In case you haven't figured it out yet, these posts are about as easy to do as clip show episodes from your favorite mid-90s sitcom. Whenever I can come up with about 10-15 things to say, I'm going to write them down whether they're funny or not. Plus, I just wanted to get these out of the way so I can fully enjoy the Wilco concert in some random New Jersey city tomorrow night.
And we're off...
If you know me, then you know that I love it when I see random people wearing player specific sports jerseys or t-shirts, just so I can say, "hey, there's Chris Webber," when it's actually just some skinny, white 14 year old kid in a Chris Webber jersey. That joke will never get old for me, and if it somehow does, then I might have to kill myself. This thought was brought to you by Pat Burrell.
I have a question for you. Have you ever been sitting at home reading a book, or watching TV when you thought to yourself, "I'm thirsty, I think I'll go get a glass of water?" Of course you have. Now, when you were done pouring that glass of water, have you ever thought to yourself, "this water really needs a slice of lemon." No, of course you haven't. So why, may I ask, do restaurants always insist on putting a lemon slice on the rim of a glass of water whenever I order it when I go out to eat? I want water, not water with an annoying amount of lemon to ruin the experience. You can't give an easier oder in a restaurant then a request for water (and that includes asking for extra napkins). All they need is a working sink and a glass. If I wanted a lemon to ruin my water, I'd ask for it. You think it would be nearly impossible to ruin an order for just water, but every restaurant does it. This has been reason #815 why I hate going out to eat.
Is it just me, or has a new lousy horror movie come out each week for the last 16 months, and then wound up being number one in the box office the following Monday? Are creepy little mutant girls with deep voices, or little Japanese boys who meow like cats really that scary? If I want to be scared I'll go see a Robin Williams movie.
Speaking of movies, I recently saw a preview for
Poseidon, and it took me until two days after to remember Kurt Russell's name. I don't know who should feel worse, me or Kurt Russell.
Does anyone else associate letters with certain colors, or is it just me? For example, A = red, B = orange, C = yellow, D = green, E = blue, F = purple, and so on. You know, this might actually reveal a lot about me, and in turn solve all my problems. Or maybe not.
Whatever coolness factor you gain by owning and riding a motorcycle, you lose as soon as you drive side by side with another dude on a motorcycle. Even a motorcycle with an occupied side car is cooler than that.
If you are a girl, and are wearing glitter on your person, and are talking to me all at the same time, then I guarantee you I am not paying attention to what you are saying. I'm easily distracted by shiny things. Now you know.
Why do we as humans automatically dismiss things that we don't like to the birds. How many times have you heard someone say something like, "this movie is for the birds," or, "this automatic transition is for the birds." I don't think it's a very good idea to pass along everything to the birds, because they can be a useful ally sometime in the future. There is no species that we as humans should fear more if they turn on us more than the birds. Think about it. There are birds everywhere and they can all attack us pretty easily whenever they want, in packs or individually. A bird can attack you while you're walking down the street, or driving in your car without any notice. They even have spies in some houses and apartments. We need the birds on our side for our eventual war with the bears. So, I'm begging you to please from now on pass off things you don't like to the bears because they are our true enemy, not the birds.
Just so you all know, FOX's
The War At Home, is still on the air and producing new episodes. The only reason that I can come up with is that it's on between
The Simpsons and
Family Guy. Are you telling me that
Arrested Development wouldn't have worked in that time slot. The whole world is hooked on the
Family Guy, so they waste a perfectly good chance for the greatest show ever to stay on the air and build an audience to please their fans and critics just so they can give the world another awful Michael Rappaport vehicle. We get it - he's awkward and can't act. Enough already! I hate FOX more and more every day.
Speaking of FOX, can someone please tell them to cut back on the commercials for
House? I watched the first few epsidoes last year mainly because I enjoyed
Jeeves and Wooster whenever I watched it, and it didn't take very long for me to realize that every single episode is exactly the same. Let me break it down for you:
- A really sick person comes into the hospital.
- House, a genius but jerky doctor, doesn't want to take the case because he hates sick people and being bothered.
- House is pressured by his familiar-faced woman boss to take the case.
- The person is sick with some rare disease that no one's ever heard of.
- House, and his team of lesser doctors try to figure out what disease the person has.
- They all decide on one disease and try to treat it from there.
- Though what they thought was the disease is very rare, the real disease is actually super-rare.
- In order to save the patient, House either has to kill him/her, or blame the patient's spouse/parent for trying to kill said patient.
- House uses some unethical (but right) treatment to cure the patient, and gets yelled at by all the other doctors and his boss.
- In the end it all works out, but some secret super important mystery from House's past is revealed that gives us an idea on why he is the way he is today.
- The credits then run with a preview for next week's episode which is exactly the same as the one you just watched.
These episodes are almost as formulaic as
Walker, Texas Ranger, and in the end I'd much rather watch a slightly gay episode of
Jeeves and Wooster.
If I was to become a rapper, I'd call myself Playa Piano, and just rap while a player piano played in the background. Hey, if reggaetone works with every beat being EXACTLY THE SAME, then why wouldn't Playa Piano work? I need to follow up on this.
When I first saw an ad for
Akeelah and the Bee on the side of a bus a week ago, I thought it was going to be a remake of one of those random African tales that would be featured every now and then on an episode of
Wishbone. Now that I know that it's not about that, and that it actually looks pretty good, I want to see it. Also, I'm still waiting patiently for
Wishbone to be released on DVD. Aren't you?
Can someone please explain the Pussycat Dolls to me? What's the point of calling yoursleves a band when only one person sings every song and the rest just dance around seductively? Yes, they're hot, I get it, but there's got to be more to it than that. Even Ace of Base would let those two weird Swedish guys rap on a song every now and then (which, if you ask me, was the best part of every song). Someone needs to explain this to me. The should just call themselves, Whatever the Singer's Name Is and the Pussycat Dolls. The singer is clearly the only one with talent, and it's only going to hurt her in the end by carrying around all the dead weight. I've really thought to much about this considering the fact that I obviously hate them and all their songs. In the end, I think I just wanted to find a reason to mention Ace of Base.
Hey, Jon Heder - enjoy being typecast as either a slightly gay retarded guy, or a slightly retarded gay guy for the rest of your career. Gosh!
Reason #2342 why I love Philadelphia: I recently went up to my local coinstar machine at the ACME near my house to change my coins into roughly thirty dollars. When I went to get the money changed to bills at the customer service station I had to wait in line behind a woman in her late 50s. Behind the counter there were two DVDs on display for sale -
Brokeback Mountain and
Narnia. The lady in line asked the lady behind the counter (who was also in her late 50s) if she could get her "one of those DVDs." Here is the exchange that followed:
Lady Behind Counter: "Which one - the gay one, or the Jesus one?"
Lady in Line: "Ahhhh, the gay one."
I think a great idea for a spinoff on Bravo's,
Inside the Actor's Studio, would be
Inside the Reenactor's Studio, also hosted by James Lipton. Wouldn't you love to hear Lipton ask questions to a Civil War reenactor (for example) about what it's like to have to keep that specific 1860s facial hair year round, or praise him for the choices he made as a Confederate infantryman during the reenactment of the Battle of Antietam in 1989? Please explain to me how this wouldn't be better than a normal episode featuring Jennifer Lopez or Matthew McConaughey.
Finally, if I was to open a hip-hop themed seafood restuarant, my favorite item on the menu would have to be the fresh and delicious Flipmode Scrod.
