Happy Birthday Rickey Henderson!!!

...for the rest of us

December 23rd only means one thing:



Failure's Art would like to wish everyone out there a Happy Festivus. If you and yours wish to celebrate here's how. I'm not looking forward to the "Airing of Grievances", but I am greatly anticipating the "Feats of Strength" matchup of my father vs. Baby Lentini. It's a Festivus miracle!



More Festivus fun can be found here. This is also a great site for any Seinfeld fan in general with all of it's scripts and junk.

That's not gonna be good for business...

That's not gonna be good for anyone.

Well at least they didn't wait til the NFC Championship to ruin things this year.

Is that a greyhound? (The Baby Files, Volume 3)

It was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving that I, 1.)realized it was only two days before Thanksgiving and, 2.)we were about due for another visit from Baby Lentini. So, late Tuesday I headed up to God's Country to pick her up and take her all the way back here to our house. What I didn't know at the time was that she had yet another doctor's appointment the next day, except this time she was finally getting her flu shot. Even though I told her many times before we left for the shot on Wednesday, she didn't actually here that she was getting this most coveted of all vaccinations. I could see her next question coming from a mile away: "well is your father getting one too?" I was ready for this with what I thought was the perfect answer that would eliminate any follow-up questions: "no, cause if he gets one than that means that some other old person out there would die." Not the most compassionate response on my part but I thought it would do the trick. What I didn't realize is that I was dealing with the Baby herself, and my mistake in judgement became quite clear a couple minutes later when she said: "well maybe I shouldn't get one then because I don't want it to be one of the bad ones." One of the bad ones? What on earth is she talking about? Apparently, she took my death response in a completley retarded sense, believing that there were flu shots out there that could kill people. Unbelievable. How does she continue to amaze me every time? I tried explaining to her what I meant but it was useless because talking to her is liking talking to a boulder. I told her that it was ok for her to get one and that she would be fine becuase flu shots are meant to heal, not wipe out the human race. I thought I had this all under control until she was actually about to get her shot when she asked the nurse: "this is one of the good ones, right?" Once the nurse said it was ok Baby felt fine because she trusts those in hospitals (from doctor to janitor) more than anyone in her family (especially me). This makes sense now that I think about it because it was some random hospital employee who was forced to give her the name "Baby" when her parents couldn't think of one in time.

The next day was Thanksgiving and in the morning before we got ready to leave for dinner, we watched the dog show that NBC was showing. I forget what dog actually won, but that's only because Baby said something during the show that made me forget about everything that came after. They were showing a Dachshund(which is better known as the "hot dog" dog) when Baby asked if that was a Greyhound. Not only was the word "Dachshund" on the screen itself for everyone to see, but even a non-dog-expert alien knows the difference between a Dachshund and a Greyhound. It's like confusing a penguin for Montana. See for yourselves.

a Dachshund:



a Greyhound:



a monkey riding a Greyhound:



a different breed of Greyhound:



Later on that day we all went up to our cousins' house for our annual celebration. Since Baby started coming with us a couple years ago, we've been able to bring our show on the road for those who don't normally get to witness her insanity. Before we ate, Baby spotted a CD (which she will forever call "tapes") and asked me if I had a copy. I went over to her to see what she was talking about and it turna out that she meant if I had a copy of Seussical: The Musical. I let her down nicely (and by nicely I mean laughing at her) and told her that I didn't own this CD. She then said that it was a good one and that it had a lot of great songs on there. I looked at the songs and she said that I probably knew most of them even though the only thing that looked familiar was the opening track, titled Overture. Baby had no idea what any of these songs were and how could she? I asked her once what her favorite movie was and her answer was, "the one with the lady and that fella." She's not that great with remembering or recoginizing any names when it comes to film, television, literature, or music so there was no way that she could know the songs in Seussical: The Musical. This whole incident reminded me of something that happened 5-8 years ago. Brother had just bought the Bullworth soundtrack that featured "Ghetto Superstar," and a preety good, pre-sellout Black Eyed Peas song. We were in the car on the way back and she looked at it and said that there were "a lot of good songs on here," which was shocking because I didn't know she was a big rap fan. That's Baby Lentini for you, always dependable for uninteded hilarity no matter the situation.

My favorite CD:



After dinner Baby started talking about how she goes to Roebics every week (aka aerobics) and how she can touch her toes without bending her knees. She's been bragging about this for years and whenever she does she winds up demonstrating for everyone in the room. I've filmed her doing this many times, and maybe someday you'll get to see it for yourselves if you're lucky. Her toe-touching display didn't go quite as smoothly on Thanksgiving though (maybe because she had nearly a full glass of wine in her) and when she came up for the second time she kept going and nearly fell over. I tried my best not to laugh and I was succesful until she started laughing which gave everybody a "get out of feeling guilty for laughing at an 80+ while she does a toe-touching demonstration at Thanksgiving dinner free card". Good times, good times. For this I am thankful.

That's all I can think of for now. If I remember anything else from this visit then I'll add it on later. Until then, the files are closed.

COMING SOON: Volume 4, and a Failure's Art year end best/worst of list.

More words from me would just ruin this for everyone

Blog Brother

This is my weak attempt to hold you over until I'm finished working on a huge post that will be up sometime soon. Ever wonder what Steve Urkel thinks about the NBA? Well now you can find out with this beautiful link. Unfortunately, to my knowledge, there is no mention of the Family Matters episode where Urkel plays in a 2 on 2 basketball tournament with Larry "Grandmama" Johnson where that classic duo winds up beating Eddie Winslow and "Spider" his teammate who he dumped Urkel for to win it all. I could watch that episode every day.

Grandmama, with his (ah, her?) React Juice: