Kenny Lofton Visits

My absolute favorite thing about television nowadays is how most cable systems or dishes have the guide feature where you can just hit a button and see what's on TV that day, and more specifically the title of each show plus some information on the episode itself. It's almost hard to imagine television without the guide feature, and I really wonder how I ever lived without it. The same is true with cell phones (though I hate using mine) and how I feel that if I ever leave the house without one then I'll get lost or die, when humanity has survived without them for thousands of years. It's amazing how fast conveniences turn into necessities. We are a weak, weak society.

Anyway, I was scrolling through my guide yesterday and I came to BET (Bulgarian Entertainment Television) and saw that an episode of the Wayans Brothers was already in progress. Not only do I really like the Wayans Brothers show, but I also believe that it is one of the most underrated shows of the 1990s, so I wanted to watch it because I've never seen an episode I didn't enjoy (and yes I realize that Shawn Wayans is one of the worst actors of all time). Since I was late in starting the episode I hit the information button to see what the show was about and that's when I saw the three best words that I've ever see used to describe an episode - Kenny Lofton visits.



I'm assuming that most of you know who Kenny Lofton is, and if you don't then you can read about him here. All you really need to know is that Kenny Lofton was the epitome of a cool baseball player in the 90s (kinda like Rickey Henderson in the 80s, but less jerky) due to his speed and highlight reel catches in centerfield. Lofton was an all star player (six times) and a top of the line defensive player in his prime, but he was never really a guy that would go down as one of the best ever. Since the 90s ended though he has gotten older, and less spectacular though he still has put up pretty good numbers when used on a limited basis (see Phillies 2005). He was pretty much an above average major leaguer, who at best could be voted into the Hall of Fame by the veterans committee many years down the road (though that may even be a stretch).



What made the epsidoe so funny was the fact that the Wayans Brothers treated him like he was the Willie Mays of the 90s. Now I realize that praising Kenny Lofton was probably the only way they could get him to do the show, but they still went a little overboard in how they did it. In the two-thirds of the episode that I saw they referred to Kenny Lofton as a Hall of Famer at least four times. Four times! Kenny Lofton was a good player, but not that good. What made this even funnier was the fact that Lofton was actually on the screen for a total of roughly three minutes (of about the 15 minutes of actual show time that I watched). The whole epsiode was pretty much an elongated version of the famous Bill Brasky SNL sketch, with Kenny Lofton as Brasky.



After the episode ended I watched all they way thorugh the credits to see what year it was from, and it turned out to be 1997. It's amazing how far Kenny Lofton has fallen in those ten years. Now he's just an old, platoon outfielder for the Los Angeles Dodgers (who was just a slightly better actor than Shawn Wayans) who has made a nice career for himself playing a game that he loves (which in the end is all that really matters). Who knows, maybe after his career ends, he can team up with Shawn and Marlon once again and they can make Scary Movie 9 or White Chicks 2: Kenny Lofton Investigates!



While Lofton's post-baseball future remains uncertain, what is certain is the fact that I love the guide feature on my television. Without it I probably would've just watched another episode of Boy Meets World where Shawn explains how he's different from Cory with yet another trailor park analogy. In fact if I had to choose, I'd probably pick the guide over the cell phone if I had to get rid of one of them for some odd reason. That's where I am in my life.

Aren't you jealous?

ONE MORE THING: Happy Belated Ryan Howard Day!

Not So Random Thoughts Vol. I

Stop the presses folks. It looks like I'm keeping a soft promise. This is a historic day for all of us here at FA and I'm happy we get to share it with you. As for this post, it's just gonna be a bunch of short thoughts that aren't worthy of a longer entry. In other words, it's the perfect way for me to say as much as possible while also being as lazy as possible. This might just be the start of a long friendship.

- I only just recently found out that I've been spelling "impostor" wrong my whole life, which makes me a spelling impostor.

- Ask any of my college roommates, or my brother, and they would tell you that I said they should've killed off Tony Soprano at the end of season four. So, they come about as close as possible to doing that so far and what happens? Well, in my opinion, the second episode of the season was the best one that I can remember in a long, long time and it looks like the third episode might be even better. What happened at the end of the first episode saved the seires.

- In related news: Sal Paolantonio - Gay?

- Does any name sound weirder if you drop the "ie" at the end of the name than Scott Pippen?



- I'm sure you know this, but Donald Trump has named his brand new, state-of-the-art, number one in the ratings baby son, Barron. My question is, are you sure that Donald Trump was the one who named this baby? The Donald Trump I know would have named his baby, Trump Trump, instead of Barron Trump. I think Donald Trump is really dead and some lookalike has taken his place. Remember, this is the guy who named water after himself. Something fishy is going on here. I'm gonna have to start playing the most recent Apprentice episodes backwards to look for clues.

- Is there something wrong with me because I kind of want to see that Stay Alive movie?

- The only reason that I would ever become a doctor would be for the white doctor jackets with the pocket cut-outs that go directly through to your pants' pockets. I call them "dockets."

- By the way, since I met Kyle Korver the Sixers are on a one game winning streak, and the man himself scored 23 points while going 6-7 from three point range. What's up, Kyle.

- I gave up eating meat on Fridays for Lent. Yes, I realize that you're not supposed to eat meat on Firdays during Lent in the first place. I'll have you know that I've always ignored that rule. So, technically I'm giving up ignoring Lent's biggest rule for Lent. I guess I'm still one in the hole.

- The lameness of the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and Jay Leno in general, can all be summed up by his outro music. Well, there's that and the fact that he only wears jean shirts and jeans when he's not on the air.



- Has there ever been a good movie that has used that "Taking Care of Business" song, or the song where that guy screams, "Hey! Hey! Hey! HEY!" in the trailer, or TV commercials?

- Speaking of that, for the new Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, is he supposed a cable guy or a health inspector? Maybe he's both a cable guy AND a health inspector. Am I the only one confused by this? I bet you a billion dollars that this trash makes at least twice as much money as Serenity made in the box office. I hate America by the way.

- One of the best things about dogs is that they believe in magic. Illusions, Michael. Illusions.

- It's nice to see that Queen Latifah is playing herself in the upcoming Ice Age 2: The Meltdown movie.

- The number one, non-testicle related injury that I fear most would have to be a paper cut on the eyeball.

- Why is it good luck if a bird poops on you, and not good luck when a bird poops on your car? Cars move a lot faster than humans. Also, I wish my wiper fluid thingy wasn't broken.

- Speaking of question marks, why doesn't English adopt the Spanish upside down question mark, or exclamation point at the beginning of the written sentence? Do you know how much easier reading would be if we did this? I think it would be awesome! Just think if I was able to do it for those last three sentences. You wouldn't be nearly as confused as you are now.

- If I could murder one smile, it would be this guy's:



- The only thing that's more contagious than yawning is AIDS, and I could even debate that if I had to.

- If Amanda Bynes looks like a boy, then I'm sober. So who else gets that reference?



- Whatever momentum or credibility Saturday Night Live gained earlier this season, it lost as soon as Maya Rudolph came back.

- Since Carson Daly moved his show to LA it has actually become kinda good. Now it's still not great in any sense, but he's moving in the right direction. I still don't like the guy, but the show is improving. Before you jump all over me, let me remind you that it was Jim Magee who once said, "I feel honored that Carson Daly is a part of my generation."



- So I watched my first episode of Criss Angel: Mindfreak about a month ago on A&E (listen to the song when his webpage loads, it's almost T.O. good). In the episode, he drove Mandy Moore's car (with her in the passanger seat) while blindfolded through a busy LA neighborhood. Not only was the show amazing, but they also randomly interview magic experts, and one of the guys said the following on Criss Angel, "he definitely has powers, but I don't think he has psychic powers." I wish I had my high school senior quotes back. I think I might get this DVD by the way. This guy is off-the-charts unintentionally hilarious.

- I used the contaction "not've" for "not have" the other day in an AIM conversation. I'm changing the way we write English one day at a time.

- I've learned two very important things from watching the commercials during the NCAA Tournament this past week, and the Winter Olympics last month. Here they are:

1.) NCAA Tourney - The correct way to pronounce the word "realtor" is "real-TOR."
2.) Winter Olympics - All Olympians work at the Home Depot.

- Finally, and I know it's been said elsewhere, but why did Edgar Stiles get the silent clock when he died at the end of 24 two weeks ago, but Tony Almeida not get one when he died at the end of last week's episode? Edgar was a big, fat, lispy waste of everyone's time. The only thing that ever happened to him on the show was when his mother died. Meanwhile, Tony Almeida is arguably tougher than Jack Bauer. Did Jack ever get shot in the ear on the job, and then be back in action not two and a half hours later? Tony also got blown up in the first episode of this season, in the same explosion that killed his wife, and was back and ready to go in half a day. Tony was also the closest thing that Jack had to a best friend, plus he's been on the show from the beginning. All Edgar ever did was act stupid and get on everyone's nerves while wearing some ugly flannel shirt. If you're gonna start throwing silent clocks around, 24, please give it to characters who deserve them like President Serrano, or Tony Almeida. Even Sean Astin's character deserved a silent clock before Edgar. I better stop now. It's just that I really hate Edgar, and I could not've been happier when he died. I'm sorry if I've scared you.

Edgar doesn't even fit in the frame:



- That's all I got.

What's up, Kyle?

I originally had a pretty big post planned for today, that I've been writing in my head for a couple of weeks now. Basically it was just going to be me talking about a bunch of random things that are going on in the world and they were just gonna be a bunch of short blurbs. I've been waiting for today to come along so I could write them all down for three (no more, no less) reasons.

Reason The First - I don't know how much longer I can go on keeping these thoughts in my head without forgetting them so I wanted to get them down as soon as possible.

Reason The Second - The last time I posted (last Tuesday) my team, The Fred Carter All Stars, won the weekly trivia challenge at the Lucky Dog Saloon (or The Dogg), so I was hoping that by posting again today our luck would hold steady and we'd win again tonight.

Reason The Third - Today is one of those special Tuesdays where at least three things that I want to buy are released. I call a day like this Perfect Storm Tuesday, and today was one of the best ones in recent memory with the release of Josh Rouse's Subtitulo, South Park Season 7 on DVD, and the long awaited PS2 game, The Godfather.

So, I went to my local music store and picked up the Josh Rouse cd, and I began my drive up to Best Buy while trying to remember all the things I wanted to write down when I got home. Since I knew what I wanted, and I knew that they would be in stock, this was going to be a rare John-Duffy-in-and-out-trip to Best Buy, unlike the normal John-Duffy-I-can-never-decide-what-I-want-and-wind-up-staring-blankly-at
-DVDs-for-up-to-an-hour-and-leave-with-notihng-trip. This notion put me in an even better mood because with the soon to be completed Perfect Storm, plus the fact that we try to defend our trivia title tonight, plus the fact that I was finally going to post in just a short while I was feeling just like Monty Burns before he got shot. Then, while I was just about ready to walk into the store, something happened that was about to make all of these positives seem, well, a lot less positive but still pretty good.

I was almost at the automatic entrance doors of Best Buy, when who comes out of the exit doors but none other than Philadelphia 76ers forward, Kyle Korver. Now just so you know the history of my Best Buy, this is not the first celebrity that I have seen leaving the store while I was entering. In fact, this is the fifth time that it has happened to me, though with just two people. On two separate occasions I have seen Philadelphia Daily News columnist, Rich Hoffman, leaving the store, while I have also seen Philadelphia 76ers guard/forward, John Salmons, leaving also on two separate occasions. It's pretty weird to think that I've seen those two leaving the store twice each, to go along with the newest addition of Kyle Korver. My question is, why can't I ever see them when they are actually in the store?



Anyway, unlike Hoffman and Salmons, Kyle Korver is my favorite NBA player not named Allen Iverson or Smush Parker, so this encounter actually meant something to me because I've been a fan of his since he was a senior at Creighton, which was my senior year at Fordham (side note - when he was drafted by the Sixers I wanted to start a fan club called the Kyle Korver Klan, but I figured that it wouldn't go over that well so I scrapped that idea). It meant so much in fact that I instantly became retarded when I saw him, though I would make up for it just seconds later. Here's a breakdown of what happened:

1.) I see a tall, but normal looking white guy leaving Best Buy.
2.) This guy had a familiar face, and it feels like I know him because he was kind of dressed like I was (semi-winter jacket, shirt, pants, knit hat) and was my age.
3.) After what felt like an eternity, I realized that it was Kyle Korver.
4.) Once I realized this I gave quite possibly the creepiest smile in the history of humanity.
5.) Kyle Korver sees me staring at him with this smile and says, "what's up, man."
6.) I realize that I need to get rid of this smile and act cool, so I replied, "what's up, Kyle," while giving him the left handed gun point (reenacted here), and kept walking into the store like nothing just happened and like I've known him my entire life.
7.) I step foot in the store and start laughing, which lasted for about five minutes.
8.) Unfortunately, at this point I realized that I could've gotten my picture taken with him and then we could've talked about Jesuit basketball, and what he bought, and stuff like that which would lead to me being his BFF, or at least his personal assistant or something. It was definitely an, "I've made a huge mistake" moment.
9.) Right after that though I figured that maybe Korver thought I was a pretty cool guy for not bothering him and treating him like just a normal guy, which I'm actually happy with considering how far I came from the creepy smile to kind of cool guy in such a short period of time. You really had to see this smile, folks. Really.

So there it is. After that I went in and successfully purchased what I set out for, and the day became so much better. It was so good that it bumped my original post out of the way (if you couldn't tell already) because it just would've been too much writing on my part, and you all know how I feel about actually doing stuff. Look for that post tomorrow or Thursday, and if you have time, please visit TerrellOwens.com and listen to the rap song that comes on when the page loads (thanks to FART member Tom for that link).

Until then.

Duffy vs. Schilling

Ever since the early 1990s I have been a Curt Schilling fan. If it wasn't for Schilling and his playoff heroics, 1993 would've been just another year for me and the Phillies. When he was traded to Arizona, I was still a fan (even though the Phillies got robbed in that trade) and I was happy that he won the World Series over the Yankees (which made it even sweeter). After the 2003 season, Schilling almost became a Phillie again, but the Red Sox swooped in and offered the Diamondbacks a better deal, so he was traded to Boston. Even though he wasn't headed back here, I was still happy that he was at least going to the Red Sox and we all know how that turned out. So, as you can see, my relationship with Schilling was a great one and even though it seems like he never shuts up, I was still a fan.



Well, all of that changed on Sunday when I read about how he drilled Pittsburgh Pirates outfielder, Chris Duffy (no relation, unfortunately, though he was on my fantasy team last year), in the head with a fastball. Actually, that isn't really the truth. I don't have a problem that he hit someone with my last name in the head with a fastball because it wasn't intentional and that kind of stuff happens when you're trying to establish the inside half of the plate. My problem is what Schilling said after the game about hitting Duffy (and just so things are clearer, Schilling is working on throwing more inside this Spring, which is something he's never really done before in his career). Here are quotes from Curt Schilling, and his catcher at the time, Josh Bard (full article here):

Schilling: "The bottom line is that ball should not have hit him. You got to be able to get out of the way of that pitch. The ball that I threw in before that, I jammed him with. I had thrown him a couple balls in the first at-bat, so he was conscious then, but not tentative, not worried in. There's a big difference. I said the same thing to Josh, there's just no way they shouldn't be able to get out of the way of that pitch. So obviously it's something I have to continue to work on."

Josh Bard: "Sometimes you're going to hit guys and that's part of the game and there's no intention. The thing that stinks is the one that hit Duffy really wasn't that far inside. He threw a lot more pitches that were more inside than that. It was just kind of up in the zone."

What bothers me is that both Schilling and Bard believe that Duffy should have been able to get out of the way of a 90+ MPH fastball coming towards his head. If a pitch hits someone in the head, then obviously it was hard for the batter to get out of the way. I mean, it's not like it was headed towards his feet. I know it was a mistake that, but you can never blame the batter for getting hit in the head, especially when it's Spring Training (when the games count for nothing), and it could potentially kill him. Who knows, maybe Chris Duffy wanted to die. From the way Schilling and Bard reacted it sounded like he at least wanted a concussion (which is what happened).



So, like the Duffy that he is, Chris took exception to what Schilling said once he was informed of the comments that were made. This is where the story gets awesome. While I was reading this article from the Pirates webpage, I realized that I don't think I've ever been as proud to read the name "Duffy" in print (whether it was my actual name or not) before in my lifetime. Just in case you're afraid of clicking links, here's what Duffy said (in three parts, followed by my reaction):

PART ONE

Chris Duffy: "I didn't believe Schilling said it at first. My dad called me and told me what he said. I didn't know how credible my dad's source was. Then I read it and was kind of like, 'What's up?'"

John Duffy: "As you can see here, it's obvious that Chris Duffy is a cool guy. First of all, it appears that he has a nice relationship with his dad that involves frequent phone calls, which I like. Second of all, he questioned his dad's source, which shows that he just wasn't going to fly off the handle and say something stupid until he read it himself. Third, he wound up reading it (I've yet to meet an illiterate Duffy) and then gave a classic reaction that any 25 year old would give."

PART TWO

Chris Duffy: "In that situation we've got to man up and say you are wrong when you are wrong. I saw the tape [and] there was no way I could have moved out of the way. For him to just blow it off, that's not great sportsmanship. There is a certain way to handle things. That wasn't it."

John Duffy: "Chris Duffy's stock just keeps going up in my book. Not only did he call out Curt Schilling's lack of sportsmanship, but he told him to 'man up,' all while putting the incident (or is it a fiasco?) into perspective. How can you not love that?"

PART THREE

Chris Duffy (this quote can be found here): ""I didn't see that I could have gotten out of the way. I understand it's part of the game -- trying to establish the inside part of the plate -- but it's a Spring Training game. For as long as he's been around, he should understand there are certain things you don't say. If you want to get a point across [by pitching inside], you should have enough control not to hit somebody in the head. I heard he hit a Minor League kid in the head a few days ago. Maybe it was the Minor League kid's fault he got hit, you know? Sometimes you just have to take responsibility for your own actions and go about it in a classy way. I felt he didn't do it that way. But no hard feelings. It's part of the game, and I know he didn't hit me on purpose. But what he said, to me, it just wasn't right." ."

John Duffy: "Wow."



Just in case you couldn't tell, Chris Duffy is now my favorite player. I've never before seen a Duffy who came on the the scene so suddenly, earn his wings so fast. Little 25 year old Chris Duffy went up against two-time World Series champion, and eternal Boston Sports Hero, Curt Schilling, and completely blew him out in a way that can be described as, "most respectful." So, you may ask, "well how did Schilling respond to Duffy's response?" Good question. Here's the answer:

Curt Schilling: "I'm not going to elaborate on it, because [the media] won't be able to translate it. I'm not going to elaborate on it, because it's not going to come out right. I can understand how he could take that to be what I didn't want it to be. I'll handle it."

Asked if he would give Duffy a phone call, Schilling quipped: "I already gave him a ring."

Final Result: Duffy 1 / Schilling 0.

Moral of the story: Don't mess with the Duffy's. Now you know.



ONE MORE THING: The name of the hospital they took Chris Duffy to after he got hit is Manatee Memorial Hospital. My question is was the hospital named after manatees because it's in Florida, or was there a specific beloved manatee that died in or around the hospital so that they felt like they had to change the name to honor it after its death?



LITLE KNOWN FACT: In fourth grade I wrote a 15 page paper on manatees.