Normal Again

***I apologize in advance for anyone this offends (with "anyone" meaning anyone who matters).***

Well I was riding high for about a week there. The Red Sox had just won eight straight games and their first World Series in 86 years, new South Park episodes were back again (and even though Turd Sandwich lost the election, I was still happy), and Terrell Owens danced his way into my heart with the greatest TD celebration of all time. Halloween even went well even though a bunch of lousy kids cleaned out my house's supply leaving me with only 3 mini Butterfingers. The voting even went better than I expected it would, which I said before. It was one of the best weeks of my life, and it was gonna end with what I had hoped would change the next four years of my life. Ah, but the gods of victory and happiness only had so much in store for me, and the more familiar gods of losers and despair came back and roundhouse kicked me back down to reality. If you hadn't figured out already, I'm talking about the cancellation of Comedy Central's Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, the in-your-face step-brother of the Daily Show. I will now have to go back to watching the Seinfeld reuns on Fox at 11:30 but that's fine because I don't mind watching up to 8 episodes of that classic show a day.

I'll miss you, stupid!:



If you haven't figured out by now, I wasn't being completely honest about Colin Quinn (though that's probably the best picture of him that exists), his cancellation is more of a side dish to the cancellation of my liking this country. I'm not really as upset as you might think I am because I'm so used to watching everything that I root for lose (the Red Sox victory was merely a joyful hiccup in my tortured existence) that the Bush victory wasn't a big shock for me. I had just expected too much from the gods of victory and happiness, and I kinda even knew in the back of my mind that my enjoyment of life was about to run out, though I thought it would last me through the election. This also taught me that I put way to much faith into that Redskins last loss before the election theory. I was being toyed with, and that's cool cause at least I'm back to my normal life again and I have nothing more to expect.

Bush actually winning for real this time isn't as bad in my mind compared to the people that voted for him. I stayed up until 5 AM Wednesday morning, and wound up going to sleep holding onto the belief that more than half of this country wasn't retarded. When I woke up early Wednesday afternoon, this belief was shattered and my fears came true. It was over. My country officially sucks now. I looked at the map of results just to see what it finally looked like even though Iowa still wasn't decided though we all knew what the result would be. I got to thinking, and I have to tell you that it actually had nothing to do with the states that Kerry won, though seeing the blue made me realize something. What do the red states contribute? Really, I need to know. Aside from Disney World, parts of Virginia, and of course, the World's Larget Ball of Yarn, why are these states even part of the union? The blue states were the only ones that I had any desire to go to anyway before the election, and now especially after. All of these states are partially bordered on water, they all have cool and unique shapes, and they all have some sort of character, at least in my mind. The red states are all mostly flat, with born-again "moralists", and the potatoes and corn and wheat or whatever else they contribute is overrated. These are the people responsible for making Blue Collar TV and country music succesfull. These are the people who have kept Mad TV on the air for what seems like 48 years, and who understand what "hemi" means. These are the people whose corner store is thirty miles away and use their children's foreheads for ashtrays. These people are the ones who have never seen a gay person or been attacked by anything other than killer bees. They're all moral enough to be racists, homophobes, hunters, and incest practicers, though a pointless war doesn't seem to bother them.



I feel like I need to make this next point clear: I have nothing against Republicans, they're cool with me as long as they live in the important states. I know for a fact that they even agree with me about the red states. This isn't political at all, remember that. Though I might not agree with all their beliefs, I know that they're at least smart enough to pick them. Yes, I know that I generalized and stereotyped a large portion of this country, and yes, I see the irony in that. I just wanted to make it known how much of an intelluctual and cultural wasteland there is here, and how unfortunate it is that they have become the representatives of Americans worldwide.

So this is my proposal to everyone in the important states (and before you attack Wisconsin think about the cheese). How about we secede from the reast of the country. We all have the water access, and we have a good amount of cows and whiskey to last us for a few years. I really want to get the ball rolling on this one. All I need to do now is think of a new name. New America maybe. No, wait we secede but we keep the name America and call the waste states "Moralia". Yeah, that's what we'll do. Who's with me?


ONE MORE THING: I made a map of my plan for the new country but I can't show it to you until I figure out how to put it on the site since I did it in Paintbrush. Yes my computer is old, thank you. Do the newer ones even have Paintbrush anymore? Until then, please enjoy this map on the migration habits of the Robin.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: Expect Baby Files, Volume II in the next couple of days. Baby is at my house now and her trip has been fantabulous so far. Looks like Monday or Tuesday as of now. I gotta write everything down that's happened so far right now before I forget it. Goodbydios.