Ear Wax America (The Baby Files, Volume 2)

Well I've delayed this as long as possible so let's get right into it before I forget everything. I went to pick up Baby last Thursday and I figured that it would be a non-doctor's trip visit, which I learned a little bit later that this wasn't the case and here's why. On my way to pick her up I called her from the car to tell her that I'd be there to get her in 20 minutes. After a few rings she picked up and here's what followed (I'm screaming every line by the way):

Me: Hello.
Baby: What? Hello? Who is this?
Me: It's John.
Baby: Hello?
Me: It's me, John! Hello?!
Baby: Hello?
Me: I'll be there in 20 minutes!
Baby: Oh, hello Marylin.
Me: What? No, it's me John!
Baby: No, my son isn't picking me up til later and my grandson has an interview.
Me: This IS your grandson! It's John! Turn on your hearing aid!
Baby: Sure, I'd love to come over for coffee. My son won't be here for a while.
Me: No he won't! It's me, John! I'll be there in 20 minutes!
Baby: No, I haven't heard from them. I'll be right over.
Me: What? It's John! My God!
Baby: Alright, bye bye.
Me: AHGHGHGAHGHGAHGH!!!

Well this made me furious but I figured she didn't have her hearing aid turned on since she never does. So I waited a minute and called back. After she realized that it wasn't my mother talking to her, she said that she'd be ready but she had to tell her neighbor she wasn't coming over for coffee. Little did she know, but her neighbor never invited her over for coffee, but I somehow did while talking to her just seconds before. When I got to her place she tried to explain all this to me but I had to tell her that it ws me that she was talking to the whole time and that neither my mother or someone named Marylin was talking to her. This probably would have made sense to her if she could hear me, which she didn't. I told her that she needs to turn her aid on and put the phone up to that ear, not the stone deaf one. I went on to ask her why she doesn't want every advantage possible for her so that she can communicate with others. As I was saying this we were stopped at a red light next to a copy store called, CopyPaste&Print. She said, "wow, I didn't know they put a restaurant over her now." I asked her what she was talking about and she said, "look, it says pasta." Yes, that's some restaurant. You can go there and copy some documents and have a nice Italian meal while everything is being printed. I wanted to tell her that it said "paste" and not "pasta" but I would've had more luck explainig that to an acorn, so I just left it alone.

Later that night we were all sitting around watching TV when we noticed a high pitched tone that was driving us crazy. It came from Baby’s hearing aid, and she couldn’t get it to stop no matter what she tried. It felt like my ears were burning so we just decided that she should turn it off for the night. When I woke up the next morning I found out that a doctor’s appointment had been made to try to figure out why we couldn’t make that noise stop. I couldn’t have been happier to hear this news, and I have no idea right now if I meant for that to be sarcastic or not. When we got to the doctor’s we had to go see the technician who I hoped to God would figure out how to fix everything because I was even hearing that awful noise when the hearing aid wasn’t even on. Well, as it turns out (and this is gonna get really gross here so I’ll try to speed through it), Baby had a wall of ear wax behind her hearing aid that somehow managed to get inside the little holes in the aid itself. This was causing the high pitched hiss that was driving us all so crazy and the technician said she could clean it out, but that Baby also had to have the wax taken out of her ears. So I went with her to another room where a doctor was going to remove what I could only have imagined was more ear wax than usual. At this point in time, Baby decided to tell that doctor that she had never had her ears cleaned so there was roughly 80 years of wax buildup in her tiny head. Well that was about the worst thing for me to hear, but things got even worse soon enough. The doctor went on to take out about a football field’s length of wax out of her. He asked me if I wanted to see it or not (which was kind of immature on his par I might add), to which I responded, “not at all, thank you.” Unfortunately for me, and now all of you, I was too late. I’m not gonna describe it to you because I think of done enough hear about it already without describing it to detail, but let me tell you, I wish somehting that horrific on no one. No one.

With Baby’s hearing aid working perfectly again there were no more hilarious misinterpratations for the rest of the weekend, just the normal nonsense stuff that she says. For instance, she thinks that every TV show and movie has the same format of The Apprentice, where “everyone’s trying to make money.” We could be watching anything form a football game to The Simpsons and she would expect that Trump would come out of nowhere and fire someone. Well, she thinks this is the case with almmost every show actually as we learned while watching a segment on her favorite all-time show, The Lawrence Welk Show on the news or maybe 60 Minutes on Sunday night. Everytime she comes down she wants to watch Lawrence Welk, but we always say no because there has never been a more retarded show in exsistence. For those who don’t know, The Lawrence Welk Show was a musical variety show from many decades ago that featured cheesy songs that brainwashed millions of old people then and old people now who enjoy watching singing cowboys in sequenced silk shirts. The piece we were watching was about how popular the show is even though it was taken off the air over 30 years ago, and also now that Welk has been dead for five years. Baby didn’t take it this way though and she thought that it was a programming note telling us that the show was on that night at 8:00 which obviously wasn’t the case. We told herthis and since she could hear us now we have to believe that she understood us. She went onto say that she would gather together with her family and friends and watch the show, and dance to the music when it used to be on for real. From this story, we got these two fantabulous quotes, both directed to my father:

1.) “I could jitterbug with everybody, but not your father.”

2.) “You should’ve seen grandma dance. She was a good dancer.”

Well as you could imagine, this threw us into histerics, especially my dad. This all happened when they were in their 40s or 50s, not teenagers, and God knows how old my great-grandmother was. I would’ve loved to have been alive and at one of these dance parties to see established grownups dancing to the lamest music that ever existed. Now that I know this happened, I’ll never be able to live with myself.

gay cowboys not pictured:



As for the last couple days of her visit, nothing worth noting really happened, except that she asked us a few time if we had the air conditioner on, even though it was 50 degrees outside and November. So she spent all her time covered under her jacket, which she does all year round, no matter the temperature.


Baby's tired from all that jitterbugging. 

The trip ended with another meal at the Robin Hood, this time without the french fries comment which disappointed me greatly. She did however keep forcing them down my throat like she always does so that was at least some consolation. Until next time, the Files are closed.

gay cowboys pictured: