?"

or,

"D-avid, please take your hand off my thigh."

or,

"I sure like you better when you aren't talking, J-ennifer."

No, of course, people don't say names that way. Why, you ask? Because it's retarded. The letter "X" is a letter just like any other letter in the alphabet. You don't have to speak the letter separately from the other letters it's with in a word. Sure, it's one of the few tricky letters out there, but if you can figure out that the word "centipede" isn't pronounced "kentipede", and (especially) "Xerox" is pronounced "Zerocks", than surely you can say "Zavier" when you see the name "Xavier". I mean, come on. If I know you personally, and you are one of the "X-avier" people, consider this a chance for a clean slate. From now on if the name comes up in a conversation between us, you'll now say it the right way because I've given you enough of a warning to stop saying it like a retard. The beauty of it is that I'll never know you said it the wrong way in the past, plus you get to keep both of your ears for the future. It's a win-win situation. You're welcome.

RANDOM FACT: The Jonathan Frakes versions of Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction? are about a million times better than the James Brolin versions.

The Promised Monster V: Broken Glass (The Baby Files, Volume 5)

2005-08-06T02:04:00.000-07:00

I know what you're thinking - what happened to Volume Four? Well, Volume Four is the lost volume that I will give to you soon enough that I think I went over a few posts ago. Hey, if you're gonna complain I won't give you either of them, OK? Be thankful I'm even talking to you right now. Stop crying. Please? That's better.

PART FIVE: We Had Some Good Times

This newest edition of The Baby Files will be a greatest hits compilation of the summer up to this point in time riiiiiiight now. I don't have a real story here, but I do have some quotes and pictures, and when I can I'll write what I can. To start things off I want to take you back to the NBA Draft of a little over a month ago (and yes, that link takes you to the site you're already on). By now you've read the main story of what happened that day, but what you don't know is what happened before Conor and I left for Manhattan.

Good old Baby Lentini herself came down to our house a few days before The Draft, and since it's kind of on our way, we agreed that we'd drop her off at her place on our way. After I got dreesed I made my way downstairs where Conor and Baby were waiting to leave. I took my trusty, smart-looking red and black water bottle into the kitchen to fill it up with "H2whoa!", but when I got there I noticed something was wrong. Horribly wrong. On the kitchen table was the little two inch by two inch cut out of the material from Those Gates from Central Park (or Gaytes as I like to call them) on a larger, square blue panel, that my mom picked up when she went to go see them for some reason that I'll never understand. What was odd was that the glass square equal in size that covered the material was nowhere to be seen. As it turns out, Baby Lentini was in the kitchen cleaning sweeping the broom earlier that morning when (and this is all paraphrased from her words, mind you) the freezer door opened all by itself and the glass covered panel fell to the floor because, apparently, it was stuck in between the door and the freezer.

What you need to know about this version of the story is that it is a complete lie. The glass panel was, and always was, secure up on top of the refrigerator so that there was no chance it would ever fall unless someone walked into the fridge itself, or there was an earth quake. Now, I have no problem that Baby broke the glass because I didn't care about the material from the Gaytes either way. What bothered me was the fact that she made up a lie that in no way fits in with the Earth's laws of gravity. How does a fairly good sized glass panel get caught in the freezer door by itslef? Also, how in God's name does a freezer door open all by itslef? There wasn't one word of truth in her excuse. Not one. You would think that after 80+ years of life experience that she would be able to lie in a way that AT LEAST agrees with the laws of gravity. Or maybe not, who knows?

The best part of this whole story was not that she cleaned up the glass (which she did), but that after she swept the glass into the little trash transporter thingy, she wrote the words "Broken Glass" on a small piece of paper and then put the paper on top of the glass and left it like that by the trashcan. Luckily for everyone, I had my camera prepped for The Draft so I was able to take a picture. I know it's mad cliched, but you really can't make something like this up. Such is life with Baby I guess.

Such penmanship!

And now for three quick quotes from The Master. Please, for your own safety, chew slowly.

1.) We were watching a random baseball game when she said:

"You know who could play ball? That Aunt Marie (her sister). She was like a street."

2.) Later on we were watching something on John Lennon when she said:

"Who is that?" - BL
"It's John Lennon." - Conor
"Well he's not living." - BL

3.) Very recently, my dad bought her a book. Here's what she said about it:

"You know, there's a story behind this book."

Since these are three gems, a couple weeks ago I filmed her telling some stories about what it was like back in the good old days. She once again mentioned that her sister, Marie, could play some ball, though this time she left out the odd street comparison. All in all she told about four stories, and after each one she would say the said exact thing in a reminiscent tone:

"You know, we had some good times . . . but we also had some bad times."

I don't know if she knew that she was ending every story in the exact same way, but I figure that anyone over 70 who tells a story also does the same thing. All I know is that I'm not gonna wait til I get that old to use that line. It's a real powerful way to end an annecdote. You guys should try it sometime cause it works. The response that you want from your audience is one of complete silence, or at least one uncomfortable "I'm-sorry-you're-so-old" laugh. It's a real downer.

You know what isn't a downer - a birthday! Well, on second thought, after a certain age that could potentially be even worse than the standard old person end of story one-liner. Anyway, this past Sunday was Baby Lentini's 67th consecutive 19th birthday. I'll leave you with these pictures as I head off to spend a week with her down the shore. It's been real people. Don't ever say I don't give you anything.

That cake is like a street!

Happy Birthday dear Baby, Happy Birthday to you! And many moooooooooooore!

ONE MORE THING: Here's a picture of my version of "Beach in a Bottle." What kind of bottle you ask? Why, Aquafina, of course.

I might freeze this bottle. I haven't decided yet. Comments?

That's all I got.