Hey, Mike Schmidt...

...you look like you have something to say. Well, do you?



INTERESTING MIKE SCHMIDT FACT: I was once the subject of a message left on his answering machine.

BeardQuest 2007

If you've learned one thing after all of these years of reading my wonderful words it's that I go off the deep end and take awards nominations that don't really mean anything way too seriously. If you've learned two things about me it's that one, I go off the deep end and take awards nominations that don't really mean anything way too seriously, and two, when I can't think of anything else to write about, I wind up writing about my facial hair, or lack thereof. Well, we've once again reached that special time where I feel that I absolutely must let you know what's going on with the hair growth on my giant freak head.

As of yesterday afternoon at around 1:39 Easten Standard Time I felt like I had reached the special point in every man's life where he feels like he must know what he looks like with a fully grown beard at least once before he dies. Since I've become seriously addicted to heroine and 18th century firearms over the past month, I feel like I better get this out of the way soon because I may not have much time left (although that gun club I'm now in is really cool - we hunt and shoot only the rarest of house cats and then get Fribble milkshakes to celebrate). I now consider myself officially on my BeardQuest. As you know, I came close before with my 1995 Mark McGwire goatee, but that really doesn't count towards the BeardQuest because it only covered about 35% of my face and was lame. I already have nearly a two week start on my latest shot at glory and I plan on sticking through this as long as I can.

Luckily, it's been kind of cold in Philadelphia this week so all of this itchy facial hair has yet to really bother me. It is important that it starts to get cooler soon for my Quest purposes (although I'm sure ManBearPig has something to say about that) because I have decided to let the underchin hair go unshaved. This will be my hardest test of all because that is the itchiest and hottest facial hair imaginable, but on the other hand, what's the point of going on BeardQuest if you aren't going to challenge yourself? I am up for the challenge.

You might also be thinking if I will cut my real hair in order to balance things out so my head stays cooler. The answer is no I will not. While the rules of BeardQuest don't specifically state that it is illegal to cut your hair during your journey, it is certainly frowned upon if you do so. I plan on sticking to the unwritten rules. Come mid-September I plan on looking like Teen Wolf at least from the neck up, though unfortunately I will not aquire Teen Wolf's basketball skills. I plan on being more like the street-clothes-man-about-town version of Teen Wolf than the van-surfing-basketballing version, athough I'm sure I will have the bottled rage of both versions. (Note to self: buy Teen Wolf on DVD, but try not to purchase the version that also comes packaged with Tean Wolf II).

Right now is where I would say "let the BeardQuest begin," but it already has and I missed my chance. So instead I say, "let the previously started BeardQuest successfully continue!"

IN BeardQuest RELATED NEWS: Don't be too surprised if BeardQuest dies by Sunday.

IN OTHER NEWS: Myself and my friend and member of the Failure's Art Reporting Team (or FART), Mike, are huuuge fans of current Phillies utility man/pinch hitter, Greg Dobbs (if you're on facebook, you already know that). Recently, Mike won two autographed and game used Greg Dobbs items during a silent auction at a Phillies game: a bat and a helmet. In order to show our appreciation for the greatest bench player ever to play baseball (this year for the Phillies) we made a YouTube tribute video in his honor last Friday night while we were at least somewhat drunk. Well, this past week I sent the video into my favorite Philadelphia sports blog (the700level) and they were nice enough to put it up for everyone to see. So, as a result, I'm kind of blowing up right now. Greg Dobbs fans from all across the Delware Valley now know of my greatness, and frankly, it's about time. So, in order for the rest of small sections of this great country to truly appreciate just how awesome I am, here is the700level link with the video. It's no sock puppet fighting AIDS, but it's still pretty good. Mount up!