Hey, Mike Schmidt...

...you look like you have something to say. Well, do you?



INTERESTING MIKE SCHMIDT FACT: I was once the subject of a message left on his answering machine.

BeardQuest 2007

If you've learned one thing after all of these years of reading my wonderful words it's that I go off the deep end and take awards nominations that don't really mean anything way too seriously. If you've learned two things about me it's that one, I go off the deep end and take awards nominations that don't really mean anything way too seriously, and two, when I can't think of anything else to write about, I wind up writing about my facial hair, or lack thereof. Well, we've once again reached that special time where I feel that I absolutely must let you know what's going on with the hair growth on my giant freak head.

As of yesterday afternoon at around 1:39 Easten Standard Time I felt like I had reached the special point in every man's life where he feels like he must know what he looks like with a fully grown beard at least once before he dies. Since I've become seriously addicted to heroine and 18th century firearms over the past month, I feel like I better get this out of the way soon because I may not have much time left (although that gun club I'm now in is really cool - we hunt and shoot only the rarest of house cats and then get Fribble milkshakes to celebrate). I now consider myself officially on my BeardQuest. As you know, I came close before with my 1995 Mark McGwire goatee, but that really doesn't count towards the BeardQuest because it only covered about 35% of my face and was lame. I already have nearly a two week start on my latest shot at glory and I plan on sticking through this as long as I can.

Luckily, it's been kind of cold in Philadelphia this week so all of this itchy facial hair has yet to really bother me. It is important that it starts to get cooler soon for my Quest purposes (although I'm sure ManBearPig has something to say about that) because I have decided to let the underchin hair go unshaved. This will be my hardest test of all because that is the itchiest and hottest facial hair imaginable, but on the other hand, what's the point of going on BeardQuest if you aren't going to challenge yourself? I am up for the challenge.

You might also be thinking if I will cut my real hair in order to balance things out so my head stays cooler. The answer is no I will not. While the rules of BeardQuest don't specifically state that it is illegal to cut your hair during your journey, it is certainly frowned upon if you do so. I plan on sticking to the unwritten rules. Come mid-September I plan on looking like Teen Wolf at least from the neck up, though unfortunately I will not aquire Teen Wolf's basketball skills. I plan on being more like the street-clothes-man-about-town version of Teen Wolf than the van-surfing-basketballing version, athough I'm sure I will have the bottled rage of both versions. (Note to self: buy Teen Wolf on DVD, but try not to purchase the version that also comes packaged with Tean Wolf II).

Right now is where I would say "let the BeardQuest begin," but it already has and I missed my chance. So instead I say, "let the previously started BeardQuest successfully continue!"

IN BeardQuest RELATED NEWS: Don't be too surprised if BeardQuest dies by Sunday.

IN OTHER NEWS: Myself and my friend and member of the Failure's Art Reporting Team (or FART), Mike, are huuuge fans of current Phillies utility man/pinch hitter, Greg Dobbs (if you're on facebook, you already know that). Recently, Mike won two autographed and game used Greg Dobbs items during a silent auction at a Phillies game: a bat and a helmet. In order to show our appreciation for the greatest bench player ever to play baseball (this year for the Phillies) we made a YouTube tribute video in his honor last Friday night while we were at least somewhat drunk. Well, this past week I sent the video into my favorite Philadelphia sports blog (the700level) and they were nice enough to put it up for everyone to see. So, as a result, I'm kind of blowing up right now. Greg Dobbs fans from all across the Delware Valley now know of my greatness, and frankly, it's about time. So, in order for the rest of small sections of this great country to truly appreciate just how awesome I am, here is the700level link with the video. It's no sock puppet fighting AIDS, but it's still pretty good. Mount up!

Too Many Mothef***in' Ants!

So before I head up to the NBA Draft to harass a bunch of young athletes on the biggest night of their lives I thought I might share a couple things with you. I know that I've somehow managed to bring my post frequency down to one (sometimes two!) a month, but I assure that there probably is a reason for that, though I can't really think of one. Since I'm going to the Draft tonight, I guess you could expect a post about that, but at this point, who knows?

ONE: Steve Zahn (of Saving Silverman and, ah, Sahara? fame) was on Conan last week talking about his farm and about how he has some goats. But these aren't just your normal goats or else why would I mention it? These goats are special because they are something called Fainting Goats, and if you clicked on that link, or are about to watch the youtube clip below then you would know why these are the only kind of goats for me (there's something I never thought I'd say). Anyway, enjoy these goats and come visit me in about 5 years when I can guarantee that I'll have at least one of them.



