Jack & Pope

I really hope I didn't overhype this (like NBC did with the Seinfeld "Yada Yada" episode) but here we go. While I was writing yesterday's awesome picture wristband post I got a call from my mom at work. Normally these are just checkup phone calls ("you didn't light the house on fire again did you, John?"), "come and pick me up" phone calls, or my favorite, the "please get a life" phone calls with the usual ending of, "I'm so sick of looking at you." This call was different though becuase she informed me that my father, Jack Duffy, was interviewed for local news channel CBS-3, EYEWITNESS NEWS!. Here's a dramatization of the phone call:

Mom: "So your father was interviewed for channel 3 today."
Me: "Oh really? What for?"
Mom: "Well he and a bunch of his lawyer friends went down to the Cathedral for a Thanksgiving Mass for the new Pope."
Me: "Oh, dear God."
Mom: "That's right. They went down during lunch, and he was interviewed when he came out."
Me (on the verge of tears): "Whyyyyyyyyyy? WHYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????"
Mom: "So you have to watch for it at 4:00."
Me: "So let me get this straight - there was a Mass for the new Pope?"
Mom: "Yes."
Me: "And Dad went to it? With lawyer friends? Why is he like this? What is wrong with that man? Who has friends like that? Is he my real father?"
Mom (laughing): "Well, you know him."
Me: "Yes, unfortunately. What did he say?"
Mom: "They asked him his thoughts on the Pope, and I think he was positive."
Me (not unsarcastic): "Well this is just gonna be great. What time are you gonna be home? Do you need a ride, or is God-Boy taking you home?"
Mom: "No, we're leaving after 5. My God I'm sick of looking at you. Goodbye."
Me: "Ah, bye."

So, not only did I have to sit through an interview of my father on local television (THANK THE DEAR LORD it wasn't national), but I also had to sit through a half hour of local news, which might actually be worse. Finally, they promised that story would be on at 4:30, and when it came around it didn't disappoint (and by that I mean it totally did). Now, just so you know, on the scale of My Father Embarassing Me, this interview fell somewhere between him wearing the all teal Marlins hat for most of the 1990s and him singing with an Irish brogue at pretty much every public event we go to as a family. I'll set up the interview for you now.

It started out in the CBS-3 studio with a little piece on the Pope's first day of his new job, which showed him unlocking the door to his apartment, and saying Mass:


"There's no hope with dope." - Pope Benedict XVI 

After that segment they went to some Lady Reporter (forgot her name so that's what I'll call her from now on) who was standing outside the Cathedral in Center City Philadelphia. She gave a summary of the Mass and they showed a clip of it:


"I agree with the Pope's views on dope, . . . ah, and let us pray, I guess." - Father Maginnis  

Lady Reporter then went on to show interviews of local Catholics coming out of the Mass, and this is when the magic happened. Good ole Jack was the first one they showed and I was ready. In his brief moment he said the following:

JD: "The truth is the truth, and I believe the Pope speaks the truth."

I was taking this picture of the screen at the time and I nearly fell down when he said that. It felt like he said the word "truth" about 89 times in that one sentence. In fact, he most likely set the record for the use of the word truth over the shortest amount of time, and it was on TV for everyone (who was watching) to see. Unfortunately, I took the picture before his name and where he was from could come up on screen because I wasn't sure how long he would be on air. Here's what I got:


"Truth truth truth truth truth truth truth truth Pope Pope truth." - Jack Duffy 

I have to admit, he looked pretty OK and they got him from a good angle. He told me later on that he was scared that the camera was focused on his Guinness tie which you can only kind of see if you look closely. The best part of the whole interview (and I thank my lucky stars for this) was that he wasn't wearing a bow tie which he does from time to time. If he had the bow tie on this moment definitely would've surpassed the Irish brogue (Code Orange) singing incidents on the Embarassment Scale above. I hope that I never get to see Code Red, or Fuscia, or whatever gayness it is. The Lady Reporter then sent it back to the studio and that was that:


"That Jack Duffy sure is insightful. Back to you, Ken!" - Lady Reporter 

The plus side of all of this is that I now get to say the word "truth" non-stop whenever he talks to me if I feel like doing so, which I most definitely will. Also, it really could've been a lot worse, but he didn't embarass the family as a whole, just me. I can live with that because it's happened in so many different forms in the past. Another plus is that is was only on at 4:30 and in the Philadelphia area which is major. I know that all of you will think I made a much bigger deal out of this than I should've and that it wasn't that bad or bad at all, but that's my job as his son, and it's his job as my father. It's a special thing we have, and that's the truth.

And you're welcome for the cheeztastic ending.



