Failure's Art: The Promised Monster V: Broken Glass (The Baby Files, Volume 5)

I know what you're thinking - what happened to Volume Four? Well, Volume Four is the lost volume that I will give to you soon enough that I think I went over a few posts ago. Hey, if you're gonna complain I won't give you either of them, OK? Be thankful I'm even talking to you right now. Stop crying. Please? That's better.

PART FIVE: We Had Some Good Times

This newest edition of The Baby Files will be a greatest hits compilation of the summer up to this point in time riiiiiiight now. I don't have a real story here, but I do have some quotes and pictures, and when I can I'll write what I can. To start things off I want to take you back to the NBA Draft of a little over a month ago (and yes, that link takes you to the site you're already on). By now you've read the main story of what happened that day, but what you don't know is what happened before Brother and I left for Manhattan.

Good old Baby Lentini herself came down to our house a few days before The Draft, and since it's kind of on our way, we agreed that we'd drop her off at her place on our way. After I got dreesed I made my way downstairs where Brother and Baby were waiting to leave. I took my trusty, smart-looking red and black water bottle into the kitchen to fill it up with "H2whoa!", but when I got there I noticed something was wrong. Horribly wrong. On the kitchen table was the little two inch by two inch cut out of the material from Those Gates from Central Park on a larger, square blue panel, that my mom picked up when she went to go see them for some reason that I'll never understand. What was odd was that the glass square equal in size that covered the material was nowhere to be seen. As it turns out, Baby Lentini was in the kitchen cleaning sweeping the broom earlier that morning when (and this is all paraphrased from her words, mind you) the freezer door opened all by itself and the glass covered panel fell to the floor because, apparently, it was stuck in between the door and the freezer.

What you need to know about this version of the story is that it is a complete lie. The glass panel was, and always was, secure up on top of the refrigerator so that there was no chance it would ever fall unless someone walked into the fridge itself, or there was an earth quake. Now, I have no problem that Baby broke the glass because I didn't care about the material from the Gates either way. What bothered me was the fact that she made up a lie that in no way fits in with the Earth's laws of gravity. How does a fairly good sized glass panel get caught in the freezer door by itslef? Also, how in God's name does a freezer door open all by itslef? There wasn't one word of truth in her excuse. Not one. You would think that after 80+ years of life experience that she would be able to lie in a way that AT LEAST agrees with the laws of gravity. Or maybe not, who knows?

The best part of this whole story was not that she cleaned up the glass (which she did), but that after she swept the glass into the little trash transporter thingy, she wrote the words "Broken Glass" on a small piece of paper and then put the paper on top of the glass and left it like that by the trashcan. Luckily for everyone, I had my camera prepped for The Draft so I was able to take a picture. I know it's mad cliched, but you really can't make something like this up. Such is life with Baby I guess.

Such penmanship!

And now for three quick quotes from The Master. Please, for your own safety, chew slowly.

1.) We were watching a random baseball game when she said:

"You know who could play ball? That Aunt Marie (her sister). She was like a street."

2.) Later on we were watching something on John Lennon when she said:

"Who is that?" - BL
"It's John Lennon." - Brother
"Well he's not living." - BL

3.) Very recently, my dad bought her a book. Here's what she said about it:

"You know, there's a story behind this book."

Since these are three gems, a couple weeks ago I filmed her telling some stories about what it was like back in the good old days. She once again mentioned that her sister, Marie, could play some ball, though this time she left out the odd street comparison. All in all she told about four stories, and after each one she would say the said exact thing in a reminiscent tone:

"You know, we had some good times . . . but we also had some bad times."

I don't know if she knew that she was ending every story in the exact same way, but I figure that anyone over 70 who tells a story also does the same thing. All I know is that I'm not gonna wait til I get that old to use that line. It's a real powerful way to end an annecdote. You guys should try it sometime cause it works. The response that you want from your audience is one of complete silence, or at least one uncomfortable "I'm-sorry-you're-so-old" laugh. It's a real downer.

You know what isn't a downer - a birthday! Well, on second thought, after a certain age that could potentially be even worse than the standard old person end of story one-liner. Anyway, this past Sunday was Baby Lentini's 67th consecutive 19th birthday. I'll leave you with these pictures as I head off to spend a week with her down the shore. It's been real people. Don't ever say I don't give you anything.