Talkin' Talkies (6/9/06)

Welcome to a brand new weekly segment here at Failure's Art called Talkin' Talkies. Basically every Thursday or Friday I will write my reviews of the new movie releases of the week. The catch is that every review I make will be before I actually see the movie. I will determine my thoughts on each film based on what I've seen in the trailer or in commercials and then I will tell you if I think it's worth seeing or not. Also, if you think the title is kinda lame, say in a 1920s reporter's voice and you'll know why I'm going with it. People just don't use the word "talkie" enough to describe movies anymore. It's a real shame, pal. I don't know what I'm gonna do though if they ever release another silent film.

The Omen

What It Is: There should be a horror movie about awful things that happen to people who make horror remakes. I doubt that I'm the only one who is sick of all of these dumb horror movies whether they're remakes of classic horror movies from the 1970s, or from Japan, or sequels. However, these movies seem to have a large audience which is something I just can't understand. I don't think I know anyone who likes to go see these movies, yet I also don't know anyone who watches CSI and it's still the most watched show on television (I can't even begin to tell you how much that angers and confuses me). What fries my beans though is the fact that the only reason that this movie was remade was so they could release it on 6/6/06. Who is going to go out to see this movie when they can just rent the original or watch it on TV. I mean, I like Liev Schreiber a lot, but having him star in the remake of The Omen is like having Rowan Atkinson star in a remake of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad (4 mads) World. Oh wait, they did that too, didn't they?

What I Like: The kid who plays Damien seems to really want to kill his mother (Julia Stiles) which I am all for. Not matricide, mind you, but Stilesicide.

What I Don't: Julia Stiles keeps her horror movie streak alive by appearing in yet another film with Julia Stiles in it. I seriously can't look at her or listen to her speak without wanting to eat my own eyeballs. You really have to hand it to the producers on this one - they knew that there was a chance that this movie wouldn't be scary, so they brought in the safety school equivalent of awful and hideous actresses to play a lead and scare the audience regardless. Well played, The Omen. Well played indeed.

What I Think: Rent the original. If your online rental site of choice happens not to have the original in stock, and if you still want to be scared, then go watch The Prince & Me or Mona Lisa Smile instead. Those two shouldn't let you down.

Will I See It?: Nope.



A Praire Home Companion

What It Is: Robert Altman's movie version of Garrison Keillor's weekly radio show that I think I've probably heard once or twice in its 30+ years on the air. Though this movie probably makes more sense for people who are older than me to enjoy, I have liked the commercials that I've seen for this and also the trailer because it's nice to escape into an old-timey world every now and then.

What I Like: Robert Altman is one of the great directors of all time and I have enjoyed his films in the past, and I especially like the dialouge, and the fact that he always has a cast that knows how to handle his style. For example, I was won over on this talkie when I saw Kevin Kline's character say to a pregnant Maya Rudolph's character: "You might think about cutting down on the deserts, and also possibly sex with men."

What I Don't: Lindsay Lohan is in this movie (which wouldn't bother me that much if it wasn't during her Skeletor days) which sucks only because she now takes herself seriously as an actor because she worked with Robert Altman and Meryl Streep, among others. If that isn't bad enough, she also sings in this movie which can't be good. Fortunately though, the songs seem to be about subjects that don't involve her being annoyed about the paparazzi.

What I Think: I'm actually intrigued about this movie because of the director, the cast, and the overall look of things. The only thing that might hold me back from seeing this is the chance to spite the now "serious" Lohan, much like how I want to see The DaVinci Code (though I haven't read it and never will) just to spite the Catholic Church.

Will I See It?: Possibly.



Cars

What It Is: Pixar's newest awesome looking (graphics-wise) summer blockbuster that will most likely be nominated for Best Animated Feature and next years Oscar's though it actually doesn't look that good. The movie stars Owen Wilson and Paul Newman (he's primarily an actor people!) according to the billboard that I drive by on the NJ Turnpike everytime I drive up to New York, and it will definitely win the box office for a couple of weeks and then hold steady for a while after that. The problem is that I'm just not as excited about seeing this as I was about Finding Nemo and The Incredibles. I'm just not that interested in cars, even if they do talk.

What I Like: This movie will be great for kids and I'm sure that their parents will enjoy parts of it too. The animation also looks as good as ever, but at parts of commercials I've seen the wheels look weird because it looks like they might double as hands at times. Also, is it just me, or shouldn't the eyes of the cars be the headlights and not the windshields? I mean, I know that fish don't have eyebrows, and that toys can't talk, but let's be realistic here.

What I Don't: Cars are good for getting you from one place to another and as serving as a last resort for a bed for those who are recently homeless, or those who are too drunk to drive home. Other than that, I just don't get the appeal of cars, especially on the TV or movie screen, unless of course we're talking about KIT, or Doc Brown's Delorean. Also, it looks like this eventually turns into a NASCAR movie, which I guess makes sense if you're a small car with big dreams, but since I am a human who hates NASCAR, I just can't get too excited about that potential development.

What I Think: Though it doesn't look as good as Pixar's previous work, I'll probably wind up seeing it at some point out of respect to what came before it, which is kind of like what's happening to Pearl Jam right now.

Will I See It?: Probably on DVD.



Finally, each week I will also give you a heads up on what DVDs will be out the following Tuesday (though without reviews cause that will take too long).

Notable Talkies on DVD next Tuesday (6/13): Dave Chappelle's Block Party / Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang / Princess Bride Special Edition

DVD Pick of the Week (6/13): Neil Young: Heart of Gold



TVD Pick of the Week (6/13): Walker, Texas Ranger: Season One (not the best season, but at least they're getting the ball rolling).



Until next Friday.

JUST SO YOU KNOW: My next post is #100. Look for it early next week.