To be fair though, I also faint every time I see an umbrella.

TWO: I was watching Frasier the other night on Lifetime (when you think about it, it makes sense) and I saw a commercial for an upcoming Lifetime original movie called Destination: Infestation. In case you couldn't tell from the awesome title, this movie which stars Jessalyn Gilsig (of Nip/Tuck and Heroes fame) and Antonio Sabato, Jr. (of an episode of the Outer Limits fame, who according to IMDB trivia "enjoys exercising") and it's basically just Ants on a Plane instead of Snakes on a Plane. This gem of a film premiers on 07.07.07. on Lifetime, and though I probably won't be around that night to see it, I will most definitely record it on my DVR. To my knowledge this isn't a sequel, which I guess is good because it won't taint the original Snakes in any way. Why Lifetime would wait over a year to capitalize on the hyp that Snakes failed to deliver, I don't know. All I know is that it's free and that it couldn't possibly be as bad as Talladega Nights (I didn't even come close to thinking of laughing once). In case you weren't convinced, here's IMDB description of Destination: Infestation:

While on a flight home from Columbia, the plane that Dr. Carrie Ross and her daughter are on, is attacked by bullet ants - whose sting is the most painful and deadliest on the planet. Joining forces with air marshal Ethan Hart, Dr. Ross, an entomologist, tries desperately to save the flight from disaster. In the end, their struggle brings them closer together and offers the couple hope for the future.

Sold.

THREE: The Twirl Master has returned:



I counted 12 on-screen twirls. Who knows what happened off-screen.

"I think he's doing the 'dice thing' too much."

From Berlin Down to Belize

I got a post in for May! Woohoo! This post guarantees that the only months I've never posted in has been every September since this blog has existed - a fact I can't explain. Anyway. things will pick up in June (as I have lots of lots going on) but until then, I'll leave you with a blast from the past.

As for the following. It's nice to see that the lead singer from Rockapella (I always imagined his name to be either Barry or Roscoe) is still getting work, albeit with some sort of pharmaceutical a-Capella super-group. Anyway, if you love Carmen Sandiego (Best. Game show. Ever.), or Astelin, then this is for you.





If you guys want to watch a full Carmen Sandiego episode, here's one (parts two and three have links to the right). I think The Chief is dead isn't she?

Even Gluttons Gotta Eat

First off: Congratulations to Jesus for winning The Masters yesterday. Just a great round from our Lord and Savior. Outstanding! He picked a great vessel in Zach Johnson, and in the end it was Tiger's lack of faith and not his putting or driver that cost him his 5th Masters. Repent, Tiger. Repent. He rose from the dead and won The Masters all in one day! Rejoice and be glad!

Second off: Yesterday might have been the greatest Easter ever for television programming. Let's just go over all that I watched yesterday.

1-4: Phillies at Marlins (yes, they lost, but it's still baseball)
3-7:30: The Masters
7:30: a very special episode of Diff'rent Strokes onDemand that dealt with racism and appendicitis
8-9: The Tudors in SHO HD onDemand
9-10: The Sopranos (guess what? nothing happened)
10:30-11:10: the Shallow Seas episode of Planet Earth on Discovery HD
Still Left to Watch: the Open Plains episode of Planet Earth

Just So You Know: Planet Earth is easily the greatest and most beautiful thing I've ever seen on television. Aside from all of the reality garbage, we really are living in the Golden Age of television, with Planet Earth being the reason why TV was invented.

Aside from that, I just wanted to post some pctures and videos from the amazing Dr. Dog concert I saw last Thursday. If you like me but don't appreciate their awesomeness, then I'm sorry but we just can't be friends anymore. It's just that simple.









The Pretender:



Ain't It Strange (outro):



I Hope There's Love (encore)



Dr. Dog is coming home down here for a concert this Friday if anyone wants to go...

October 16, 2007

Hopefully Crank Prank Time Phones exist in the real future because I'm not going to be able to wait this long for GTA: IV. I've watched this trailer 10 times already.



I'm going to be pretty busy for most of April so don't expect much coming from me (not like anyone still does or ever did). Who knows though, I may have a surprise or two for you at some point, so don't completely forget about me just yet.