***Happy 50th post to me! Happy 50th post to me!***

I should have at least twice that by now. My bad.

Bring Back Picture Wristbands NOW!

Over the last couple of days I was talking to some people I know about the greatest trend to ever hit Major League Baseball - personalized player picture wristbands. I remember seeing these wristbands on certain payers like Barry Bonds, Eric Davis, Darryl Strawberry, Eddie Murray, and the late great Pedro Guerrero. I was amazed that these players were actually wearing pictures of themselves on their person. In fact, if I could only own one piece of baseball memorabilia it would be a Pedro Guerrero picture wristband which I would then wear everywhere I went, including weddings, funerals, and Chili Con Carnivals. However, in these conversations I was the only one who remembered this exciting fashion statement of the late 80s and early 90s, which scared me nearly to death. Questions started swarming through my brain. Was this all some dream I had? Did these wristbands ever exist? Doesn't the new Pope look kinda evil? If this was a dream then what is wrong with me? Thankfully, we humans have the internet to find out if things we might've dreamed are true or not. After minutes of searching, I was able to come up with these pictures (some of which might be links cause they're huge) to prove my sanity. Enjoy!

Eddie Murray:



Darryl Strawberry:



Eric Davis and Darryl Strawberry (covered up, but you can bet they're there)

Pedro Guerrero (warning this is the best I could find - look in the middle and bottom right baseball cards):



and finally, The King of Picture Wristbands, Barry Bonds.

Pre-Juice Pirates version:



Pre-Juice Giants version:



Juiced Giants version:



So, as you can see, these examples prove that I am not crazy and didn't dream these up. The fact that I cared enough to prove that I wasn't crazy and then post the evidence on the internet might show that I actually am crazy, but at least it's not for the reason that I feared initially. If certain current day MLB players (I'm looking at you Carlos Delgado, Cliff Floyd, Preston Wilson, Gary Sheffield, and possibly Ichiro) brought these wristbands back, it might do baseball some good by shifting the focus from steroids to awesome picture wristbands. At least one person on each team should have to wear these and everything will be OK again. Wouldn't this be right up Sammy Sosa's alley? I think so. Bring the wristbands back! Someone needs to start an online petition, but not me cause I already did my part by helping those who forgot to remember, and by informing others who had no idea they ever existed. Feel free to use my name and link this entry for those who want to learn more. We CAN make a difference! Too bad nobody reads this site anymore. Oh well.

On the flipside, and awful baseball/sports trend will forever be shoving itself down my throat whenever I watch television or movies. Why do writers/directors/wardrobe people think people always play sports in jeans? Whenever someone is playing baseball, football, or basketball in a TV show or movie they are always wearing jeans. Every single time! Occaisonally you see people playing basketball in shorts (like in last night's instant classic episode of The Office), but most of the time they're in tight jeans. I don't know about you, but I've never known anyone who plays sports in jeans. The only time that ever happens in real life is when you get someone to play with you who wasn't expecting to play any sport and didn't bring a change of clothes so he plays in jeans by default. This misconception needs to stop. Jeans may be comfortable but they are not meant for baseball practice or pickup football games. So, just in case you lost track, here's where I stand:

1.) Bring back the awesome personalized picture wristbands to Major League Baseball.

2.) TV and Movie producers/whoever-is-in-charge, please stop having your actors play sports in jeans cause that never happens.

Well, this all feels so much better now that it's in writing. Thank you for your time.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: The most horrifying post of my lifetime will be tomorrow's entry so please come back to check it out. I'd post it right now but it would take away from what I wrote above. Believe me, YOU WILL WANT TO SEE THIS. If you like seeing examples of me being scarred for life than you won't want to miss this, though ideally, I would.

Do It Rockapella!

So since the Phillies were off last night, I was able to focus all of my attention to the 4,000,000th Red Sox/Yankees game of the first week of the season. For the fourth straight year we here at my house purchased the MLB Extra Innings pass so we were able to watch the game on NESN (New England Sports Network) with Don Orsillo and RemDawg instead of that oaf Chris Berman on ESPN. Early on in the game, as I'm sure most of you know by now, Doug Flutie caught a foul ball down the first base line. He was there for the Red Sox of course and after the foul ball NESN's Eric Freed went down to Flutie's seats to interview him. In the interview Flutie said that (including this game) he has now caught a foul ball in the last FOUR MLB games his been too. This is quite possibly the most amazing stat/streak I have ver heard of in my life. Four straight games! Four! How unbelievable is that? In about a million games that I've gone to I've been lucky enough to catch one foul ball - a chopper down the third base line at The Vet in 1991 or 1992 off the bat of (at that time future scab player) Kim Batiste. That moment was very easily one of the best of my lifetime because not only did I catch a foul ball at a Phillies game but they also put me up on Phanavision for the second time in my life (the first being with the Phanatic by the dugout a few years earlier). Since then I've come close a few times to catching another one whether it was during batting practice or the real game, but I just can't imagine getting four . . . in a row. Who knows, maybe Flutie has caught more than four before this most impressive streak. He's some sort of magnet, and this is just one more reason to add to the argument that he is better than Rob Johnson.

