Kenny Lofton Visits

My absolute favorite thing about television nowadays is how most cable systems or dishes have the guide feature where you can just hit a button and see what's on TV that day, and more specifically the title of each show plus some information on the episode itself. It's almost hard to imagine television without the guide feature, and I really wonder how I ever lived without it. The same is true with cell phones (though I hate using mine) and how I feel that if I ever leave the house without one then I'll get lost or die, when humanity has survived without them for thousands of years. It's amazing how fast conveniences turn into necessities. We are a weak, weak society.

Anyway, I was scrolling through my guide yesterday and I came to BET (Bulgarian Entertainment Television) and saw that an episode of the Wayans Brothers was already in progress. Not only do I really like the Wayans Brothers show, but I also believe that it is one of the most underrated shows of the 1990s, so I wanted to watch it because I've never seen an episode I didn't enjoy (and yes I realize that Shawn Wayans is one of the worst actors of all time). Since I was late in starting the episode I hit the information button to see what the show was about and that's when I saw the three best words that I've ever see used to describe an episode - Kenny Lofton visits.



I'm assuming that most of you know who Kenny Lofton is, and if you don't then you can read about him here. All you really need to know is that Kenny Lofton was the epitome of a cool baseball player in the 90s (kinda like Rickey Henderson in the 80s, but less jerky) due to his speed and highlight reel catches in centerfield. Lofton was an all star player (six times) and a top of the line defensive player in his prime, but he was never really a guy that would go down as one of the best ever. Since the 90s ended though he has gotten older, and less spectacular though he still has put up pretty good numbers when used on a limited basis (see Phillies 2005). He was pretty much an above average major leaguer, who at best could be voted into the Hall of Fame by the veterans committee many years down the road (though that may even be a stretch).



What made the epsidoe so funny was the fact that the Wayans Brothers treated him like he was the Willie Mays of the 90s. Now I realize that praising Kenny Lofton was probably the only way they could get him to do the show, but they still went a little overboard in how they did it. In the two-thirds of the episode that I saw they referred to Kenny Lofton as a Hall of Famer at least four times. Four times! Kenny Lofton was a good player, but not that good. What made this even funnier was the fact that Lofton was actually on the screen for a total of roughly three minutes (of about the 15 minutes of actual show time that I watched). The whole epsiode was pretty much an elongated version of the famous Bill Brasky SNL sketch, with Kenny Lofton as Brasky.



After the episode ended I watched all they way thorugh the credits to see what year it was from, and it turned out to be 1997. It's amazing how far Kenny Lofton has fallen in those ten years. Now he's just an old, platoon outfielder for the Los Angeles Dodgers (who was just a slightly better actor than Shawn Wayans) who has made a nice career for himself playing a game that he loves (which in the end is all that really matters). Who knows, maybe after his career ends, he can team up with Shawn and Marlon once again and they can make Scary Movie 9 or White Chicks 2: Kenny Lofton Investigates!



While Lofton's post-baseball future remains uncertain, what is certain is the fact that I love the guide feature on my television. Without it I probably would've just watched another episode of Boy Meets World where Shawn explains how he's different from Cory with yet another trailor park analogy. In fact if I had to choose, I'd probably pick the guide over the cell phone if I had to get rid of one of them for some odd reason. That's where I am in my life.

Aren't you jealous?

ONE MORE THING: Happy Belated Ryan Howard Day!