El Duffo's Oscar Thoughts

1. Well I guess we all know who is going to play Sidney Poitier when his biopic comes out after he dies.



2. Speaking of that, was there a more perfectly timed death in the history of life than Ray Charles'? I was convinced that Ray was going to win the best picture to go along with his Album of the Year Grammy, Westminster Best In Show Blue Ribbon, and Best New Autopsy Morgy.

3. Sticking with the death theme, I can't wait to see the "Academy Award Tribute to those who died in the past year segment" when I'm much older because it's going to be stacked with a whole bunch of people I've heard of. Don't get me wrong, tonight's list was star-studded, but it's gonna be awesome when I'll be able to recognize at least 85% of the people in the future.

4. Also, while watching the Tribute, I said to those who were watching with me, "do you realize that we're watching the footage of Yo Yo Ma that the Academy's going to use for this segment when he dies?" It really made me feel like I was a part of history. Until then, Mr. Ma.

5. I know 98% of the white people you'll come across will say that they enjoyed Chris Rock's performance tonight, but I really did enjoy it after having expected the opposite. Before the show started I was skeptical becuase, in my opinion, he peaked five years ago and this performance could have been as stale as his last HBO special. I'd have to say that he really came through though. It would've been nice if they started the show with him instead of that retardedly long opening montage of the movies through the years narrated by Dustin Hoffman. Also, the whole Magic Johnson Theater segment was Conan-esque.



6. One of the 2% of white people that did not enjoy Rock's performance was of course, Sean "IS THAT MY DAUGHTAH! IS THAT MY DAUGHTAH!" Penn. Did he vow during the monolauge that he would defend the honor of Jude Law to the death? Man was that homo. He must've thought that somewhere Jude Law was sitting alone in his trailer on the set of Gattica 2: The Return of Gattica or Colder Mountain, watching the Oscars alone and crying his eyes out after getting torn apart Chris Rock. Dude was in six movies this year, B.

7. I swear that Imelda Staunton has been nominated for her performance in Vera Drake for something like twelve straight years now. Maybe I'm stretching things a bit but it really does seem that she, or someone like her in an eerily similar role, is in the running every year. I'll get my fact team working on this one.



8. Jamie Foxx's daughter needs braces.



9. I can't begin to explain to you how happy I am that The Gayviator lost out on most of the major awards (except for Cate Blanchett, or as Star Jones inexplicably pronounces it, "Cate Blawn-shwa"). Better luck next time, Brows McGee.



10. If Brows McGee was to ever win a Best Director Oscar it would have to be for the movie starring Larry David as a Jewish mob boss from Season 3 of Curb Your Enthusiasm. The only fake movie I would want to see more than the Brows/David Joint, would be The Three by Donald Kaufman from Adaptation.

11. Am I really wrong, or shouldn't the winner of Best Original Screenplay be AT LEAST nominated for Best Picture. I know that a wholelotta other stuff goes into the filmmaking process, but I would think that the story itself plays a very important role. The best part of the whole night for me was when Charlie Kaufman and others won for Eternal Sunshine. By my count he should have 3 assorted Screenplay Oscars by now.

12. It's amazing how every single year all the nominees for Best Documentary Short, Best Animated Short, and Best Live Action Short think that this night is all for them. Oscar is indeed smiling on you, Chris Landreth.



13. P. Diddy said the following in a post-show interview, "the fashion has been impeccable." Way to make a career off the death of your best friend, Diddy.



14. I guess we all know who will be playing Jamie Foxx's grandmother in her upcoming biopic.



15. For a split second I thought that J.Lo and Marc Anthony were going to come out and sing that Spanish song about a river or something that eventually won.

16. The very last person on Earth who I expected to sing the Spanish river song was Antonio Banderas. Was it just me, or did that song have no structure whatsoever?



17. I know it's very hard to complain about Salma Hayek in many areas, but shouldn't her English be a little bit better by now? I mean at least an ocean separates Penelope Cruz from this country, but Salma's right on the border. She's our wacky Mexican neighbor, I mean come on. Side note: I don't mean any of this, I was just looking for an excuse to post this picture.



18. When the Spanish river song won the Oscar for Best Original Song, President Brian Hughes of the Counting Crows Fan Club killed himself.



18a. I guess we know who is playing the role of Brian Hughes in this currently in the early stages of pre-production biopic.



19. Again, like mentioned in Number 17, it's virtually impossible to complain about Natalie Portman in any way, in fact she falls in the same category as Ben Kweller of "People Who Were Born on My Birthday, or Within a Two Week Span of My Birthday That are Lightyears Ahead of John Duffy in the Game of Life," but she has abnormally short arms. So by my count, I'm taller than Ben Kweller, and my arms are more proportionate to my body than Natalie Portman's are to hers. Also, I have appeared in no Star Wars movies. So there.



20. This just in: Star Jones has just been chosen to become the first ever female member of the California Raisins.



21. Why wasn't Jamie Foxx nominated for Breakin' All the Rules?



22. I finally get it. She's Asian.



23. We were all watching a pre-show interview with Morgan Freeman and his daughter Morganna, when my dad asked, "is she an actress?" After a few dirty looks from me to him, he backed down but tried to cover up his question by saying, "I thought I heard of a Morganna Freeman." He then slept for the next hour or so and asked who won the last award, which was some makeup award for Lemony Snickett's A Series of Blah Blah Gayness. When we told him this and eventually gave him the answer he groaned as if he had a lot of money riding on this award. He then slept for the next three hours. Now that I think of it, he might have had these conversations with us in his sleep.



24. Let 'em know, boss.



25. Now there's a hott young couple.



26. The comedic high point of the night for me happened during the montage of Sidney Lumet's directing career was when they showed brief clips of an upcoming movie called Find Me Guilty, starring Vin Diesel. In this movie there were courtroom scenes of Mr. Diesel where it looked like he was a lawyer, though I figured he was probably defending himself in some crime case (as it turns out, I was right). He was standing around and "acting" in a suit and the most pathetic wig in the history of film. There are only two things in this world that Vin Diesel should never wear: one - a suit, and two - hair (more specifically, blondish hair). There is no movie I am looking forward to more than this one. I guarantee you that I will see it the day it comes out, and I don't care if I have to go by myself. I plan to keep all of you updated on this soon to be classic.

27. In a post-show interview Clint Eastwood said the following on Adapted Screenplay winner Alexander Payne: "I thought his film, Election, was one of the great movies of the past six or seven years." Clint Eastwood truly is a genius. Also, I dare you to find me someone who looks cooler just standing in place. Ga head, I dare you.

28. Once again the "if you play someone retarded or disabled, you're almost gauranteed to win an Oscar" theory came true. This year's examples, Jamie Foxx and Cate Blanchett.



29. Surprisingly absent from the ceremony was the Oscar for Best Use Of Wolves in a Film, which would've gone to The Day After Tomorrow.

30. Finally, Hilary Swank deserves every award she has received this year or any year, not just for her performances, but for her husband Chad Lowe. Five years ago when Swank won for Boys Don't Cry (which you will learn is a lie in a second), Lowe famously cried his eyes out on TV for everyone to see during his wife's acceptance speech. Well I had to wait five long years, but I finally got to see him cry again tonight though it wasn't as pronounced. If it were up to me. Hilary Swank would be nominated for, and win Best Actress every year just so we can see Chad Lowe cry. In the history of the Oscars there has been nothing funnier than watching tears of joy stream down Chad Lowe's face. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find a picture of either classic performance, but lucky for me it will always be burned into my memory.

You're my hero, Chad.



That's aboot it, yo.