Failure's Art: Bad Day Sunshine

Well I’m back from a brief little vacation from posting that took me nowhere at all. I’ve been thrown off my normal schedule of stuff lately thanks to the daylight savings time change. The way my bed is set up I have a window above my feet and to the right if I’m on my back. Now, since it gets lighter earlier, a ray of light comes through my window and hits me in the face every morning before I’m about to wake up which puts me in a homicidal mood. So I keep trying to avoid the light by moving closer to the wall, but it feels like the light follows me wherever I go. As a result, I feel like I have to sleep more just so I can get back at the sun for waking me up early every morning. This has led to bad results so far because I get so tired that I can’t wake up anytime before noon which throws me off for the whole day. I’m in a funk here and I don’t know how to get out of it because I refuse to get up earlier because the sun wins that way, and I hate the sun. What good is it to have something you can’t even look at? I’ve been fighting battles with the sun my whole life and I have yet to win. I’m getting sick of this because I know that the sun isn’t going anywhere no matter what I do. You suck sun.

You know what else sucks? That’s right, America. We’re in another football/sex controversy thanks to the opening from Monday Night Football the other night which I’m sure you all know about by now. You can’t turn on any news or sports program now without people talking about it. What happened to this country? The worst part about all of this is the fact that Terrell Owens is in the center of everything again and all he did was cooperate with a network. It wasn’t T.O.’s idea and I know that no one is blaming him, but I think that it’s funny that he is involved in the controversy of the week no matter what he does. Another thing about this is that ABC is gonna run Desperate Housewives into the ground. First of all, it’s a pretty good show, it’s not a show that I look forward to, but everyone else in my house does so I have to watch it. The show is nowhere near as good as ABC is making it out to be. Between the way FOX is promoting House and ABC’s Jesus-like worship of Housewives, I’m starting to want hockey to come back. Wait, no I’m not. One more thing on this, next year ABC is coming out with a new show about me called Indifferent House-Son.

Moving onto ESPN programming, the finale of Dream Job was last night, and for those who don’t know Dream Job is ESPN’s American Idol except instead of overrated singers, we have phony-voiced anchor wannabes. This time around though the finals came down to the only 2 guys that I didn’t hate, Grant Thompson and David Holmes. Grant Thompson is an actor in his late 20s who some might view as annoying and stuck-up, who as it happens is currently the guy in that Pizza Hut commercial who says everything twice to the delivery boy (“alright alright, my man my man”). I thought that he would have fit in better as an anchor, but the wild-card of the competition, David Holmes wound up winning because he did a better job last night, even though he was nothing better than average for most of the season. This isn’t the story though for me. The story for me is that I have now come across three people named David Holmes in my lifetime.

The first David Holmes was the guy who was the runner-up to that freak Jesse Camp in MTV’s VJ contest of the late 90s. Holmes #1 was more qualified than Jesse, but he had no personality which explains his loss, but MTV wound up hiring him anyway and he stuck around for a couple years after that. David Holmes #2 was a forward for Manhattan College’s basketball team who destroyed Fordham everytime he played against them even though he was undersized and awful at basketball (which tells you a lot about Fordham basketball). David Holmes #3 was the guy who won Dream Job who I just talked about above. So, what does all of this mean? There is no better-than-average/exciting David Holmes in existence on the planet, and maybe in the history of humans. If you ever come across another David Holmes in your lifetime, whether he’s #4 or #191, he’s gonna be very average at what he does, but he’s always gonna wind up getting the job done and somehow being better than everyone around him. I hope you never come across a David Holmes because he’s only going to make you scratch your head and want to commit suicide, or so it has been written.

David Holmes #1: