El Duffo's Oscar Thoughts

1. Well I guess we all know who is going to play Sidney Poitier when his biopic comes out after he dies.



2. Speaking of that, was there a more perfectly timed death in the history of life than Ray Charles'? I was convinced that Ray was going to win the best picture to go along with his Album of the Year Grammy, Westminster Best In Show Blue Ribbon, and Best New Autopsy Morgy.

3. Sticking with the death theme, I can't wait to see the "Academy Award Tribute to those who died in the past year segment" when I'm much older because it's going to be stacked with a whole bunch of people I've heard of. Don't get me wrong, tonight's list was star-studded, but it's gonna be awesome when I'll be able to recognize at least 85% of the people in the future.

4. Also, while watching the Tribute, I said to those who were watching with me, "do you realize that we're watching the footage of Yo Yo Ma that the Academy's going to use for this segment when he dies?" It really made me feel like I was a part of history. Until then, Mr. Ma.

5. I know 98% of the white people you'll come across will say that they enjoyed Chris Rock's performance tonight, but I really did enjoy it after having expected the opposite. Before the show started I was skeptical becuase, in my opinion, he peaked five years ago and this performance could have been as stale as his last HBO special. I'd have to say that he really came through though. It would've been nice if they started the show with him instead of that retardedly long opening montage of the movies through the years narrated by Dustin Hoffman. Also, the whole Magic Johnson Theater segment was Conan-esque.



6. One of the 2% of white people that did not enjoy Rock's performance was of course, Sean "IS THAT MY DAUGHTAH! IS THAT MY DAUGHTAH!" Penn. Did he vow during the monolauge that he would defend the honor of Jude Law to the death? Man was that homo. He must've thought that somewhere Jude Law was sitting alone in his trailer on the set of Gattica 2: The Return of Gattica or Colder Mountain, watching the Oscars alone and crying his eyes out after getting torn apart Chris Rock. Dude was in six movies this year, B.

7. I swear that Imelda Staunton has been nominated for her performance in Vera Drake for something like twelve straight years now. Maybe I'm stretching things a bit but it really does seem that she, or someone like her in an eerily similar role, is in the running every year. I'll get my fact team working on this one.



8. Jamie Foxx's daughter needs braces.



9. I can't begin to explain to you how happy I am that The Gayviator lost out on most of the major awards (except for Cate Blanchett, or as Star Jones inexplicably pronounces it, "Cate Blawn-shwa"). Better luck next time, Brows McGee.



10. If Brows McGee was to ever win a Best Director Oscar it would have to be for the movie starring Larry David as a Jewish mob boss from Season 3 of Curb Your Enthusiasm. The only fake movie I would want to see more than the Brows/David Joint, would be The Three by Donald Kaufman from Adaptation.

11. Am I really wrong, or shouldn't the winner of Best Original Screenplay be AT LEAST nominated for Best Picture. I know that a wholelotta other stuff goes into the filmmaking process, but I would think that the story itself plays a very important role. The best part of the whole night for me was when Charlie Kaufman and others won for Eternal Sunshine. By my count he should have 3 assorted Screenplay Oscars by now.

12. It's amazing how every single year all the nominees for Best Documentary Short, Best Animated Short, and Best Live Action Short think that this night is all for them. Oscar is indeed smiling on you, Chris Landreth.



13. P. Diddy said the following in a post-show interview, "the fashion has been impeccable." Way to make a career off the death of your best friend, Diddy.



14. I guess we all know who will be playing Jamie Foxx's grandmother in her upcoming biopic.



15. For a split second I thought that J.Lo and Marc Anthony were going to come out and sing that Spanish song about a river or something that eventually won.

16. The very last person on Earth who I expected to sing the Spanish river song was Antonio Banderas. Was it just me, or did that song have no structure whatsoever?



17. I know it's very hard to complain about Salma Hayek in many areas, but shouldn't her English be a little bit better by now? I mean at least an ocean separates Penelope Cruz from this country, but Salma's right on the border. She's our wacky Mexican neighbor, I mean come on. Side note: I don't mean any of this, I was just looking for an excuse to post this picture.



18. When the Spanish river song won the Oscar for Best Original Song, President Brian Hughes of the Counting Crows Fan Club killed himself.



18a. I guess we know who is playing the role of Brian Hughes in this currently in the early stages of pre-production biopic.



19. Again, like mentioned in Number 17, it's virtually impossible to complain about Natalie Portman in any way, in fact she falls in the same category as Ben Kweller of "People Who Were Born on My Birthday, or Within a Two Week Span of My Birthday That are Lightyears Ahead of John Duffy in the Game of Life," but she has abnormally short arms. So by my count, I'm taller than Ben Kweller, and my arms are more proportionate to my body than Natalie Portman's are to hers. Also, I have appeared in no Star Wars movies. So there.



20. This just in: Star Jones has just been chosen to become the first ever female member of the California Raisins.



21. Why wasn't Jamie Foxx nominated for Breakin' All the Rules?



22. I finally get it. She's Asian.



23. We were all watching a pre-show interview with Morgan Freeman and his daughter Morganna, when my dad asked, "is she an actress?" After a few dirty looks from me to him, he backed down but tried to cover up his question by saying, "I thought I heard of a Morganna Freeman." He then slept for the next hour or so and asked who won the last award, which was some makeup award for Lemony Snickett's A Series of Blah Blah Gayness. When we told him this and eventually gave him the answer he groaned as if he had a lot of money riding on this award. He then slept for the next three hours. Now that I think of it, he might have had these conversations with us in his sleep.



24. Let 'em know, boss.



25. Now there's a hott young couple.



26. The comedic high point of the night for me happened during the montage of Sidney Lumet's directing career was when they showed brief clips of an upcoming movie called Find Me Guilty, starring Vin Diesel. In this movie there were courtroom scenes of Mr. Diesel where it looked like he was a lawyer, though I figured he was probably defending himself in some crime case (as it turns out, I was right). He was standing around and "acting" in a suit and the most pathetic wig in the history of film. There are only two things in this world that Vin Diesel should never wear: one - a suit, and two - hair (more specifically, blondish hair). There is no movie I am looking forward to more than this one. I guarantee you that I will see it the day it comes out, and I don't care if I have to go by myself. I plan to keep all of you updated on this soon to be classic.

27. In a post-show interview Clint Eastwood said the following on Adapted Screenplay winner Alexander Payne: "I thought his film, Election, was one of the great movies of the past six or seven years." Clint Eastwood truly is a genius. Also, I dare you to find me someone who looks cooler just standing in place. Ga head, I dare you.

28. Once again the "if you play someone retarded or disabled, you're almost gauranteed to win an Oscar" theory came true. This year's examples, Jamie Foxx and Cate Blanchett.



29. Surprisingly absent from the ceremony was the Oscar for Best Use Of Wolves in a Film, which would've gone to The Day After Tomorrow.

30. Finally, Hilary Swank deserves every award she has received this year or any year, not just for her performances, but for her husband Chad Lowe. Five years ago when Swank won for Boys Don't Cry (which you will learn is a lie in a second), Lowe famously cried his eyes out on TV for everyone to see during his wife's acceptance speech. Well I had to wait five long years, but I finally got to see him cry again tonight though it wasn't as pronounced. If it were up to me. Hilary Swank would be nominated for, and win Best Actress every year just so we can see Chad Lowe cry. In the history of the Oscars there has been nothing funnier than watching tears of joy stream down Chad Lowe's face. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find a picture of either classic performance, but lucky for me it will always be burned into my memory.

You're my hero, Chad.



That's aboot it, yo.

My Jinx Theory

I've been thinking a lot about the Super Bowl over the last week or so, though I've been trying my best to do just the opposite, wich is impossible. I'm not gonna write anything about the game because it kills me knowing that it was there for them to win which everyone else on the earth but the actual team seems to know. What I wanna talk about is how a couple of people are blaming Codor for the loss because he mentioned it in his list two posts ago. It's partially my fault for "publishing" it but the way I saw it was that I didn't write it, and that it was already included in the email that he sent me so I had to leave it in. If I cut it out then I would just be making it worse because it had been written already, and the jinxness of it had already been put into motion. What I've come to realize though is that Codor was nowhere near important enough to jinx things for the Eagles, and neither am I, and neither are any of you who still remember this blog exists. There are about 3 people in the world whose jinxes mean anything: the Pope (though his jinx power is getting weaker everyday), Richard Roeper, and Juan Samuel
(who was once cuaght saying, "I guarantee you that the Mets would never trade Lenny Dykstra to the Phillies for me"). If any of those three people walk up to you and say something like, "wow, Pete, you're gonna get that promotion you've deserved for years," or "hey, Sally, I guarantee you that your pregnancy won't result in retarded quintuplets," I hate to say it but you're not getting a promotion (and you might even get fired), and at least four of your quintuplets will be retards. Those are just the facts of life. So feel free to make any bold predictions, or guarantees because you're simply not important enough to jinx anything. If your favorite team loses the biggest game on earth, it's not your fault, it's just they way it's supposed to be, that's all. So don't fret, Codor.

Juan Samuel jinxes things like he used to hit triples:



SOMETHING I HAVEN'T LIED TO YOU ABOUT:

(from Homecoming part III, 10/14/04) After the game ended we decided to just drive to a movie theater and see whatever was playing by the time we got there. The winning movie that coincided with our plan was Friday Night Lights which I kinda wanted to see, and turned out to be much better than I expected, and I think I'll buy the DVD whenever it comes out.

So there's proof I've kept a promise to you at least once.

SOMETHING I'LL BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO FOR AWHILE:

On February, 22 these three things will be at my Best Buy.

-Josh Rouse's, Nashville

-Adam Green's, Gemstones

-Season Five of South Park on TVD

With the exception of at least one other person I know, Tuesday could not possibly be bigger for anyone else alive. I hope that day lives up to the same hype that Fantasy Wednesday did for me on December 18, 2002.

RANDOM THOUGHT(s):

-"No tear" shampoo doesn't really mean anything to me because if I get shampoo in my eyes I'm gonna cry anyway because I'm so disappointed in myself.

-What was Navy blue called before the first Navy?

-The word "flashback" looks better in italics. The word "italics" also looks better in italics.

ex. - flashback / flashback
ex. - italics / italics

-I can't believe I made it through the whole post without a Tedy Bruschi joke/insult. I must be getting softer in my old age, I guess.

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday?

Well, I missed that one.

2004 List Dealie

I hope to make this premeire Failure's Art "List Dealie" the first of many to come over the next 14 years until my contract with Blogspot has ended. On the first Friday in February in the following years I will publish my very own Best Of list for the previous year. Why February you ask? The answer is simple, I'm ginormous amounts of lazy. It's a fact that hopefully you've grown to accept over the course of my reign of terror, and in fact, 2005's list probably won't be out until October of 2008. Get used to it suckas. You're all lucky I even do this at all.

Politics:

I'm starting of this list with two lists that aren't even mine. If the links still work you'll really enjoy this one and this one.

Gay Ex-New Jersey Governor of the Year: Christie Todd Whitman

Television:

Reality show of the year: (tie) Average Joe 2/WB Suoerstar USA (these are the only two reality shows I would ever watch again or buy on DVD)

Show I wish was on 24 hours a day: Arrested Development

Worst cancelled news of the year: Playmakers (I will never forgive ESPN and the NFL for this)

Television Event of 2004: Man vs. Beast 2

Thank you, ABC: Lost

Film:

While it's true that I didn't see nearly as many movies that I wanted to, I couldn't imagine that there were any movies better than:

3.) Napoleon Dynamite

2.) Eternal Sunshine

1.) Million Dollar Baby

Movie Superstar that 2004 lacked: DJ Qualls



Sports:

Top Six Philadelphia Let Downs

6.) The Flyers losing to the Lightning - only because it's the last hockey I'll ever see

5.) That little Asian woman beating El Wingador in the Wing Bowl - This just in, El Wingador took back the crown today when he beat her by one wing. Amazing.

4.) Saint Joseph's - They should've made it into the Final Four, and they would have if Jameer took a 3 at the buzzer instead of some lame long 2 pointer.

3.) The Philadelphia Phillies - The solution to all their problems? You guessed it, John Lieber.

2.) Eagles 3rd straight loss in the NFC Championship - I seriously can't remember anything about this game right now.

1.) Smarty Jones losing at Belmont - The Eagles would've been number one, but I was there in person to see this hopefully last championship loss until sometime after Sunday.

Music (top 15):

I know pretty much every blog or whatever on the internets likes to put up their top albums list so they can show everybody how cool they think they are. So aren't I doing the same with my music list? Nope, it's February. People don't even care by now. I'm so nonconformist that I'm doing mine over a month after all those nonconformist-conformists (pictured below).



15.) Grandaddy (Artist's Choice) - Below The Radio
Grandaddy's Jason Lytle put together a mix CD of his favorite songs and sold it to a few people out there which I think was a great idea. Just the very thought alone puts this into my Top 15, and I hope that other bands would do the same thing because it's nice to get a feel of what the guys you listen to, listen to on their time. Artists included are Beck, Earlimart, Snow Patrol, Fruit Bats, Pavement and others. My pick though is Grandaddy's very own Nature Anthem, which is a simple song and would make a mmix put out by Failure's Art from these 15 albums.

14.) K-Os - Joyful Rebellion
Codor himself first introduced me to this Canadian rapper when he played me the song, Dirty Water, from this album that features Canadian rock god Sam Roberts. I only got to tlisten to this CD once through, but it made a good enough impression to make the list. My mix cd pick - Crabbuckit.

13.) Keane - Hopes and Fears
I first heard of Keane in August while in Ireland. Though they can be a tad gay at times, this guitarless English band intrigued me enough to buy at Best Buy after I had returned home. Plus, the fact that it was $6.99 didn't hurt. Interesting fact - the album cover in the US is white, while overseas it is green. Mix pick - This Is The Last Time.

12.) Cake - Pressure Chief
This latest Cake album made it's Failure's Art debut when this site did. In fact, the whole process of going to buy it really motivated me to write stuff for you people to read and later forget about. I just love Cake to begin with and this album delivered again for me like their previous releases. Another funktastic effort from Sacto's finest. Mix pick - Dime.

11.) Ted Leo & The Pharmacists - Shake The Sheets
I saw these guys on Conan over a year ago and I always considered them a fringe band of mine (meaning that I can see them being good enough for me to buy at some point, but not yet good enough to land softly on the green) that I always wanted to know more about but couldn't commit to. When I saw that they had a new CD I finally decided to get it and when I finally did I realized that they were good enough for the green, as well as heavy rotation in my car. Mix pick - Me & Mia.

10.) The Thrills - Let's Bottle Up Bohemia
Codor and I saw these guys with Adam Green and Phantom Planet in April, I guess right before they went to record their latest realease. Their first album was very California-ey, especially for Dubliners and was an obvious Duffy favorite. Bohemia, while probably not as good as their first album in the eyes of real critics is my more favorite of the two, and still California-ey enough for Josh Schwartz to use on The OC when he feels like it. Mix pick - Faded Beauty Queens.

9.) Simple Kid - 1
Simple Kid is a dude from Ireland who Conan also introduced to me this summer. While some might say Simple Kid's apparent lankiness rivals only that of Brian Hughes, his performance had me running out the next day to buy this alternative, country, funk and sometimes rap mix of a masterpiece. You can listen to this CD no matter what kind of mood you're in. He's a great grab-bag of music that exceeds anything a going-out-of-business baseball card store owner can put together. Mix pick - Drugs.

8.) Earlimart - Treble & Tremble
Earlimart's contribution to this list is a tribute to their friend, Elliott Smith that isn't quite on his level, but right below it. The soft and sad melodies are there, as well as a voice that does its best to channel their departed friend, with a sound that also includes Grandaddy. I really enjoyed this the first time I heard it, but it all made sense when I found out what was behind it which made me like it even more. Mix pick - Heaven Adores You.

7.) Ambulance LTD - self titled
It took me a couple of listens to dispose of my poser thoughts (I'm looking at you, the Killers) about this band (their scruffy looking and wear their fathers' blazers, what did you want me to think?) and I'm really very pleased that it happened. If I was to make a list of coolest albums of the past year this would almost definitely be my number one choice. Unfortunatley, I lost my copy a little while ago and haven't been able to find it though I bet it's somewhere in the car, probably under Al's sweatshirt. Mix pick - Sugar Pill.

6.) Ben Kweller - On My Way
Ben Kweller is 23 years old and was born on the same day that gave the world yours truly. He's got two classic albums (at least in my mind), is happily married, and gets paid to play music that he writes. Up to this point, all I've got on him is height. I've got a lot of catching up to do. Mix pick - Hospital Bed.

5.) Phantom Planet - self titled
This third effort from the bad that used to feature Max Fischer on the drums is probably the most forgotten album from the past year. It was realeased last January and has stayed as fresh in my mind as anything has recently. Thanks to a popular Fox show mentioned above, everyone on the planet knows about these guys, and would probably be a little shocked after hearing this album for the first time. This is a straight up rock your socks off garage band type album that was unfairly compared to the Strokes who are now probably to wasted and dirty to realize that they should try mixing things up once in a while. Like the other two PP albums, it's my favorite while listening to it, which I can't say about many bands out there. Mix pick - Knowitall.

4.) Rilo Kiley - More Adventurous
We here at Failure's Art would like to officially thank T-Brizzy for introducing us to this band in the fall of 2003. Driving on various turnpikes would not be nearly as fun had I not known about this brilliance. Rilo Kiley has also helped me realize that it's hard to sing along when the lead singer's voice leaves you breathless and not at all embarrassed to sing the line "your husband will never leave you for me." Mix pick - Portions For Foxes.

3.) Wilco - A Ghost Is Born
As 76ers play-by-play man Marc Zumoff would say, "hold on Steve, we're coming in for a landing." We're getting into the big boys on this list, and Wilco leads it off with yet another work of art, and we would be wrong to accept anything less. After having the great honor of seeing these guys along with The Flaming Lips on New Year's at MSG with the Great Codor, I was especially turned on to these guys like I have been with only one or two others in the past. Obviously, I recomend every album on this list, but I'm for serious when I say that this is a must get for even my deaf readers, because what eveybody say about these guys is true. Mix pick - while my favorite is Spiders (Kidsmoke) I'm going to go with Theologians because it might be a little too much to have two ten minute tracks on a mix, which leads me to...

2.) Green Day - American Idiot
Green Day is a band that I grew up with, that has in turn grown themselves more than anybody probably ever thought they would. I don't like to throw the word masterpiece around (though this very list might prove otherwise) but American Idiot is one in every sense of the word, musically. I waited for this to come out for a long time and was skeptical when I got it because it's a rock opera/concept album which means one of two things - it crashes and burns, or becomes an instant classic that would make Chris Fowler "salvivate." Not too much out there can floor me, esocecially something from a punk/pop band that's been around for 15 years, but this did and more. If you want to have any idea what I mean just relax 10 minutes and listen to my mix pick - Jesus Of Suburbia.

1.) Elliott Smith - from a basement on the hill
Earlier in the history of this blog I drunkenly wrote that this was the album of the millennium, and I'll stick by that as long as humanly possible. It took me until after his death to really get into him like I have which is as bittersweet to me as this as of now final release of his was to the rest of the music world. For me Elliott Smith is right up there with the Beatles, up so high above everyone else. I don't think it's possible for me to recommend any artist more than this one and if you're still missing out it's never too late to appreciate his brilliance. Mix pick/song I'm not worthy of - King's Crossing.

Best U2 Album of the Year: The Devins - Waves

Worst U2 Album of the Year: U2 - How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb

Finally:

Best Moment of 2004: When I found my Mattel hand-held Classic Football game that I thought was lost forever.



Best Possible Moment of 2005: No comment, I'll leave that for...

Codor's Jinx-tastic List (copied and pasted from email form because I'm lazy and my fingers are tired)

Best Album

1.) A Ghost Is Born-Wilco, who else would I pick- believe that!

The others in no particular order
Ambulance Ltd., Sonic Youth Sonic Nurse, K-Os Joyful Rebellion - proving that Canadians are better than most of us even in the rap game, Simple Kid 1, Rilo Kiley, More Adventurous, Earlimart Treble&Tremble, Elliot Smith FABOTH, Gomez Split the Difference, Green Day American Idiot, Jon Brion- everything he did that came out this year, The Thrills Let's Bottle Bohemia, Pavement- the reissues, Ted Leo& The Pharmacists Shake the Sheets,and all the stuff i took of mytunes but have not listened to yet.

Best Moment of 2004- Red Sox
Best Upcoming Moment of 2005-Eagles winning on Sunday

Back to me for one last thing I don't want to forget.

Picture of the Year:

Could it really be anything else?