Can I get a shout out right quick?

Right off the bat I have to admit that I'm a Barry Bonds fan. Before you stop reading let me clarify that it is mainly for fantasy baseball purposes. For the last two years before this one, Bonds has been my top player as well as the leauge's best. For those who don't know, this year he has yet to play a game because of a knee injury, and at one point he even hinted that he might retire though he's just 12 home runs away from passing Babe Ruth for second place on the all-time home run list. It has been a frustrating year for Barry and for fantasy players who own him anywhere. Since Barry hates the media (and boy do they hate him) he decided a couple months ago not to give them any updates on his knee, or a timetable for his return, which you would think would keep everyone clueless. People would be clueless if Barry did not have his wonderful website where he leaves journal entries for his fans on his progress. Now is where the story begins.

About a week ago I decided to finally visit his site to read his journal entries as well as laugh at all of the other hilarious things his site had to offer. I went to the journal section and read what he wrote and it pretty much sucked, or at least it did until it ended. Underneath his journal entries, not only does he post hilarious pictures of himself but he has a section for "Shout Outs" where he lists the names of certain fans that I can only assume would email him and ask for one. Well, I couldn't just sit there and not try for a shout out, so I decided I was going to send him and email and see what happens. On the Contact Page, above where you write your name, return email address, and message it says the following: "Send Barry a short note to show your support and congratulate him." Congratulate him? For who? For what? He hasn't played baseball since last September, so what could I possibly congratulate him for? Then everything started to come together for me, and here's what I wrote:

Dear Barry: Congratulations on your website. This is my first visit on my new computer that I just worked so hard for having never owned one before. I've had a lot of tough times much like yourself and the way you've stuck through and overcome them has been a great inspiration in my life. I just wanted to let you know that your fans will always be with you and we can't wait until you return. It would be a great honor for me if I could get a shout out after your next journal entry because just knowing that an idol of mine has read something I have written would mean a great deal. So thank you for everything and once again, congratulations.

In case you couldn't tell with your naked eye, this is an email of lies. In fact, here are the only truthful words I used: "if I could get a shout out." I thought that my best chances for a shout out would be to butter him up (not literally, that's what the steroids are for) and to compare myself with him by showing him that I am also a dedicated hard worker (lie, and what a lie) and have gone through tough times in my life (lie, but only if you don't count the time I dropped a hot dog on the grass at party). If you ask me, it's a pretty inspirational story I came up with on how I've worked so hard to save up for my first computer. Since I was required to contgratulate him somewhere in the text, I had to come up with a reason for why I'm congratulating him so late even though I'm such a big fan. It seemed fool proof to me. Barry Bonds however, is a little smarter than I thought. Not only have I not yet recieved my shout out (he's posted twice since my email), but he hasn't even emailed me back which he said he does all the time (lie, probably). I thought that I proved that I was in his corner, and if you were Barry Bonds, wouldn't you give me a shout out? If only I could join the ranks of other fans like John Patrissi, Andrew LoBue, Patryk Utulu, Tricha McKissack, the Steve Nathan family, and Henry Phillips (somehow twice - April 11th and April 20th) who have gotten their shout outs, then my wasted life would mean something. Just cause I haven't been successful yet doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying. In no way will my first email to Barry be my last. It is my goal for the summer to get a Barry Bonds shout out and I promise you that I will get one at some point. I will transform myself into the fictional John Duffy character that I created in my email and become the dedicated hard worker that my family has been waiting for their whole lives. I promise you this.

One more thing. I check Barry's journal entries a lot, and if I see that any of you get a shout out before me then I'm going to hunt you down and murder you in your sleep. This is my thing, yo. I dare you. Try it. I dare you. You've been warned.

Please enjoy these embarassing pictures of Barry Bonds as you change your now urine soaked pants:









RANDOM THOUGHT: I always wanted to be a Con-Man until I recently learned that "con" stood for "confidence" and not "condor."