Flutie can catch, but not hit:



Rob Johnson can't do anything:



In other news, I got the lastest issue of Rolling Stone last week (pictured somewhere below, probably), which was part two of two their Immortals series. I couldn't begin to tell you how sick I am of these gay list issues RS keeps publishing. Guess what Rolling Stone? I don't care what Jerry Lieber and Mike Stoller think of The Drifters, or what Sheryl Crow thinks of The Eagles. Sweet Jaysus this drives me crazy! This is about the 89th straight cover of this magazine to llok this way. NO MORE LISTS. Thank God Weezer is making their first appearance on the next cover. I wish I could only subscribe for the non-list issues, but I'd probably only get three magazines a year.



Finally, after downloading a million TV theme songs the other night (which I seem to do every 2 years) I wish there was a channel that showed the following series on a continuous loop:

- Pinky and the Brain

- Gargoyles

- Carmen San Diego (each version)

- Daria

- I'm With Busey

- Darkwing Duck

- Dr. Katz

- Charles In Charge

- and finally, the greatest show in TV history, Wishbone

I think you would all agree that this would be the greatest channel of all time. If I can think of any others I forgot I'll mention them some other time. Unless this channel somehow gets created, I know for a fact that I will never see any of these shows again in my life, and that isn't even close to being right. It's such a shame. Thank God Boy Meets World and Knight Rider are still on every now and then or I'd be this close to suicide.

ONE MORE THING: I'm going to my first Phillies game of the year tonight to see my boy Gavin Floyd take on the Braves. Since I go to many many games a year, I'll try to post whatever pictures I take so you can see how great Citizen's Bank Park (from here on out will be referred to as, The Bank) and how great the Phillies could be if they don't decide to suck. Baseball! Yay!

Not my picture of Gavin Floyd:



TAX DAY RELATED RANDOM THOUGHT: What are taxes?




***VOTE ALLEN IVERSON FOR NBA MVP***

***VOTE JOHN DUFFY FOR POPE*** -- I need work!

So much for that idea

Looks like no Ron Mexico jersey for me.

What I can't believe is that there is actually some guy named Ron Mexico. This might be even better news than the fact Vick used that name for his alias while getting tested for The Herpes. The real Ron Mexico must hang out with Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo and my personal favorite, Guy Incognito. I know I would if that was my name.



Also, I wouldn't be doing my fake job if I didn't have a link for RonMexico.com. So there.

The Ron Mexico Experience

Well, if there was one story on the face of the earth that would bring me out of retirement, it would be this one. Just minutes ago, I visited rotoworld.com to check up on assorted fantasy baseball injuries when I noticed this headline, "Vick aka ''Ron Mexico'' sued for allegedly infecting woman with STD." I clicked on the link not really knowing what to expect, but hoping more than anything that this story was about overrated NFL superstar, Michael Vick and not some other guy named Scott Vick or Thaddeus Vick. Well I lucked out. Right now I'm laughing too hard to try to put my own spin on this, but I don't think that there could ever be an alias that tops Ron Mexico, which Vick used to get tested for The Herpes, which he wound up giving the woman who slapped this lawsuit on him. Even though Michael Vick has The Herpes (much like Delonte West) and gives them to whomever he meets, you gotta give him a wholelotta credit for coming up with the greatest alias in the history of life. You can read more on this story by clicking here which will take you to the Smoking Gun (which is where the rotoworld article sent me). Come football season I'm almost definitely getting a personalized Falcons jersey with "Mexico" on the back and number 7 underneath it. So in conclusion, thank you Michael Vick for giving us something this good to make fun of you with so early on in your career. This will never get old. Never. God bless America . . . and The Herpes.

Michael Vick, enjoying life and herpes down Mexico way:



Just imagine seeing "Mexico" instead of "Vick":



Delonte "Herpes" West:



Finally, from the random quote department, this comes to us from the Johnny Damon interview on Conan that just happened while I was writing about Ronny Mex:

"You've got great hair, so I'm glad you show it off all the time." - Johnny Damon to Conan O'Brien.

Unfrozen Caveman Centerfielder: