Talkin' Talkies (12/8/06)

This is for you, Mo. I haven't done this in a while, and I've only done it once, so hopefully I can remember the format. In case you've forgotten, these are my reviews for movies I haven't read reviews about or seen - I only base my thoughts on the trailer, commercials, talk show interviews, and/or what the word is on The Street, cause I'm frequently on The Streets.

Apocalypto

What It Is: ***EASY JOKE ALERT*** Mel Gibson's vision on how the Jews were responsible for the end of the Mayan civilization. ***END EASY JOKE ALERT*** It also looks like there is more than enough odd body-piercing/painting, blood, and grunting involved.



What I Like: I liked Mel Gibson in Ransom (I may be the only one actually). I know that he didn't direct Ransom, but if Apocalypto is anything like it, then I'm gonna love it.

What I Don't: Apocalypto is apparently nothing like Ransom.

What I Think: I think that this should be a Ransom sequel.

Will I See It: I will see it when they GIVE ME BACK MY SON!

Bonus Mayan Fact: They're responsible for the inventions of camera cranes and boom mics.



Blood Diamond

What It Is: Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Connelly, and Djimon Hounsou star in this film about the search for a rare diamond in Sierra Leone in the 1990s.

What I Like: I like Leonardo DiCaprio. This didn't hit me until about a month ago until after I saw The Departed. DiCaprio has turned out to be one of those Brad Pitt type guys who the male population doesn't really respect at first because all the ladies like him cause he broke into the scene as a pretty boy/heartthrob actor that women of all ages love. Then a few years go by and you realize that you like just about every single thing that he did after the movie that made him famous. Basically, I realized this with DiCaprio after I saw The Departed the same way I did with Pitt after Fight Club. Now, DiCaprio is as cool to me as Pitt is. Over the last couple of months I've watched The Aviator every time it's been on one of the HBOs, plus Catch Me IF You Can, plus The Man in the Iron Mask (which has every actor, ever, in it). I'm really very upset that it took me so long to have this epiphany, plus I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about this upcoming DiCaprio project. Also, Jennifer Connelly is in this movie, and since I am a man with eyes, plus quite possibly the BIGGEST Rocketeer fan alive, that only helps things out.

What I Don't Like: I thought after I saw the trailer that I wouldn't be able to get past DiCaprio's weird South African accent. After thinking some more though, I realized that I've been able to sit through 4 seasons of Nip/Tuck without Joely Richardson's weak American accent bothering me too much, and that actors using different accents isn't really much of a problem to me anymore. Unless, of course, you're Kevin Costner in Thirteen Days. All together now: "This isn't a pehmission slip! This is youaw repohhhhhhht cahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhdddd!"

What I Think: I think that this it is a really cool looking movie that goes a lot deeper into the conflict diamond crisis than the end of Lord of War (I think I like that movie too much) did and that people should go and see it.

Will I See It: Maybe on DVD.



The Holiday

What It Is: I know nothing about this movie other than the fact that it looks so very far beyond lame. Also, a clean-shaven/large-faced Jack Black is in it and I think Kate Winslett's character falls in love with him. Jack Black should never be allowed to not have facial hair. Next time this happens, he should be arrested.



What I Like: Nothing.

What I Don't Like: Everything.

What I Think: This is one of those movies where is seems like the trailer is just an endless parade of the four main characters smiling in slow-motion closeups. Those movies always turn out to be real winners.

Will I See It: Only if I can be water-boarded at the same time to lessen the pain.

Unaccompanied Minors

What It Is: A movie about kids who get stranded in an airport and learn the true meaning of Christmas or something. Young Chris Rock and Wilmer Valderrrammmma are in it, plus Lewis Black (who my dad calls Lou Black because I guess they're old friends) as some evil airport guy (I think) who will most likely get a snowball in the face at some point (there is a possibility that a dog will also bite his testicles).

What I Like: I like that one of my favorite humans, Paul Feig, got paid for directing this movie.



What I Don't Like: That Paul Feig had to direct this movie instead of working on producing Season Eight of Freaks and Geeks, or directing episodes of Season Four of Arrested Development. At least he gets to direct The Office sometimes.

What I Think: This has quite possibly the worst title of all time. Even Kids Stranded in an Airport would've sounded better, but I guess no one would greenlight an airport related movie with such a stupid title.

Will I See It: I will only see this movie in an airport or on an airplane. It at least has to be better than The Terminal, right?

DVD Pick of the Week (12/12):

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe (Four-Disc Extended Edition)



TVD Pick of the Week (12/12):

Pinky and the Brain, Vol. 2. It came out on Tuesday, so it's not technically next week, but it's world's better than any of next Tuesday's releases. Poit!

(gangster), or Fun with Wikipedia

Seeing as how the internets has been around for a long time now, I'm 100% certain that everyone out there has "Googled" themselves at some point. If the Google picture history of my name is the same as everyone else's out there then I'm sure that the results you've gotten (regardless of your gender) has been a bunch of 50-something white guys who are either professors or composers (like any one of these winners who share my name). Aside from Googling yourselves, you faithful readers out there may have even tried to see what celebrities you may look like at myheritage.com which I wrote about last year. While that's all well and good, I didn't think of looking up my name on Wikipedia until about two weeks ago.

In case you didn't know (and I'm sure many of you might agree), if I was forced at gunpoint to pick only one website to look at for the rest of my life than it would easily be Wikipedia. I seriously spend about 2342% of my internet usage (is that really how you spell "usage" - it's really a word that should only be said - I'm sure it doesn't even look right in sign language) on that website. I'm definitely one of those suckers who clicks on every highlighted word and winds up reading about Montana's State Flower or Domain Theory for no apparent reason. Well, for some reason, it took me a very long time to type in my own name, and since it's obvious that I'm dedicating a post to it, you can imagine that the results were either hilarious or extremely disturbing (or both!).

Out of the three links that work for the name "John Duffy" two of them were/are criminals and the other was a Reverend (and Lord only knows what that guy was up to). In chronological criminal order, the first John Duffy was a Philadelphian (yay!) mobster and hitman who was a member of Chicago's North Side Mob in Chicago in the 1920s who killed his wife (boo) and was murdered in 1924 because his fellow gangsters thought he could prove to be a rat. Ouch.

The second John Duffy is a notorious British rapist from the 1970s and 80s who was part of a two man rape squad known as the Railway Rapists who got caught and went to prison and eventually ratted out his partner from behind bars during his life sentence. Uh-oh.

In case you haven't noticed by now (and I'm only talking to the blind here since this website is not yet available in Braille) 66.66666667% of the previous famous John Duffys out there are psychopaths, not to mention lousy rat stoolies. As a result, I am now taking it upon myself as my most important mission to become the most famous non-psychotic/non-Reverend, John Duffy on Wikipedia. I'm giving myself two years to become famous enough to make it on my own onto Wikipedia. If that doesn't happen, then I'm looking to you beautiful and nicely proportioned readers of mine out there to pull a Colbert/elephant/Wikipedia stunt to make me the most famous/sane John Duffy on the world wide web. Here's an example of something you could write about on my created Wikipedia entry:

John Duffy (b. June 16, 1981 - d. not quite yet) is so totally not a serial rapist or gangster from Philadelphia who enjoys David brand sunflower seeds (Ranch & BBQ oh yeah), throwing things that people ask for from across the room instead of handing it to them, and who coined the now famous valediction "goodbydios" (which combines the popular American word "goodbye" with the equally popular Spanish word "adios") in the summer of 2002.

If you guys can make this happen then I will seriously consider never ratting you out. Goodbydios!

IN OTHER WIKIPEDIA NEWS: I didn't find out until yesterday that Stephen Hawking was British. This may not come as a shock to many of you, but it certainly did to me. For all these years he's been speaking with a computer voice with an American accent. Since he is the second smartest human alive (the first can be seen here), shouldn't he have been able to come up with a British accent for his computer voice? I don't know if I've ever felt so cheated or disgusted. We seriously should start questioning this guy's credibility.

MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE SONG OF THE MOMENT: George Harrison's, "Beware of Darkness." If I got that song pregnant, I would totally do the right thing and marry it.